Reflections
by tag58
Summary: The story of Shepard and Kaidan told between and after the Mass Effect trilogy story. Cause we all need more Shenko. (Post destroy)
1. Prologue

_A/N - This is my first ever published fanfic, although I have been reading and writing them for years now. My teenage children got me into the world of Mass Effect and I just finished my fourth playthrough of the series. I am not the person who hates the ending - in fact, with the EC DLC, I was happy. I'm just a hopeless romantic at heart and I wanted more of my Shepard and Kaidan, so I decided to tell my story as I've played it, filling in the blanks as I go and giving us the ending after the ending as I saw it would play out._

_This fanfic includes spoilers for all three Mass Effect games and all related DLC, and adheres, as strictly as I could, to the story that Bioware has already told. I consider anything published by Bioware in any media "canon" and this story strives not to contradict that. If you see a contradiction, drop me a line and I will try to edit to reflect it. I do not plan to retell the existing story in this fic, rather, to flesh it out between the already superb tale Bioware has told. Where possible, I have tried to avoid quoting actual game dialog or retelling scenes as shown in the games, unless it is necessary to the story._

_My Shepard is Katriona (Kat), she's a spacer/war hero/paragon with minor moments of renegade thrown in where I felt the situation warranted it (you all know where those moments are!) The story itself is rated M, for language and some smut as we go, and just to generally be safe! _

_If you're still reading after this painfully long author's note, my apologies, on to the (hopefully) good stuff, please drop me a line and let me know what you think!_

* * *

It was the last day before they would leave their "paradise" - the lush green planet they had managed to crash (ok, Joker hated using the word crash, he preferred "temporarily diverted") on their way to the rendezvous with the fleet. All in all, they _were_ lucky and it was due to Joker's skill, so no one gave him much grief over it, not that they were likely to anyway since the man was _suffering_. EDI's shutdown after the beam had hit them now appeared to be permanent; not even Tali, with all her knowledge of advanced AI, seemed to have any ideas.

So here they stood, one week after the frenetic battle on Earth, this ragtag band of brothers that Shepard had once again formed into a family, to say goodbye to those they had lost. Word had come down from command that Anderson had not survived, so it was with mournful sadness that Kaidan, as the highest ranking Alliance soldier on board, had placed his name on the memorial wall, and gave a sharp and correct salute, thinking of the times that Anderson had led him, mentored him, and even the times he had kicked his ass. He had been a good man, a great soldier, a leader - he would be missed.

Joker stepped forward next, holding the plaque bearing EDI's name. He placed it on the wall, amongst the names of the others they had lost... Then turned away abruptly and rejoined the group. Tali reached out to touch his shoulder, but he shrugged her off. Kaidan got it. No amount of comfort would suffice. Joker would have tough times ahead as he worked through his stages of grief. Kaidan hoped Joker had a better time of it than he had when Shep-

Liara moved to Kaidan and placed another plaque in his hands, breaking off his thoughts. He looked down to see it was engraved with Cmdr Katriona Shepard. He traced her name almost reverently. Thoughts of the amazing woman he had had the privilege to know and love never left his mind in this past week, although noone had yet received any information about her, she was currently listed as MIA. However, it seemed fairly clear that whatever had happened on those last moments on the Citadel, she was the reason they were all standing there now, mostly intact.

He looked behind him to see the crew cast their eyes down in mournful respect. He traced Shepard's name again, and, remembering their promise to find each other after this was over, he looked up and smiled. "I think this is a little premature," he said to Liara and handed the plaque back to her, then turned away to head to engineering. "I need a sit rep in one hour everyone," was his parting comment.

The rest of the crew watched his departing back - he was still limping a bit after his injuries from the ground assault - but otherwise he walked tall and proud, not broken. Garrus hugged Tali, grateful to have her safe beside him, turned to Liara, still holding the plaque in her hands, a graceful smile on her face now, too. "Do you think he's in denial?" he asked the asari.

"No," she replied, "I think he has hope." She turned away, to head back to her quarters, calling over her shoulder. "You heard the Major, let's get back to it".

* * *

Beneath a pile of rubble at the heart of the damaged Citadel, a single breath, a solitary heartbeat signified that life continued; hope remained. Shepard drifted in and out of consciousness, the pain beyond any she had ever felt testifying to both the fact that she had somehow, miraculously (once again) beaten all the odds and lived through the nightmare that had started the moment the beam vomited her out onto the Reaper-controlled Citadel and the fact that if she didn't get help soon, she would die ignominiously, alone and broken in the greatest anti-climax of her life. In a moment of lucidity she tried to decide if this was a better death than being spaced. This way was longer and more painful sure, but she had the satisfaction that her mission was finally accomplished. On that thought, she took another deep painful breath and surrended herself to the inky blackness of oblivion.

The rescue crew reached her shortly after, laboring in near silence to drag the wreckage off her while the med techs scrambled to keep her stable through the lengthy process of extricating her. They had, as protocol dictated, checked her tags as soon as they had spotted her body beneath the rubble so they all knew they were now frantically trying to rescue the Savior of the Galaxy. As a result, they worked in coordinated silence and single-minded determination to get her out and to a trauma center as quickly as possible.

It took nearly an hour but they finally managed to transfer her to a backboard and rush her to the shuttle. The corporal leading the extraction team turned to the medtech as she worked over her patient. "Is she going to make it?" he inquired. The harried medtech looked up quickly and he saw the answer in her eyes before she even replied, "It's gonna take a miracle." Another one, he thought to himself grimly, then activated his omni-tool to notify command that Shepard had been located and was, at least for now, alive.


	2. Mantra

_A/N - I'll make this one short ;-) I'm uploading as much of the story as I have written so far in one fell swoop. Perhaps that's not the best way to do it, but I, personally hate waiting for updates and I hope to attract an audience. I promise I will still respond to any feedback I receive and edit accordingly. I wanted to mention that I didn't get bogged down in the details of how - how did they get off the planet, back to the Fleet, back to Earth? in this story because it wasn't what I wanted to tell, I wanted to get to the characters interacting with each other and with poor Shepard. I apologize if that disappoints you, but I think you search, there are plenty of stories in this universe that tell that how better than I ever could, I even have some favorited!_

* * *

They reached the Fleet four days after taking off from their "temporary diversion" planet. Kaidan stood at attention in the CIC watching Admiral Steven Hackett approach him, feeling the déjà vu of the moment sweep over him. Less than two weeks ago, he and Shepard had stood just here watching the exact same tableau, hearts in their throats as they prepared for their final assault. He saluted the Admiral and then felt a moment of genuine surprise as Hackett reached out and shook his hand with a strong grip. "Major," the Admiral barked out in his typically irascible tone, "it's good to see you."

"You, too, sir," Kaidan replied, following Hackett through the door to the War Room. Once there, Hackett took a seat at the large conference table and gestured to Kaidan to sit as well.

"I'm sure you have much to report, Major, and we have time for that, but I wanted to let you know that we have word from Earth." Kaidan looked up sharply as the Admiral began. "They found Shepard. She was buried beneath god only knows what at the heart of the Citadel. She's alive, Major."

Kaidan let out the breath he didn't realize he was holding and allowed himself a moment to thank every god and goddess he'd ever heard of.

"It's not good, Kaidan," Hackett continued. Kaidan had another moment to wonder about the informality of Hackett's addressing him by his first name - surely unprecedented - before the words the Admiral was saying caught up to him. "What do you mean, Admiral?"

"Reports from the trauma center say she was under the wreckage for over two days before the crew found her, it was a miracle she was still alive when they did. They worked for over an hour to extract and stabilize her and she's been in and out of surgery pretty much since then." Hackett let out a long slow breath. "She's in a coma, they've repaired as much as they can for now, but her chances aren't good."

Kaidan stared into Hackett's eyes and saw his own pain mirrored. He also saw with dawning comprehension that Hackett wasn't informing him solely as the acting Captain of the Normandy, nor even as her comrade in arms. With a start he realized that Hackett was speaking to him as the man Shepard loved.

"How long have you known?" he asked quietly.

Hackett shook his head and stood up to stare out at the stars beyond the window behind them. "Anderson and I suspected for some time, we were sure after the Citadel coup. But that's all rather irrelevant now, don't you think, Major? Clearly fraternization didn't stop her from saving the galaxy."

Kaidan laughed softly. "I doubt anything could have stopped her."

Hackett nodded once and turned back to face Kaidan. "Then let's have your report and we'll work on getting back to Earth ASAP. She's gonna need us, one last time."

* * *

Standing in the cockpit of the Normandy watching Joker go through docking procedures three days later, Kaidan reflected on how he had changed over the past four years. The man that he had been when he joined the SSV Normandy for her "shakedown" run would have relished the rigid regulatory hoops that even now, in the wake of the Reaper devastation, or perhaps even more as a result of it, the Alliance required for every incoming vessel. Now, he wished someone would just look up, say "Normandy? Oh of course, let's get you in ASAP."

He realized a few more minutes wouldn't change the situation – Shepard had been hospitalized for twelve days now and for the past three days, nothing had changed with her condition. _Critical but stable_ was the mantra he had repeated to himself constantly during the seemingly interminable FTL travel from Arcturus to Earth. The daily updates from the hospital remained the same – he wouldn't let his mind dwell on the details they had laid out for him on the first call, the amount of injury and trauma she had endured – instead, he grasped firmly on that one term _critical but stable_ and repeated it to himself every time he felt himself flagging. Now, in the last moments before he'd be able to see her for himself and verify for his terrified heart that she was indeed still alive, still breathing, he found himself impatient and intolerant of anything that delayed him. For a man that used to draw the Alliance military's sometimes long and tedious regulations around himself like a security blanket, it was a big change. But then, she had that effect on everyone she met, he thought with a wry smile and tug on his heart.

"Normandy, you are cleared to dock, proceed to docking bay Alpha 6-5," Kaidan heard the calm voice of the Alliance docking officer over the com and looked up to see Joker complying with a sigh and a "finally" muttered under his breath and realized he wasn't the only one in the cockpit chafing against the red tape. He leaned over, patted the best pilot in the Alliance (self proclaimed or not) on the shoulder and said "take us in, Joker," then turned to head back to the CIC. Just a few minutes more, and it wouldn't change the situation, he prayed_. Critical but stable_ he told himself once again.


	3. Alive

_A/N - Ah, it hurts my poor little Shenko heart to torture Kaidan like this, but fear not, it won't last forever. _

* * *

_Critical but stable_ – the words that had been his shield, his mantra, mocked Kaidan now as he stood looking down at the woman who had become his world. The tiny phrase didn't really cover all the trauma, all the damage he saw. Her face was ravaged, burns and cuts and bandages covering every inch; even he would have had a difficult time recognizing her and, he thought, he knew her better than anyone in the galaxy. Her head, too, was swathed in bandages and he couldn't see a single strand of the fiery red hair that had been one of the first things he'd noticed about her, all those years ago.

She was hooked to every manner of machine he'd ever heard of in his medical training, even some he'd never seen before. He knew, without hearing the quiet report her doctor was giving Chakwas – thank the gods she had accompanied him, explaining that it would be easier for her to hear and translate the medical jargon, then report to the crew (Shepard's family) who would want as much information as they could get – that both her arms and legs were damaged, he could see the casts covering them. It appeared her left hand was further injured, it was completely swathed in gauze and casting. Not her dominant hand then, he thought as he took her (mostly unbandaged) limp and icy right hand in his and sank to the chair beside her bed. He didn't even for a moment question himself for thinking she'd pleased by that, that at least she'd be able to hold a gun, maybe not her rifle or shotgun but at least a pistol. The thought that she may never fight again, or even shoot, or the simple truth that there may not be anything left to fight weren't relevant to him at the moment.

_Critical but stable. _Kaidan drew the comfort of the words around him once again, and, blocking out the sound of the quiet conversation still ongoing between the two doctors, he let his head fall over their joined hands and didn't even notice the warm tears coating them.

He was still in that position some time later when he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder and looked up into Karin Chakwas' gentle and caring face. "Major – Kaidan," she said, her normally crisp British tones lowered and tempered with compassion, "I know you want to be her with as much as possible, but I'd like to brief the entire crew in the waiting room now. They'll want to know, and perhaps you should hear it too? I'm sure you weren't paying attention to my conversation with Dr. Hunter."

He wanted to deny her request, to stay with Shepard now that he was finally here, but he heard the plea underlying her words. She wanted to crew to see him, too, to be able to comfort him, to be comforted by him when he could reassure them after what was likely to be a hard-to-hear medical report that yes, she was still alive, still breathing (albeit not on her own). He nodded briefly, stood up, still holding Shepard's right hand, he leaned down and placed a light kiss on it, then gently, slowly, placed it back at her side and turned to follow Chakwas out of the room, intending to return at the first possible moment.

* * *

They had gathered in a large room with wall to floor glass on two sides, decorated in the cheery but sterile comfort typical of medical centers that tried, and often fell short, to provide a homey comfortable place for the friends and family of patients to relax, wait, even mourn. Kaidan knew that this particular med center was even more comfortable than most. Tucked in the English countryside far enough out of London to have been ignored by the Reapers during the last horrific assault, it had started life as an upscale convalescent center but had been repurposed to a full scale trauma center to handle the casualties that had escalated every day. He mused that this room, which had mercifully been reserved for only Shepard's crew (family) was likely once a recreation area where patients could mingle with their visitors in relative (albeit fake and sterile) comfort.

As he approached the group, Dr. Chakwas on his right shoulder, he realized with a start that it wasn't just the current Normandy crew gathered, but that some of the people she had collected during her time with Cerberus had joined them too. He recognized Miranda Lawson, back defiantly turned to the tattooed form of Jack who was conferring with the asari justicar Samara. Jacob Taylor, his arm in a sling, lounged against the far wall, huddled close to Dr. Brynn Cole, her slight form beginning to betray her condition. The infiltrator-thief, Kasumi Goto, stood tall and slim behind the main crew, not even cloaked, which was, to his mind, the strongest indication of her distress. And the tough and scarred mercenary Zaeed Massani stood looking out the bank of windows, conferring with Garrus Vakarian. Kaidan realized they were likely once again mourning the lack of security.

They all turned to him with guarded and expectant eyes, and he saw that it wasn't only he that had been holding the hope, shielding himself from the reality, the possibilities, since they had first heard that she was alive.

Dr. Chakwas stepped into the center of the group and everyone quieted, turning and giving her their attention.

"Commander Shepard is, as you have been told, in critical but stable condition," Chakwas began. Kaidan started, hearing his personal mantra spoken in her crisp tones took away some of the security they had provided him, but then, he thought to himself, he could still feel her hand in his, see her broken but alive body before him, and hear the sounds of the machines attesting to fact that _alive_ was his new, even better, mantra.

The doctor continued to report in her typical no-nonsense style. "She has suffered major trauma to nearly every bone in her body, but the most severe damage is a skull fracture which has caused major complications both with intracranial bleeding as well as damage to her implant. As a result, the surgeons made the difficult decision to remove her implant, and although that has, for the time being, reduced the intracranial pressure, they are monitoring her constantly for indications that they may have to operate again. "Chakwas took a deep breath and forged on.

"She is in a medically induced coma, and, although the rescue workers reported that she did regain consciousness twice during their efforts to extricate her, it is unknown at this time if there will be long term neurological damage. Head injuries are tricky, even in this day and age, but the best hope that I can give you now is that she has, somehow, managed to hold on through two days under the wreckage, all the surgeries to stabilize her so far, and above all, this is Shepard. You all know she hasn't met odds she couldn't beat before. Let's hope it's the same now. In the meantime, it's a wait and see game." Chakwas concluded her statement and Kaidan couldn't help but notice that she was visibly shaken and it seemed that her last words were almost more to reassure herself than the rest of them. Most telling, she refused to meet Kaidan's eyes.

Her words died away in the shocked silence of the group gathered and Kaidan noted that they all seemed to have different reactions, from quietly weeping (Liara and Dr. Cole, specifically), to holding each other closely (Garrus and Tali), to downcast depression (Joker), and even, he noted, some anger, judging by the tight lips and white knuckles of James Vega and Miranda Lawson. As for himself, he wasn't sure how to categorize his reaction, or what he needed to do for his crewmates, his family, only that he was sure that he needed to do _something_. It's what Kat would want; it's what she would expect. He tucked his own feelings and reaction away to dissect later, preferably while holding her hand – _alive _– he cleared his throat against the lump that had formed there and stepped forward to address the crew.

"She's _alive_," Kaidan stated, quietly, vehemently, "it's a place to start."


	4. Not Alone

_A/N You'll note that although its not technically canon, I refer to Kaidan as XO of the Normandy. It's strange that ME3 is the only game that doesn't designate an XO, and I just can't see how Kaidan, as the highest ranking Alliance officer on board, as well as a Council Spectre wouldn't have that role when he rejoins the crew._

* * *

Kaidan found himself repeating his new mantra _alive_ more and more over the next few days, even while he was sitting vigil at her bedside, staring into the damaged and unchanging face, the proof of that mantra before him, testified by the hand in his, the sound of the machines breathing and pumping her heart, tracing her brain waves. It was hard to watch her so still, so unmoving, and Kaidan realized in those moments that he had never seen her so inactive, even on the nights that he had watched her sleep. Shepard was a woman who did everything with passion, vigor and energy, even sleep, he thought wryly, and she was never one to lay calm and peaceful, rather attacking sleep like any other part of her life, tossing and turning and even occasionally, comically, talking. The still and unmoving figure before him drove home to him, more than the bandages or the cuts or the bruises or the machines, just how hurt she was. _Alive_ he reminded himself for what must be the fiftieth time this hour.

He started as he heard a brief rap on the doorframe and looked up to see Admiral Hackett enter Shepard's room. The military in him had him immediately snapping to attention and saluting which seemed to amuse Hackett. "At ease, Major," Hackett barked out laconically.

Kaidan settled to parade rest then looked down, to his surprise, he still held Shepard's hand in his and he realized the source of the Admiral's amusement. The Admiral took pity on him and gestured for him to sit, drawing another chair from the corner of the room and pulling it up to the opposite side of Shepard's bed. Kaidan resettled himself in the ridiculously uncomfortable chair that he was sure now held the imprint of his ass (or perhaps his ass held the imprint of the chair, he wasn't sure yet which one was winning) and waited for Hackett to speak.

The other man sucked his breath in sharply as he looked at the still, so still _alive_ figure on the bed and Kaidan thought Hackett was noting, as Kaidan had, the utter lack of Shepard there.

When he looked up at Kaidan, the Admiral was noticeably paler, and he had to clear his throat twice before he could speak. "I came to check on Captain Shepard, and on you, Major."

Kaidan started at the new honorific. "Captain?" he repeated questioningly.

Hackett nodded once. "She saved the galaxy, didn't she? The least we could do is promote her." Kaidan realized the Admiral carried a small velvet box in his hand, he proffered it now and Kaidan took it, opening it and was not at all surprised to see captain's bars – her captain's bars – residing within.

Kaidan traced the bars once, then looked up at the other man and laughed softly. "She's gonna hate it," he told Hackett.

"That she will," Hackett agreed, "but not as much as the new Star of Terra and the as-yet-unnamed medal they are currently putting their heads together to create in her honor. She'll learn to deal with all of it."

"A new medal?" Kaidan whistled, "That's a big deal."

"Well," Hackett said, "I guess they realized that her third Star of Terra doesn't quite express the magnitude of her accomplishment this time. Plus, it gives them something to do other than bicker over reconstruction efforts."

Hackett shifted in his equally uncomfortable chair and continued. "She's a symbol, now," he said, looking into the eyes of the man across from him and noting the fatigue and stress there, "a hero, for everyone. Her life changed dramatically, irrevocably, in those final moments on the Citadel."

Kaidan nodded and met Hackett's eyes once again. "And she'll tell you she's just a soldier."

Hackett had to admit he admired Alenko's resolve and refusal to believe that soldier or hero, her life may very well end right here in this small hospital room. He knew the committee currently overseeing the creation of the new medal was putting off final decisions waiting to hear whether or not Shepard would live. After all, a martyr makes for even better press than a hero. Hackett mentally winced at his own musings, but he was, above all, a realist, and although he had known the gravity of the situation before he stepped into this room, seeing the vital woman he had respected and trusted and relied on laying before him a pale imitation of her former self drove it home more forcefully than any of the ten reports he had read from her team of doctors.

"I have placed Captain Shepard on medical leave of indeterminate length but she will remain active military as long as she's alive," Kaidan winced at the bald statement but the Admiral continued as if he hadn't noticed, "or until her doctors or she herself tell me otherwise. As for you, Major Alenko, although I would personally like to grant you indefinite leave pending her recovery, the Alliance still needs you and the Normandy crew. There's too much to do right now, and not enough good men left to do it. In addition, I think your crew would benefit from having something to concentrate on than the very outdated e-mags in the waiting room." Kaidan smirked at the thought of Garrus sitting around reading _House and Home Automated_ and looked at the Admiral, question in his eyes.

"To that end," Hackett continued, "I'll be sending you datapads with Alliance and civilian contacts, reconstruction leaders, and I expect you to coordinate with your team to ensure efforts are prioritized on a daily basis. I have checked with the medical center and they assure me there is a small but empty office down the hall from this room that you may use and they have approved your use of communication electronics in this room, so you may have your omni-tool with you at all times. I expect weekly reports from you, Major."

Kaidan was stunned by the gift he was being given and nodded at the Admiral. "Thank you, sir," he told Hackett gratefully, realizing that he would be able to conduct most, if not all, of the work within sight of Shepard.

"I should also warn you that Admiral Hannah Shepard has been located and is currently inbound to this location, eta," Hackett checked his own omni-tool at this point, "five minutes. Apparently she was stranded near Arcturus after the rendezvous and just received word of her daughter when the SSV Kilimanjaro entered Earth's orbit two hours ago. Have you met the Admiral, Kaidan?" Hackett noted that the man across from him was looking distinctly green around the edges now.

"No, sir," Kaidan replied, "Although Shepard has occasionally spoken of her."

"She's a formidable woman," Hackett said reflectively, "I think you'll see the family resemblance. I've known her for about twenty years although we've never served together. In any case, I thought it only fair to warn you." And on that somewhat ominous warning, Hackett stood to exit just as they heard a commotion outside the door and Rear Admiral Hannah Shepard entered the room, still barking at the nurses following her that it was her daughter and no, she wasn't waiting.

Once again, Kaidan found himself snapping to attention, saluting, this time, he made sure he wasn't holding Shepard's hand at the same time. Hackett stood at parade rest and Admiral Shepard saluted him smartly, then nodded once at Kaidan. "Admiral Shepard," Hackett stepped in with introductions, "may I present Major Kaidan Alenko, XO of the Normandy SR2 and acting captain?"

"Admiral, Major," Hannah muttered, and, clearly more interested in seeing her daughter than introductions, moved to her bedside and forgot all military formality, reaching out to touch her forehead and murmuring, "oh, honey."

Hackett decided now was as good a time as any to take his leave, nodded once at Kaidan and turned and walked out. Kaidan stood, still at parade rest, trying to decide if he could exit as well without severe reprimand for not waiting to be dismissed, but he didn't want to intrude on the scene before him. In that moment of indecision he studied the woman leaning over the bed. She was tall and lean, a lifetime of Alliance military shaping her much the same as it had her daughter, they shared an almost identical build. Her hair, too, appeared to have once been the bright shade of fiery red that graced her daughter's head but was now threaded through with white, and worn severely short, even shorter than regs required. Her eyes, from what he could see, were a pale shade of blue rather than the vibrant green of her daughter's, but all in all, he saw Kat's cheekbones and jawline mirrored on the woman before him. He realized with a start that he could be having a premonition of Kat thirty years from now. A strong, imposing, and yes, still very beautiful, figure that likely could strike fear in the heart of any enemy she encountered.

At the moment, he was hoping he wouldn't fit that classification.

Kaidan realized his moment of indecision had cost him any choice in the matter when Hannah looked up from Kat and directly in his eyes. He saw shock and unshed tears in hers but there was strength there and she was already working to hide the emotion. He realized now that her daughter had learned that trick – masking her emotions – directly at Hannah's feet. She studied him for a long moment then seemed to reach a decision. She smiled softly, and reached across the bed to take his hands in hers. "Kaidan," she said softly, "I'm so glad you're here."

Kaidan could have thought of many things that would have surprised him less than that simple gesture. A table dancing volus, Javik volunteering to clean Kat's hamster cage, and the Reapers surrendering peacefully topped the list. With a start, he realized the woman in front of him not only loved Kat as much – if not more – than he did, but also was fully aware that his feelings for her daughter were entirely reciprocated. Perhaps even more surprisingly, there was acceptance and a hint of gratitude there on her face, in those oh-so-sharp eyes. He took a moment to be grateful that it wasn't exactly Kat's eyes staring into his, her mother was similar enough that it was painful, to be staring into an exact copy right now would be brutal to his already abused heart, then he squeezed the hands holding his and smiled at Hannah. "I'm so glad _you're_ here, Admiral," he returned her words to her softly.

Hannah smiled then, and resembled her daughter even more, if possible. "It's Hannah, Kaidan," she said warmly. "We're not Alliance in this room. We're two people who love her."

With that, Hannah gestured to him to sit and she took the seat that Hackett had recently vacated. She reached to touch her daughter's forehead again and Kaidan held Kat's hand. He resumed his vigil _alive alive alive_ comforted that this time, he wasn't alone.


	5. Orders

_A/N - I know this a short chapter, but I don't feel guilty since you don't have to wait for the next. This chapter mostly just links the last one to the next, so there wasn't a huge amount to say._

* * *

Kaidan called the meeting for 0600 the next morning after taking some time the day before to contact all the names listed on the datapads Hackett had, as promised, delivered to him. He had spent some time the evening before writing a plan of action based on the input he had received during those contacts. He had arranged the office (although it suspiciously resembled an empty linen closet) Hackett had mentioned to his liking and set up the few items he would need there. The time he spent in the office rather than at Shepard's bedside pained him, but he felt he owed Hackett his full attention to this project, and Hannah some time alone with her daughter.

Standing in front of his crew _family _he realized that Hackett was absolutely right, and insightful in a way he should have been about these people. They, too, were people of action, like Shepard, and whiling away their hours in this waiting room was doing them no good. He could see the tension and stress manifesting itself on each of their faces in different ways. He guiltily realized that at least he had been able to see her _alive alive_ and had confirmation _alive_ firsthand. The rest of the family had been relegated to this room, waiting for his, he realized now, all too infrequent reports. He was quite sure he wouldn't be able to get the doctors to bend the visitation rules enough to get any of them in to see her, at least not now, not in her condition, and he was grateful, once again, that Hackett had cleared the way to allow him access. But, he realized, he needed to do better by them in any way that he could. He shook his head, wondering not for the first time how Shepard did it. The weight of the responsibility she took on unthinkingly, even willingly, rested crushingly on his shoulders for a moment then he straightened, thinking to himself that this was the least he could for Shepard and the project he brought them here to discuss was a good first step.

He cleared his throat and all eyes turned to him, expectantly. He was not surprised to see, once again, the entire extended family had gathered, not just her current crew, and he took a moment to wonder how the Alliance would feel about him giving orders to ex-Cerberus agents, former mercenaries and a former (current?) thief. He also noted that the group had grown by two – Grunt and Wrex towered over the group, arms crossed, scowls on their faces. He wondered what had kept them from being here before but decided in the end, it wasn't that important.

"Good morning, everyone," he began his speech, "first, let me report that as of five minutes ago, nothing has changed with Shepard's condition. We're still in a holding pattern here, and that's good news, from what the doctors say, so try to keep that in mind." Murmurs of assent and gratitude traveled through the group.

"I've received orders from Alliance military command, and that's why I've called you here." Kaidan sighed softly and forged ahead. "I'm fully aware that the majority of the people in this room do not answer to the Alliance military so if you feel the need to excuse yourself, you may do so without recourse. I'm hoping, though, that you see what I'm about to present to you the same way I do, as an opportunity, to give back to Shepard some of what she has given us -," here he deliberately inserted Shepard's own words, "a new life, free from the threat of the Reapers." He saw nods of agreement and gratitude wander through the group and he felt pride, not for the first time, to have known and have fought with these people. Misfits they may be, they were good people, and he realized not one of them would take the out he offered.

He proceeded to detail his plan of action and coordinate the team according to their strengths. After two hours of what he felt was satisfactorily productive talks, they broke, each going their ways to complete the assignments he had given them. As he had suspected, not a single person had declined to participate nor even demurred an assignment, no matter how menial. For the first time since he had stood on the Normandy, restrained by Garrus, watching Shepard walk back toward the beam, not sure he would ever see her again, his heart filled with hope and a smile of genuine warmth broke out over his face. It was a brief but welcome respite from the fear, stress and pain he had suffered, but it ended too quickly. _Alive alive alive_ he repeated to himself over and over as he turned to leave the waiting area and head back to Shepard's side.


	6. Miranda

_A/N - This is one of my favorite chapters, and frankly, the one that prompted me to actually commit this all to text. The idea of putting Kaidan in this situation - I know I'm mean to him now, and trust me, I feel appropriately guilty for it - and to have him react with such brutal honesty despite his overwhelming love for Shepard was something I couldn't wait to share. I hope you agree with me that his reactions here are totally in character for him, lovely man that he is :-) don't agree? drop me a line and let me know, I'd be interesting to hear your take_

* * *

He was in his "office" later that afternoon when he received a call from Miranda Lawson. He hadn't expected her to report in so quickly – he had assigned her to coordinate the large science team Shepard had assembled for the Crucible project and categorize them based on specialty and usefulness to the reconstruction efforts, then report to him with recommendations on their placement. He was aware, from what he had read, the little Shepard had told him, and his own observation, that Lawson was above average in just about everything – intelligence, competence, looks (not that it mattered to him, but he was male, of course he noticed) – which had been part of the reason that he had assigned that particular project to her. But he was also fairly sure that not even someone as above average as Miranda Lawson could have accomplished the task in the few scant hours since it was started. He also knew her to be a perfectionist, the other reason that he had trusted the project to her, so he was fairly sure when he saw her name on the contact id that her project wasn't completed. Curious, he opened the link and answered "Ms. Lawson?" with a question in his voice.

Her crisp accented tones flowed through the other end of the link and the display showed she was still dressed in her ridiculous and impractical catsuit. Kaidan took a moment to wonder if Cerberus had designed her "armor" for protection or with the intent of distracting enemies before he realized he'd then be traveling down the very disturbing path of contemplating whether Reaper forces would be sexually attracted to even this finest specimen of human female form, and shook himself back to the present.

"Major Alenko," she was saying, "thanks for taking my call." Kaidan nodded, silently encouraging her to continue. "I was hoping you'd have some time to meet with me in person, there's something I believe we should discuss."

Curiosity thoroughly piqued now, Kaidan raised a brow. "Something wrong with the project?" he asked, betting to himself that it wasn't regarding that at all. He promised himself the beer he had bet when he saw her shake her head and she replied, "No, this is personal." After directing her to his newly acquired office space and hoping the docs didn't give him grief for holding office hours there, he sat back to wait her arrival, wondering why she would be seeking him out.

* * *

She rapped sharply on the doorframe ten minutes later and raised her brows as she took in her surroundings. She saw that the small, cramped space with industrial shelves (empty of the linen they were clearly designed to hold) lining two walls now held a desk, a small terminal, several holo display screens, many datapads, and one clearly battered chair that had seen better days.

The major stood now, holding out his hand to shake hers, and then offering the sole chair to her as he leaned against the desk, patiently waiting for her to begin.

Miranda seated herself, took an extra minute to settle and calm her nerves, and generally work up the courage to breach the topic she had come to discuss. She realized that man leaning beside her was suffering, she saw the stress and fatigue in his face, in his eyes, but she also saw the strength. The years had changed Kaidan Alenko, she thought, and for the better. She had been present for that confrontation between him and Shepard on Horizon two years ago. She wondered if he remembered that. The man before her now bore little resemblance to the one she had seen that day, and she approved. She told herself once again that she had made the right choice, coming here, and gathered herself to begin.

Kaidan saw the thoughts move over her face and realized she was clearly struggling with some internal dilemma. He waited in quiet anticipation as she seemed to come to a decision, then she looked up at him with quiet determination and what looked like hope shining from her blue eyes. She opened her mouth to speak and destroyed Kaidan's day in just one sentence.

"Major, I can rebuild her." She stated calmly.

Kaidan literally took a second to ponder if the blow he felt to his gut after hearing that declaration was real or just figurative. Once he decided that he could, indeed, breathe, he inhaled sharply, took ragged control of his temper and repeated his mantra _alive alive alive alive alive_ until he felt he could keep it that way. A part of him realized he would always owe a debt to this woman for giving Shepard back to him after she had died three years ago, but a larger part, the part that was currently fighting for dominance now, remembered the times he had doubted Shepard, fought with Shepard, held Shepard when she doubted herself, and raged at Miranda Lawson. It was one of the strangest emotional conflicts he'd ever endured.

He took yet another deep breath, and another when he realized his biotics had unconsciously flared during his little mental tug of war, and looked at the woman sitting calmly waiting for his reply to her declaration. He said the first thing that he could think of, the best thing, a simple, succinct "No."

Miranda looked at Kaidan sharply, wondering if she had actually heard what he had said. She had been surprised to see his initial reaction, he had paled, then his biotics had flared and he had clearly spent a moment trying to control himself. She had assumed it was due to his strong feelings about Shepard and having to reconcile himself with the idea that she would, indeed, likely need to be "rebuilt". She supposed using that terminology and stating it so bluntly was not one of her more eloquent moments, but she mentally shrugged, realizing it was too late to change things now. But if she was hearing correctly, either he hadn't understood her, or he doubted what she had said. She decided to try again.

"Major – Kaidan," she corrected herself, realizing she needed to apply to the man not the soldier, "many of the original Lazarus project files were destroyed in the attack which awakened Shepard, but I've spent a great deal of time reconstru-"

"No." he interrupted her, this time more forcefully and with a shake of his head.

She stopped midsentence and stared at him. She had no idea how to react.

Kaidan saw her gape at him and sighed wearily. When he looked at her now, without the filter of temper, he saw the love and respect she had for Shepard, the desperation to want to do anything, to fix things. He realized for someone like Miranda Lawson, not being able to control a situation was be the worst possible outcome.

"Miranda," he said softly, speaking to the woman, the person that Shepard had found beneath all the cool perfection, as she had appealed to the man, "just because you **can** do something, doesn't mean that you **should**."

She looked up sharply at him, and then his words seemed to penetrate, and tears filled her eyes.

"How can you say that? You love her," she threw it at him as almost an accusation. "I was on Horizon, I saw you two."

Kaidan inhaled sharply as the reminder of what was clearly one of his least fine days was thrown in his face. If he lived as long as an asari, he was sure he would still be kicking himself for how he had acted, what he said on that fateful day. If it wasn't for the fact that he knew with certainty that Shepard had long since forgiven him for it, and acknowledged that she too, had said things she regretted, he would never be able to allow Miranda's blow to glance off his heart with only minor bruising.

"It's because I love her," he told the woman sitting before him, tears running unchecked down her face. "I respect that you, and Cerberus, had valid reasons for bringing her back the first time. Part of me even thanks you for it. If the threat of the Reapers still existed, I might even allow you to convince me that playing god with her again is necessary." Kaidan took a moment to swallow the bile that rose at that thought. "But, Miranda, she's _done_. She's finished. She won." _Alive alive alive alive alive_ "Doesn't she deserve to rest now, if that's what fate has in store for her? If we love her, shouldn't we honor her and let her go?" His voice broke on the last sentence; he looked down and tried to collect himself to continue, to find the words that would make her understand.

"I'm not sure she would thank me for revealing this to you," he continued once he felt he could do so without breaking, "and if I didn't know the love and respect she feels for you were returned, I'm not sure I would bother. Are you aware of how she felt after being resurrected?" He realized he needed to clarify when Miranda looked like she would recite the medical facts of the procedure to him. "Not on a clinical level, but emotionally, psychologically? Shepard is not a spiritual woman, but the one thing that she has always had, that has shaped her into the woman she is, the soldier she is, the leader she is, is an intrinsic belief in herself. I've seen her in situations that would shake the faith of even the most confident person," Virmire, he thought, being primary among them, "and come out just as strong, confident, assured. The only time I've ever seen her doubt herself was when she talked about her resurrection." Kaidan reflected painfully on the times he had held her as she cried, realizing that parts of her were different, changed irrevocably by the woman in front of him, done without malice, but just as wounding in the end.

"It's not that she was ungrateful – a part of her will always be happy with the result, I think, but what you did, and I realize now, in retrospect that there was no other choice, changed her, and not necessarily for the better." Kaidan sighed, regretting phrasing it that way, but still unable, unwilling to sugar coat the truth he was presenting. "I know, without a doubt, that if she was asked if she wanted to endure that again, she'd say no." At this point, he stood up to pace, roaming the small space with shortened strides, hoping to burn off the stress he was feeling.

"So yeah, I love her, and no, I don't even want to contemplate a world without her in it, and so if it were only myself to consider, I'd gratefully accept your offer. But that would be the most selfish decision I'd ever make. So, no." He came to a stop before her and looked down to see quiet acceptance on her face.

"I'm sorry," she said simply, placing a hand on his arm.

He covered her hand with his own, looked her in the eyes and said the only thing he could. "Thank you."


	7. Messages

_A/N - There is no way in hell that my Shepard sat in her cabin in the hours before the Omega-4 relay just staring at Kaidan's picture and didn't contact him. That's not who she is. Plus, there's a gap in their story that Bioware just didn't fill to my satisfaction. This chapter bridges that gap, and tells us the story of the time between Horizon and ME3 through my very Shenko filter~ Please also note that this is the first chapter that earns the M rating, for language, although it is minimal (one word minimal.) I think the chapter makes it clear, but if not, I'll state that ME2 playthroughs always go in Collector Base - Lair of the Shadow Broker - Arrival order. It's the only way my roleplaying brain can do it. My Shepard would not take another mission after Hackett told her to turn herself in after Arrival, nor would she delay defeating the Collectors to run off on a tangent, even for Liara or Hackett. If your Shepard does it differently, so be it, but I thought I'd clarify so that this chapter makes sense._

* * *

Moments after Miranda left, Kaidan found himself staring at the datapads before him, unable to concentrate on the reports and figures before him. He wanted to head back to Shepard's room, but the doctors had informed him that they would running diagnostics until 1600 and that he would not be allowed admittance. He couldn't let go of the thoughts his talk with Miranda had brought to the surface so with a sigh of resignation, he turned to his terminal and opened his email account. He opened the archive folder and found the file he was seeking. There, in front of him, was the email she had sent him on the night before her assault on the Collector base. He read back through her reply to the desperate and badly worded email he had sent days after their confrontation on Horizon and shook his head once again in wonder that they had ever resolved their relationship after that disaster.

_Re: About Horizon..._

_Kaidan,_

_I'm sorry it took me so long to reply to your email. _

_Horizon was not one of our best moments, huh? I appreciate your apology, and let me offer my own in return. Saying everything pulled hard to port really sums it up... _

_I was told prior to the mission that you might be there; I spent the entire time on the colony searching for you, then, there you were, alive and breathing... I was in shock. I only say that as an excuse for my severe foot in mouth syndrome... I knew every word I said to you was wrong as soon as it left my mouth but I couldn't seem to stop myself._

_Kaidan, you're not wrong about Cerberus, but you are wrong about me. I know I'm making deals with the Devil, I'm not stupid - and some things have happened since then that have made it even more clear to me - but SOMEONE has to do this work. SOMEONE needs to be fighting this fight... And yeah, so Cerberus resurrected me, but they did it (or say they did it) to stop the Collectors... that's not a goal I can deny._

_As I write this, we're headed to attack the Collector base. Pretty much everyone acknowledges this is a suicide mission, I'll spare you the details, but it's bad. I've got good people and I've prepared the best I can but I can't promise to be careful. But you deserve to know that of course I remember the night before Ilos - it's the most meaningful night of my life so far - and I'm sitting here wishing I could hold you again now._

_If I make it through this, when things are settled, I don't know, maybe..._

_Love,_

_Shepard_

He read the email several times then moved to the next file in the archive, sent by him immediately.

_Kat,_

_Stay alive. Everything else, all the maybes, we can figure out after, just stay alive._

_Kaidan_

Not one of his most eloquent messages he thought with a self-deprecating laugh, but it said what he needed to. He pulled up the next file in the archive.

_Kaidan,_

_We did it! Those bastards are gone, and perhaps people need to redefine suicide mission – we all survived. It was horrible, and yeah, it got pretty hairy, but in the end, Shepard – 1, Collectors – 0. I'd say that is mission complete!_

He laughed a little again now, as he had then, at her dorky humor. It was one of the things that defined both of them, really, and one of the areas that they meshed well.

_In other news I'm sure you'll also be glad to hear, I told the Illusive Man he could go fuck himself. Pretty much those exact words. At some point, I'll tell you the exact circumstances, but I'll summarize here that he once again reminded me that lying down with dogs always results in a bad case of fleas. I know that you have been trying to tell me that since Horizon, and as I said to you before, I wasn't entirely blind to it, but the extent… _

_Do you remember our conversation about cutting corners back on the original Normandy? You were always my compass, my center, and even as I sit here now, grateful to be alive, happy that my crew has survived intact, mission accomplished and humanity lives to see another day, I wonder about the corners I had to cut to get here. Do you think you can ever forgive me for them?_

_Ah, I think this letter has gotten both too long and too maudlin; I mostly just wanted to let you know the outcome. I have some business to wrap up – I need to head back to Illium and help Liara with an issue, and then Hackett has asked me to contact him asap. Guess once Alliance, always Alliance, not even death seems to change that._

_Love, _

_Kat_

The next message he was proud of, he felt he had done much better at expressing what he had wanted, needed, to say to her the moment he realized the rumors of her resurrection were true.

_Kat,_

_I don't forgive you because I don't need to. _

_Will you ever forgive me for calling you a traitor? I was hurting, reeling with shock, and I struck out in the most illogical and stupid way possible at the one person I least wanted to hurt._

_The truth of the matter is I wish I had had the courage to just take your hand and follow you, the only excuse I have for not doing so was that seeing you rocked me to my very foundation, and I think, deep inside, I was almost afraid to believe, to trust, that you were actually there and that you could be in my life again._

_Do you remember our conversations about how careful I can be, always leaving a way out? The thing that I regret most about that day was falling back on those habits. More, I regret that the first time I told you I loved you was in the heat of anger and in the past tense._

_If there is anything the past two years has taught me, it's how important you are to me, and how much I would die (again) without you. I'm not willing to let another two years go by without telling you I love you. I love you now more than I even did that night before Ilos and on that night I didn't think it was possible to love another person more._

_Stay safe and finish your business with Liara and Hackett. Then I think you owe me some shore leave._

_Love,_

_Kaidan_

He turned to the next message in the archive, seeing her reply, short as it was, reading through each word slowly, though he had long since memorized it.

_Kaidan,_

_I love you too, always have, always will._

_See you on shore leave,_

_Kat_

The final entry in the archive was a message from her, as well, this one, a video log. He took a deep breath before he opened the file, knowing the contents as well as he did, he realized that the pain that they always caused him would be even sharper now.

_Her image filled the screen and he drank in the details of her, seeing her for the first time since Horizon. He saw with a start that she looked thinner, the least healthy he had ever seen her, and her face bore several fresh cuts and bruises. He took a moment to catalog them all, wondering what had happened to put her in that condition. He could see from the way she was sitting, the way she held herself, that her injuries weren't limited to the visible wounds on her face, and although his field medic background asserted itself to assure him that she wasn't in any physical danger, just discomfort, he thought to himself that he'd like to find the persons responsible and beat them to a bloody pulp. His rational brain reminded him that they were likely already bloody pulp or very very dead, but his protective instincts didn't ever listen to reason._

_He realized with a start that her eyes held the most pain of all, and his heart sank as he heard her voice, filled with tears. He'd only ever known Shepard to cry once before, in the wake of Virmire, and even then she hadn't cried openly to him or in front of him, he just happened to hear her through the slightly open door of her cabin. That she was sitting before him now, unshed tears in her eyes, naked emotion in her voice, worried him more than any physical injury she could ever suffer and he damned the fact that they were separated by untold distance, that he couldn't gather her in his arms and hold her as she clearly needed right now._

"_Kaidan," she began, her voice breaking on his name, "I needed to see you."_

"_Shepard, what's wrong?" he questioned her softly, still drinking in the details of her appearance, "What happened?"_

"_I can't tell you," she said, and something disturbingly like a sob broke through before she took a deep breath and composed herself enough to continue, "it's bad, and you'll know soon, but I can't tell you."_

_Alarmed, he sat closer to the screen, "Kat," he began, but she cut him off before he could inquire further._

"_Alliance, classified," she said, sighing," not Cerberus, and I've probably already said more than I should. Calling you like this is selfish, I'm sorry, but I didn't want you to hear before I talked to you." She gave a small self deprecating laugh. "Of course, I can't tell you either. Just let me say that when you hear, you'll understand, but please, believe in me."_

"_I always will," he had replied._

He winced now, watching the playback, when he realized that that was yet another promise he had broken. Although he strangely hadn't doubted her over the destruction of the Alpha Relay, mostly because the Alliance brass he trusted the most, Hackett and Anderson, seemed to stand staunchly in her corner, the instant things had gone from sugar to shit on Mars, he had instantly jumped down her throat about Cerberus. He shook his head with regret at all the mistrust, doubt, and miscommunication they had allowed to nearly destroy them, then reminded himself that it was in the past, and turned back to the video log.

"_Kaidan, I need to ask you to do something you're not going to want to do, but I need you to promise me you will," her eyes were clear now, shining at him with determination, resolve, almost fervor._

"_Whatever you want, Kat," he replied, thinking he would do anything to keep the sadness out of those eyes forever._

"_I need you to stay away. You're not going to want to. But I have to turn myself in to the Alliance tomorrow. I'm headed to Omega to pick up my military escort and allow my non-Alliance crew to disembark. Then we're headed to Earth." She said the last on a sigh. _

_Kaidan knew she was born and raised on ships, a navy brat in every way and that Earth didn't hold the appeal or memories for her that it did to him, but he had never heard her speak of it with the negativity he sensed now. His stomach churned in alarm, he tried to make sense of what she was saying, and his brain kept refusing to process her request for him to stay away._

"_Kat, what's going on, what are you saying?" he asked, in desperation._

"_I can't tell you, Kaidan, please, just promise me," she was choking up again, this time the tears were falling freely and some detached and irreverent part of his brain had a thought that even crying, she was beautiful. "You need to stay away, I can't let any of this touch you, I love you too much," she broke off there, openly sobbing and brought her fist up to her mouth in a futile effort to stop. He watched as she gathered herself, at great effort and length, wiping at the tears almost in disgust, and saw the Commander Shepard mask fall in place over her face. When she looked at him again, he saw the leader, the soldier, only the slight redness and swelling of her eyes and tears drying on her cheeks remained of the woman._

"_Please, if I mean anything to you, please let me say goodbye now, and don't try to contact me." She bit out in a firm commanding tone._

"_Kat," he tried again to appeal to her, although he knew her well enough to know that Commander Shepard wasn't going to change her mind. _

"_Commander Alenko," she was playing dirty now, using their military formality to distance herself, a trick she had used in the few times they had disagreed on the SSV Normandy. If anyone had asked him prior to hearing it, he would have said he was sure it wouldn't work now that he outranked her. He would have been wrong. He did the only thing he could._

"_Aye, aye, ma'am" he replied, giving his best salute, in clear breach of military protocol, to a subordinate officer._

"_Goodbye," she replied, returning the salute in proper fashion and signed off._

He thought with irony of the message he had sent to her in casual disregard to his promise, the day of the Reaper attack. It had taken him six months to decide, even in the wake of the Alpha Relay and her detention, that he needed to see her, and being called before the Defense Committee to testify was as good an excuse as any to make that happen. He wasn't sure she had ever received it, indeed, he didn't even have it archived, and he had been careful with the wording to try to deflect any suspicion on the likelihood that her messages were monitored while she was detained. Still, he remembered it.

_Hey, Commander. Thought I might come down to see you today-if they let me. Here's hoping._

Just a casual message from one officer to another - former shipmates. Nothing suspicious or eyebrow raising. Ironic, in retrospect, even. Kaidan shook himself out the reverie of the past, checked the time on his omni-tool to see that the doctors would be done, and he headed down the hall and back to his present. _Alive alive alive alive alive…_


	8. Friends

_A/N - The idea of a duty roster for visits to Kat has me chuckling even now, I hope you appreciate it. Also, I wanted to give insight into the minds of the rest of the crew during this ordeal, and who better to do it than Garrus and Liara? They are my Shepard's two best friends, after all~_

* * *

It took two more days for the doctors to state with stern looks on their faces and much hemhawing about "not out of the woods yet" and "still too early to say" that they were "cautiously optimistic" and Kaidan immediately rejected it as a new mantra_. Alive alive alive _was much shorter, much easier, and in the end, said more than "cautiously optimistic" anyway. Still, it was a relief to hear that Shepard's intracranial pressure had stabilized and the danger of neurological trauma seemed to have receded, as had the danger of infection. The doctors allowed Kaidan and Hannah to provide a limited list of approved visitors to the nurses, provided that the total amount of visitors was restricted to two at a time.

Since Kaidan and Hannah spent anytime they were not on duty sitting at Kat's bedside together and had in fact developed a strong and easy friendship – in the end, Hannah was so much like Kat that it was easy for him to grow close to her - they solved things in the most democratic way two career military people could. They wrote a duty roster.

For every hour of visiting hours (although Kaidan and Hannah were not limited to only visiting hours, the hospital staff had long ago stopped trying to enforce that particular rule) they had slotted which two people would be in Kat's room. In most cases, the hours involved one or the other of them with a random crew member, but there were rare times when they both had obligations that took them out her room at the same time.

Which is how, three days into the rotation, Garrus Vakarian and Liara T'Soni found themselves sitting together in Shepard's room. They had both already seen her once - Liara with Hannah on day one of the rotation, Garrus with Kaidan on day two. They had both, although they hadn't discussed it until now, felt the same about the visits. They were afraid to truly react, to show the emotions they felt at seeing their leader, their hero, brought so low, in front of the people who loved her best. So they had sat their hours out in stoic silence, after exchanging polite platitudes with their partner.

Now, however, they could finally, with great relief, be honest. With each other, with themselves. They had both been there from the beginning, and they knew each other as well as they knew her. There were no polite facades or empty platitudes necessary between them - indeed, it was highly unlikely that such things would even succeed. The polite lies should be saved for people that needed them. Garrus and Liara did not. Instead, Garrus said the first thing that came to his mind when he looked upon the pale and damaged face of his best friend in the galaxy. "She looks like shit."

Liara let out a surprised laugh at his candor, then sighed and sank down into the chair at the bedside. "Yes, she does," she agreed with resignation in her voice.

"Do you remember the first time she was seriously hurt?" Garrus inquired, taking up his post leaning against the far wall of the room. He supposed he should take the other chair, touch her hand, do something to acknowledge the love he felt for the woman lying there so still and somehow small, but he couldn't bring himself to. He just couldn't reconcile himself to the fact that the woman that had been bottle shooting with him on top of the Citadel months before, allowing him in her typically graceful and intuitive fashion to have his moment of glory (oh he knew she had missed on purpose, and likely she knew that he knew, but such was the nature of their friendship that the fact would never be mentioned between them) was now lying pale, silent, still, damaged on the bed. Liara's reply brought him out of his musings.

"After Noveria, that damned space station full of rachni," Liara said, remembering now herself. She had been groundside on that mission, as had Garrus, working feverishly to get Shepard back to the Normandy after she had been overrun and poisoned by the rachni. By the time they had delivered the Commander to the medbay and the capable hands of Dr. Chakwas, she was ranting with the rachni poison and barely conscious. "I thought Kaidan was gonna kill us for letting her get hurt."

Garrus laughed softly, thinking that he had worried about that himself. It was rare for Kaidan to not go groundside - Shepard and Kaidan were a truly formidable team in combat and Shepard was reluctant to take on a mission without the security of their synchronicity. Garrus mused that Liara might not realize that Shepard had tapped her for that mission as a way to help the asari get back into things after Benezia's death and as a symbol of her trust.

"I know she took me to help me," Liara said, surprising him with her intuition and making him wonder if becoming the Shadow Broker had also made her a mind reader. "I blamed myself for letting her down."

Garrus frowned, his mandibles shifting with the expression. "It wasn't your fault, Liara."

"Oh, I know that now," she said calmly, "but the girl I was then," she sighed, "I doubted myself more often than not."

Garrus nodded, accepting the truth in that statement. The asari had truly grown over the years he had known her. He wondered how much of that was due to Shepard, how much was the galactic conflict they had been engaged in for all the time they'd know each other. A question for sharper minds, he thought, deciding that he'd never know.

"It was Kaidan that comforted me," Liara said, continuing her memory. "Ironic, I spent hours avoiding him, afraid that he'd blame me, until he finally cornered me and then he was the one that made me feel better."

"What did he say?" Garrus asked, having actually never heard this tale before.

"He asked me if I did everything I could. I thought about it for a moment, reviewing the mission in my mind again. I told him yes. He nodded and asked me if I had followed every order Shepard had given. That, I didn't have to think about, I nodded immediately. He turned to me and looked me right in the eye and said 'then let it go. Bad things happen sometimes, it's not your fault that this did.' Then he turned away, said that Shepard was fine and I could see her whenever I was ready." Liara smiled in memory of the simple comfort Kaidan had offered with quiet reassurance, even though she had seen the tightness around his eyes and the obvious distress that Shepard had been hurt.

"Yeah, he has a way about him," Garrus agreed, "he takes care of people."

"Yes," Liara agreed, thinking that summarized their friend quite well. "So who takes care of him now?" she questioned the turian who had become her friend as well.

"Good question," Garrus replied in soft tones, turning to look out the window. He didn't have an answer for her.


	9. Touch

_A/N ok, here comes the serious M part lol... I spent a great deal of time reviewing other stories rated M in this category, trying to decide if this smut was too smut for ff. In the end, what I saw seems to run the gamut, with the following on the high end of the middle. Still, this chapter is most definitely NSFW and deserves its M rating. If that offends you or turns you off, skip the italicized section and you're safe to continue with real plot in the next chapter. Hope you enjoy~_

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It was a rare moment of quiet and solitude with Shepard the next morning that Kaidan relished. Hannah had stayed on ship last night, having some administrative issues to deal with early this morning and visiting hours had yet to start. The nurses had finally taken pity on Kaidan several days into his vigil, realizing that he intended to spend all of his hours at Shepard's bedside, not just his waking ones, and scrounged up a somewhat battered recliner from somewhere so he could sleep at her bedside, holding her hand in relative comfort. The haze of sleep had yet to recede and the feel of her hand in his was so familiar his thoughts drifted into memory and he found himself mentally replaying one of their more precious moments together.

_He reflected as they headed back to the Normandy, hand in hand, directly flaunting regulations and for once not stopping to be careful about it, that his idea – his "sanity check" – had been one of his better ones. Shepard looked truly relaxed, for the first time in as long as he could remember and, if the smile pasted on her face was any indication, she was happy. It made his heart glad to realize that a simple dinner with him could do that for her. She needed more happiness._

_They reached dock D24 too soon for his tastes and headed to the airlock, hands to their individual sides now and he watched as she pulled her Commander Shepard mask in place and straightened her shoulders. Seeing that was like a kick in the gut to Kaidan after the afternoon they had spent. He looked around them quickly, and, seeing that they were as alone as they could be in the crowded docking area, he grabbed her hand before she could depress button to let them in the airlock. She looked up, startled, and opened her mouth to question him, and he took that moment to take her lips, kissing her soundly, pulling her into his arms. After a moment of shocked paralysis, she moaned and leaned into the kiss, opening her mouth to him, responding to his passion, returning it in spades. She reached up and ran her hands in his hair, tousling it, but he couldn't care while he was busy running his hands around her tight toned ass, pulling her as close to him as she could be with their clothes still on. To this day, Kaidan would wonder how far that embrace would have gone, right there on the docking bay, if a cough behind them hadn't had them breaking apart in startled surprise, still breathing hard._

_They turned to see Joker and EDI behind them, the former with a smirk on his face. Kaidan expected the smart comment to come from the pilot so the surprise when he heard EDI's calm and smooth voice say "get a room" had him barking out a laugh. Kat joined him a moment later when EDI continued in the same tone "Jeff, why did you tell me to say that? They both have 'rooms' – in fact, Shepard has a suite. It is illogical."_

_The spent an uncomfortable few moments with the other couple in decon until they were finally released into the ship, Joker and EDI headed to their standard spots in the cockpit. As soon as the doors swished closed, Shepard turned to him and stood a bit on her toes so her lips were level with his ear. "Why don't we take their suggestion?" she asked, grinning. Then she turned and walked towards the CIC and the elevator, her cabin the obvious final destination. Kaidan paused for one moment to contemplate whether he owed Joker a bottle of his favorite Thessia red, then followed Shepard to the elevator._

_They resumed their embrace as soon as the door to her cabin shut behind them. Kaidan was glad he had already seen the new loft cabin on the tour she had given him after he had rejoined the crew, because it didn't seem likely that he would be getting a tour now. Their lips still locking, tongues warring with each other, she walked backwards down the stairs to the lower portion of the cabin and dragged him with her. She continued until she reached the bed then she pulled on his shoulders and yanked him down with her. They fell to the bed together, rolling to their sides, laughing in delight with each other. Kaidan realized that this was the second time today that he found himself wanting to take his time, to savor her. He rolled himself half on top of her, hands framing her face and stared into those gorgeous deep green eyes for just a moment before he brought his lips to hers once again, this time in a light caress, feather kisses barely there, resisting her efforts to escalate the kiss. _

"_Kat," he breathed her name in a whisper, still a little surprised that he was there, she was here, with him, they were together – finally. It had been three years since he'd last touched her, and he intended to make this night last as long as he could, in case he needed to tuck it away and remember it on lonely nights to come._

"_Kaidan," she breathed his name on a moan, as she always did when they were in bed. The sound thrilled him, warmed his heart, and he thought for a moment about the range of tones in which she could say his name - just that one word – and mean so many different things, from command to desperate call for help, to stern disapproval, to the soft wonder of pleasure and love. He decided with great satisfaction that the last was his favorite and leaned to kiss her again, answering the silent request in her eyes._

_He took his time and explored her mouth thoroughly, just kissing, enjoying the taste of her and the sounds of her escalated breathing, smelling the scent that was uniquely hers. He moved his mouth over her jaw skimming over it to find the spot she loved him to tease with his tongue, just behind her ear. Just as she moaned and reached for him, he stretched his arms over, concentrating on her ear and neck with his mouth, he grabbed her hands in one of his and stretched them above her head, holding her still. He knew without question that she could break the hold in a heartbeat if she wanted, but she acquiesced, quieting beneath him, arching her back as much as his weight would allow and closing her eyes. He murmured his approval in her ear and began to move his mouth down her neck until he reached the collar of the standard BDUs she wore ubiquitously when onboard or on the Citadel. He released her hands so that he could use both of his but whispered "stay" over her lips in a barely there kiss when she tried to move from the position he'd placed her in._

_She humored him once again and he thought to himself, not for the first time today, how much he loved her. She usually preferred their encounters hot and hard and passionate, energetic. Since they were usually stolen moments of furtive coupling whenever they could find the time and the privacy, he usually agreed. Tonight, though, he intended to enjoy her, to make love to her, finally, in the way he had never allowed himself before. She was a precious gift he was lucky to have been given again and he intended to show her._

_Both his hands free, his set about unwrapping his gift, slowly, his mouth caressing each new patch of skin he uncovered. When he finally had her down to her underwear – not standard Alliance issue tonight, he noticed, wondering if she had planned this outcome from the moment she had dressed today and deciding that it was likely – he sat back for a moment to just appreciate her. He might have spent longer if he hadn't noticed that she was clearly uncomfortable, almost squirming. He raised his eyes to hers, questioningly, and she turned her head and wouldn't meet his gaze. Alarmed, he gently took her chin between his thumb and forefinger and turned her face to his, "Kat?" he questioned softly._

_She let her breath out on a long sigh, finally looking into his eyes, and confessed, in a small voice, "It's not the same."_

_Kaidan was confused for one long moment then realized she was referring to her body, reconstructed painstakingly by Cerberus, but, yes, to his knowing eyes, not the same as the original. Scars she borne previously were no longer there, freckles were in different places, small, minute details that only someone who had spent as much time as he had memorizing her body would be likely to notice. She knew he would and was ashamed – _ashamed_ he thought with astonishment – of it._

_He spared one bitter moment to add another tally in the column he'd labeled "reasons to hate Cerberus" and then leaned over to kiss her gently, holding her gaze with his loving one. "It's still you," he stated quietly, his tone gentle but firm and brooking no argument, "and it's you that I love, it's your body that lets me show you how much. Will you let me show you?" he questioned, not moving, waiting for her to digest his words and give her permission. Her gaze softened and she practically glowed with love and happiness with him and he breathed an internal sigh of relief that she was willing to trust him, even now, especially now, after everything they had been through together._

"_Kaidan," she breathed again in that tone he loved, and inclined her head up for his kiss._

_He happily obliged, taking her lips again, this time with more passion than before, exploring her with lips and tongue while he allowed his hands the freedom to roam her body, stroking her gently, an arm here, a leg there, cupping a breast, stroking her stomach lightly, careful not to tickle her, then moving down to trace over a thigh. He reached behind her and unclasped the lacy black bra, drawing it off her shoulders as he moved his mouth down, kissing and licking along the way until he reached his destination – the pert pink nipple that stood erect and waiting for his tongue. He laved it gently, then took it into the suction of his mouth and gave a few gentle pulls. She moaned and her hands came up to tunnel into his hair, holding him to her, in case he would feel inclined to stop. Not likely._

_He brought his hand up and cupped the other breast, traced his fingers over the twin of the nipple currently in his mouth, and then pinched it lightly, just enough to stimulate, not enough to cause pain, between his thumb and forefinger. She moaned again and arched against him, her fingers tightened in his hair. He had a moment of male satisfaction that he had clearly pleased her and switched nipples with his mouth to give the other fair treatment. He let his hand trail down her stomach, between her thighs, and pushed gently to encourage her to open for him. She let her thighs fall open, the implicit trust in that action causing his heart to once again swell with love and he settled himself more comfortably between them._

_He moved back and forth between each nipple, laving and sucking, giving them the attention they deserved, while one of his hands traced gently up and down her inner thighs. He knew her well and he sensed the moment she was ready for his efforts to escalate, the moment it teetered between arousal and frustration, and he responded by kissing his way down her stomach, while his hands reached up to divest her of her last remaining article of clothing. He sat back on his haunches, between her thighs, for a moment he looked at the perfection laid out before him, then took the time to divest himself of his own clothes before leaning back over her. He moved his arms behind her thighs and leaned down to kiss her stomach once again before he gently pushed her open and back further with his hands on her inner thighs and trailed his tongue over the beautiful flesh revealed to him. She was wet, so wet, and hot, and she tasted exactly as he remembered from three years ago. Her taste was something he never forgot, not even when he thought her dead, apparently it was sensory memory burned into his brain. _

_Her breathing had quickened and despite his hands on her thighs, her hips were bucking a bit, rising to meet his mouth on each stroke. He knew she was close and decided that it was time to reward the patience and trust she had shown him and closed his mouth over her clit, sucking it between his lips and flicking his tongue over it, once, twice and she came, hard, on the third stroke. He watched her orgasm from what he considered the best seat in the house, keeping his pressure, bringing her down gently, slowly, enjoying the sight of her abandoned to pleasure, head thrown back, fist in her mouth to mute her screams, nipples pebbled and hard, abdominal muscles rippled and tight. When the last spasm had subsided, he crawled his way back up her body, kissing and licking as he went until he was level with her mouth again. He took it passionately, gentleness abandoned in the desire to show this woman, his perfect mate, how much he loved her, how grateful he was to be here, sharing this stolen night of pleasure with her._

_She kissed him back with the same passion, stroking his shoulders, his back, with her hands, reaching his ass and squeezing lightly till she pulled him flush against her. He was as hard as he could ever remember being, and saw no reason to deny either of them further when she tilted her hips to draw him inside her and wrapped her legs around his hips to draw him deep. He realized as he slid inside her tight hot heat that this, finally, was home, and he seated himself to the hilt and paused, holding himself still for a breath. He looked deep into her eyes, saw the welcome there under the heat and began to move, to start the dance that would unite them once again, finally, after so long apart. _

_He hadn't been with anyone since the last time with her, lack of both desire and opportunity contributing to his celibacy, and he knew he wouldn't last as long as he'd like now. He set a steady pace but still tried to stave off the inevitable, wanting to see her explode in pleasure once again before he found his. Kat, his beautiful and fierce warrior woman, was having none of that, and she used the leverage of legs around his back to pull herself up to meet each of his thrusts, moaning to indicate that she was as close as he was getting. She dragged his head down to kiss him again, her tongue thrusting in his mouth to mimic the action of their lower bodies. She panted and moaned into his mouth and then, when he reached down between them to flick her clit with his fingers, she threw her head back and let go. He felt her body fist around him, squeezing him, and followed her into pleasure, moaning her name into her throat._

_They lay there for what seemed like hours, breathing hard, exhausted and relaxed and joined in the most intimate way possible. When his heart finally resumed a semi-normal beat, he rolled to his back beside her on the bed and drew her to him, letting her sprawl over his chest in boneless bliss. He planted a kiss on the top of her head and murmured "I love you" and smiled when he heard her reply, sleepily, "love you too," as they drifted off to sleep together._

The memory brought a smile to his face as he came awake, something tugging at his consciousness even in his sleep. He felt it again, and startled fully awake, his heartbeat kicking up a notch. He looked down to their joined hands for visual confirmation of what his brain was signaling and got it. Her fingers were moving. He kissed her hand, once, quickly, and sprang up to find one of her doctors.


	10. Sharing

_A/N - This chapter, my dear readers, is another that is near and dear to my heart. Seeing Shepard so broken after Thessia never fails to tug at me, and my Shenko brain refuses to think that Kaidan wouldn't have been there to console her. Voila! This chapter was born.  
_

_And I have now reached the end of the content I have currently written. I do plan to continue this story and update as frequently as possible. This tale is burned into my brain and writing it has been a tremendous joy so far. I hope that if you're reading this note now, you have been entertained by the story so far and would like to see more. I can only ask, at this point, for you to take a moment to drop me a line and let me know you'd like more. I'm not needy, per se, but, oh, what the hell, I'm needy! I'd love to hear what you think! See you again soon..._

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Autonomic response was the term the doctors used. Unlikely that it was more than anything but reflex, in other words, they stated. Not an indication of improvement, they cautioned. Kaidan didn't care. He knew. He believed.

She still hadn't repeated the gesture a few hours later when he found himself sitting with Liara for her "rotation". He reflected that Liara had been quiet, remote since they had arrived at the hospital. Although she had never been gregarious her current reserve was odd for her. After ten minutes of silence, he looked at her questioningly. "What's wrong, Liara?" he asked.

Liara met his eyes, her blue ones startled and if he didn't know better, he'd swear she was embarrassed. "I'm sorry, Kaidan," she stated softly, gently. "It's hard to see her like this, and you, as well. I'm not sure what to say."

Kaidan started, realizing that her reserve was in deference to his pain and thought, not for the first time, that Shepard was truly a genius to be able to read these people as well as she did. He sighed and extended the hand that didn't hold Kat's and grabbed Liara's and squeezed gently. "You all love her too," he said, "I know that. You can say whatever you feel."

Liara smiled gently, and looked more like the woman he had come to know well over the last few years. "Thank you for that, Kaidan," she replied, "but I don't think you realize that we all love you too. The last thing we want to do right now is cause you more pain." She cast her eyes down at the woman lying on the bed, still and quiet, still bruised and pale, although, she noted, not as bad as when she had first seen her. She took a deep breath and came to an internal decision.

"Do you know the moment I realized how much she loves you?" she questioned him softly, looking for signs that her gentle inquiry was doing more harm than good. Kaidan shook his head in the negative and looked eager for her to continue. "It was after you were injured on Mars." Kaidan looked surprised at that response and she quickly went on to reassure him, "oh, don't get me wrong, I knew long before that, perhaps even before she so gently turned aside my affections in an incredibly foolish and awkward conversation on the original Normandy. But the depth of those feelings - that I didn't see until that day. That was the first time in all the years I have known her that I have ever seen Shepard helpless, speechless, directionless."

Kaidan looked up sharply, hearing what she was saying, but not quite understanding her point. "What do you mean?" he asked.

Liara smiled gently, and squeezed his hand. "What's the one thing you think of when you think of her? For me, its direction, purpose. No matter the odds, the obstacles, she has a plan, she takes action, she wraps herself in the belief that if she keeps moving forward and working at it, she can overcome it, and somehow, someway, she drags the rest of us with her."

Kaidan nodded, it was a very apt summary of the Commander Shepard that everyone knew. Very few people - he was one of the lucky few - ever got to see the Katriona Shepard beneath that mask.

"That day, after you were hurt, she sat in the medbay, and she looked, I don't know… lost. Small, helpless, like she didn't know what to do, she had no plan. It was like she had lost her anchor and was drifting." Liara smiled gently, remembering, "it was that moment that I realized the depth of the feelings she has for you. Only the threat of your loss could set her adrift like that."

Kaidan looked down at the woman lying on the bed, the woman that he would do anything for, die for if needed, and considered for a moment. The gift that Liara had just given him was one he felt deserved reciprocation but he had spent so long protecting the image of Commander Shepard, he wasn't sure the woman underneath would forgive him for revealing her. He came to the decision that if she disagreed with his choice, she could damn well wake up and yell at him for it and he'd take his lumps, with a smile on his face. He took a deep breath and opened his mouth to relate a moment he'd shared, not with Commander Shepard, but with his Kat…

_They'd left the Reaper controlled skies of Thessia behind and traveled through the relay into safer territory over an hour ago. He found her sitting outside the com room, the incessant beeping signaling that she had a call waiting on the QEC behind her. The Asari councilor, Tevos, calling to ask about their mission he guessed. Shepard didn't move, didn't give any indication that she heard it. She was slumped against the wall, head down and looked as defeated as he'd ever seen her. _

"_Shep-" he started to say her name then realized he was using the wrong form of the address and started again. "Kat," he corrected himself, sliding down to the floor beside her, not touching her, but close enough that he knew she would feel his warmth beside her. "You did everything you could, you know that, right?"_

_She looked at him with hollow eyes, the grief had settled deep and he saw the stress in every line of her body. "Did I?" she asked him in a small voice, telegraphing fatigue and defeat with her tone, the set of her shoulders, and the self-doubt that was as rare as the failed result of their mission. "I took down a Reaper on Rannoch, didn't I? I cured the fucking genophage, didn't I? I solved a three hundred year old conflict, for fuck's sake, didn't I? So why did one man keep me from the last piece of the puzzle we needed to finally end this? How could I let that happen?" She let her breath out with a hitch and he realized with a start that she was close to tears for one of the few times he'd ever known her. "How could I let Liara down like that? What can I say to her?"_

_Knowing her as well as he did, Kaidan knew that her last questions were the heart of the matter. Although the fall of Thessia was hard to stomach and would have hit her no matter what, it was the inconceivable thought that she had disappointed one of her crew, one of her dear friends, hell, her family, that was at the heart of the depression that weighed heavy on her in this rare moment of doubt that most humans experienced on a regular basis. He added another reason to the growing list of why he loved her and reached over to gather her against him, allowing her a moment to be fragile, to rely on him for once. He rubbed his hands over her arms, stroked her hair gently, then he pulled back and looked her in her eyes._

"_Kat," he told her gently, "you may be Commander Shepard, legend in your own time, and yes, you did all of those things that you listed. But everyone, even Commander Shepard, has a bad day. What makes you different from the rest of us mere mortals is you take those bad days and make the bastards responsible for them pay for ever making you cranky. You may not see it now, but I don't doubt that you'll be feeding Kai Leng his own sword at the next available opportunity, probably with an arrogant snarl on your face. And I will love you as much in that moment as much as I do now in this one. And that, my love, is how you'll avenge Liara, and Thessia. Right now, she needs to believe that day will come. Can you do that for her?"_

_Kat looked at him, startled, and he realized that may have been one of his more eloquent speeches to her. He was always better in text than in person and between the two of them, they had more than a few examples of blundering miscommunication. He saw the moment his words sank in and witnessed the wonder, not for the first time, of her pulling Commander Shepard around herself like a shield. Before Kat disappeared completely though she leaned over and kissed him softly and whispered "thank you" against his lips. Then she stood up and headed to the com room to answer Tevos' call._

He saw the tears streaming down Liara's face when he finished recounting his story and the smile of reverent love as she glanced down at the woman on the bed between them, and he knew he made the right choice by sharing the glimpse of the Shepard behind the mask.

"She came to me and comforted me after that, did you know?" Liara asked him.

He hadn't, but hearing it didn't surprise him in the least. That's who Shepard is, who Kat is, he thought. She gives until there's nothing left to give, then reaches somewhere inside and finds more. He smiled and replied softly, "Of course she did."

They sat in companionable silence for the remainder of Liara's rotation after that, but no longer was there reserve or restraint between them. Another thing for which they could thank the woman they both loved.


	11. Joker

_A/N - Wow, this chapter was hard to write. It was one of the first I had planned, and one of the ones I saw the clearest when I planned it out, but still, I put off writing it. I love Joker, he's one of my favorites, and although I firmly believe the destroy ending is the only one my Shep would ever consider, the heart wrenching guilt I feel everytime makes it a bittersweet choice. Hopefully, I have done the man some justice and given him some peace. Please R/R :-__)_

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Kaidan glanced at the door distractedly, still embroiled in his thoughts after Liara's visit and fully expecting to see Tali, she was next on the roster, and then he did a double take when he saw Joker standing in the door, clearly hesitant to actually enter the room. This visit, he thought grimly, was not gonna be easy, nor would it be resolved by telling a touching story. As far as he knew, this was Joker's first visit to Shepard's room since she had been cleared for visitors; he had not even asked to be added to the roster.

Kaidan respected Joker's pain too much to question the reasons, and he was sure they were myriad and multitude. Shortly upon rejoining the Fleet, they had been informed that the same malfunction that had permanently disabled EDI had affected the Geth as well, and the rare known instances of AI. Although the only person who could shed light on the situation was currently lying comatose under the watchful eyes of her lover, it didn't take rocket science to draw the conclusion that whatever had happened in those last moments on the Citadel before the Crucible had fired had affected not just the Reapers but all synthetic life.

Joker was far from dumb and Kaidan knew, at least on some level, that he had already made the connection that the woman he had followed through hell and back had in some way – deliberate or not – been responsible for the death? termination? of the pilot's um, girlfriend.

Although he didn't consider himself closed-minded per se, Kaidan realized that perhaps he wasn't the most _modern_ of men. He accepted that people found love where they could, and he even thought it should be encouraged where possible. But he had never understood Shepard's dogged insistence that Joker and EDI had a real, meaningful relationship that could rise above the level of man and his hot mech sex toy. He had respected EDI, even liked her, and had seen signs toward the end that she was evolving, but a romance? That strayed a little far away from the traditions and values that Kaidan still clung to at his core.

Still, he mused, the pilot had definitely exhibited the signs of grief over the last few weeks, and he should know. Kaidan considered himself an _expert_ at grieving after the loss of love, so perhaps he had been wrong, or at least, not ok, open-minded, enough to see the relationship for what it had been. Either way, Joker was a friend; an original member of the Normandy family; and he liked and respected the man enough to allow him his feelings whether Kaidan could make that leap or not.

"Are you gonna stand there holding up the doorframe or come in and see how uncomfortable these chairs really are?" he questioned the man, falling on Joker's own medium – humor – to break the ice that seemed to forming in the room. Joker started and limped forward, lowering himself into the chair opposite Kaidan in silent response.

"Guess she'll get to figure out what it's like to walk a meter in my shoes soon." Joker said, gesturing to the casts swathing Shepard's arms and legs.

Kaidan winced at the remark; thinking it wasn't one of Joker's finest moments, and the words, "How can you say that, looking at her like this?" seemed to fall from his lips in heated tones, almost without his permission.

Joker looked up, sharply, eyes narrowed and his green gaze pinned Kaidan in place. Anger, definitely, but there was sorrow and even some resignation there as well. None of the emotions surprised Kaidan, but Joker's next words still cut through him with burning precision. "Sorry, Major, I failed to consult the 'so your girlfriend killed my girlfriend and now she might die too, what do we talk about now?' manual before I got here."

Kaidan found his biotics flaring, his temper boiling, and every instinct within him that made him a predator screamed to him that he should smash that look off Joker's face. Instead, he closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and repeated his mantra _alive alive alive alive _until he felt the moment of gratitude and pity that indeed, his love was still alive, he was sitting here holding her hand, while the man across from him would never do that again with his.

"Joker," he sighed softly, "what do you want me to say? I'm sorry? Because I am, truly. Sorry for your loss. But I won't now nor will I ever be sorry or feel guilty that she's alive," he gestured at Shepard's recumbent form, "and EDI is not. I won't ever feel sorry that the Reapers are gone and EDI is too. There are no words to tell you how much I'm sorry for the pain you feel, but if you ask me if I think the cost was too high, then I'd tell you that no cost was too high. I'd tell you that if the cost had been Shepard's life, I would live in constant agony for the rest of my days but I'd honor and celebrate her for the sacrifice she'd made."

Joker stared at him, eyes still hot and piercing in anger for about another ten count then he sighed and dropped his gaze in weary resignation. "How do you live with yourself if you're glad the person you loved is dead?" he asked quietly.

Brutal way to put it, but Kaidan understood what he meant. He didn't think there was any response he could make that would come close to helping Joker, and he knew the other man didn't expect one.

"I think I've spent three weeks being angry at the wrong person," Joker said, almost too soft for Kaidan to hear.

He got that too. He had once lashed out at the only person that didn't deserve it. Anger was a shield but it was also a crutch. The difficulty was figuring out when to embrace it, and when to fight against it. He figured Joker had just taken his first steps in the right direction.


	12. Mothers

_A/N - ok so I can't stop writing, and even though I have yet to hear from any of you (taps foot), I've decided to go ahead and post. Hope you are enjoying! Write and let me know! Pretty please?_

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At the conclusion of visiting hours that evening, Kaidan let out a long and heartfelt sigh and made himself comfortable in the recliner. The day had been long, emotional, trying, even painful at times and Kaidan didn't think he'd talked that much in two years combined before it. He glanced at Shepard's pale face once again and smiled. "You better wake up soon," he told her with a grimace, "or you may wake up to a catatonic or insane man." He closed his eyes and tried to relax and was very close to dozing off when he heard footsteps on the tile floor. He cracked one eye open to see Hannah standing at her daughter's bedside, stroking her forehead as she was wont to do. Kaidan tried to guess whether she'd be staying, preparing to move to the torture chair to allow her the relative comfort of the recliner if she was.

She looked up, her blue eyes meeting his brown when she saw he was awake. "I'm sorry to wake you," she murmured in soft tones, seemingly unwilling to disturb the peace of the room with more volume.

"I wasn't sleeping yet," he told her, waving that there was no harm done. "Are you staying, Hannah?" he inquired, keeping his voice pitched at the soft levels she had.

"Not tonight," she replied. "My duties are piling up and I know Kat's in very capable hands so I don't even need to feel guilty for wanting to dive in." She smiled serenely, thinking that she was lucky that Kat had never once tried to place that guilt on her, blamed her for being an Alliance officer first, mother second. Still, Hannah carried that guilt within and she hoped what she saw in Kaidan was real. This was a man that wouldn't let her daughter make the same mistake she had, wouldn't let her career consume her until life had nearly passed her by.

Still, she mused, if Kat's father had lived, not been KIA at the end of the First Contact War when Kat was barely eight years old, things may have been different. For Michael, she would have gladly retired, perhaps even provided Kat with a brother or sister or two. But she knew the instant she had heard those words: that the Alliance regretted to inform her that her husband, Major Michael Shepard, had been killed in action, a part of her had died too. The Alliance was the only love in her life since, and she really had very few regrets.

That didn't stop her now from looking upon her only child with a mother's eyes, wanting better for Kat than she herself had. In Kaidan, she saw everything that Kat needed to make that happen, if only she'd wake up and take it. She would have loved Kaidan for her daughter's sake, but the thought that she liked and respected the man was an unexpected delight. She looked at him now, face relaxed, Kat's hand in his as he slept.

She turned back to Kat, stroking her daughter's forehead once again, stalling the moment she'd have to leave and return to the Kilimanjaro where a seemingly endless list of duties awaited, and was startled to hear the beep of an omni-tool. She looked at her own, thinking to silence it before she woke Kaidan, and realized it was his that was the culprit.

He came awake in typical military fashion, one moment unconscious; the next ready to defeat any foe that threatened. To say that he was mildly perturbed to discover that the "foe" in question was his omni-tool was a serious understatement. He considered, for just a moment, silencing the thing and ignoring the call, but he had never been a man to shirk his duty. He pulled up the display, did not recognize the id, and answered with a barked "Alenko." He saw Hannah begin to gather herself to leave, give him his privacy, and then saw the grief riddled face of his mother on the display before him and his heart froze. "Mom? " he said softly, a question in his voice.

Hannah saw the look mirrored in Kaidan's expressive face and her own heart cringed in sympathy. Kaidan was, she thought, one of the gentlest men she had ever met, wrapped under all that Alliance regulation soldier. A man like that inspired the women who loved him to want to protect him, to nurture the gentle man they saw inside. In that respect, Hannah could feel no differently than her daughter, and instead of leaving, she moved to stand behind Kaidan's recliner, and placed a supportive hand on his shoulder while he tried to get his mother to calm enough to speak with him.

Kaidan looked up gratefully; smiling at Hannah, appreciating the unassuming comfort she offered and turned back to his mother. She had been crying, for what seemed like days, he thought. He was so glad to finally see her, verify that she was indeed still alive and unhurt, as his last reports before they left for Earth had indicated. Global communications had been largely disrupted and remained in a state of disrepair from the war, only QEC was reliable currently. As far as he knew, there was no QEC access in interior BC so he had been unable to contact her since returning to Earth, despite his daily inquiries.

Since his father had re-enlisted on the day of the Reaper invasion and was therefore an Alliance soldier, information on him had been, ironically, both easier to acquire and more difficult. He had been reported MIA two days after his re-enlistment, leading a squad of infantry through Vancouver to clear a path for rescue workers. The Alliance had no further updates, but Kaidan had been a soldier long enough to know that the length of time since anyone had seen his father told the story as accurately as any report could.

"Kaidan," his mother finally managed to squeeze out his name through her sobs, "you're alive." She smiled a tight watery smile, and Kaidan thought it was the most beautiful one he'd ever seen from her.

"Yeah, Mom," he replied, giving her a soft, gentle smile of his own, "I'm ok. Not even injured."

"They told me you were in a trauma center," his mother's voice broke on a sob again, "I was worried. Kaidan, your father…" Fresh tears prevented her from continuing.

"I know, Mom," he replied quietly, leaving the trauma center comment alone for now. "Where are you?" he asked her.

"Still at the orchard," she told him, "the news reports, what we could get before everything went dark, said outlying areas were safest."

He nodded. "That's good, Mom, that was smart. The news was right," he reassured her.

They spoke for a few more moments, not of anything too heavy - Kaidan knew that although his mother was a strong woman, she was stretched beyond her limits. Her told her he'd contact her tomorrow during duty hours to arrange for transport to him. He signed off with a quiet, "I love you, Mom," knowing that he wouldn't feel completely at peace until she was safe with him, but having to settle for now.

After the call was finished, he patted Hannah's hand once again, thanking her. She looked at him with a mother's eyes and then, surprising both him and herself, leaned over and placed a kiss on his forehead then turned without speaking and left him to the quiet of the room.


	13. Squeeze

_A/N - FYI, I love Kasumi. I hope I did her justice.  
_

* * *

Kaidan wasn't sure what woke him so abruptly the next morning. Some instinct, some sense, that there was something wrong. His heart skipped a beat until the regular rhythmic sounds of the machines monitoring Shepard's heartbeat and breathing penetrated the panic that was rising in his chest. He allowed himself a calming breath and listened to the silence behind the machines, assessing.

"I'm impressed," he heard a cheerful voice announce and then saw Kasumi Goto shimmer out of her tactical cloak a second later. "The fact that you noticed something was off, even in sleep, makes you better than the last three men I killed." Kasumi giggled at her own particular brand of humor.

He didn't know much about the infiltrator-thief but he liked what he had seen so far. Still, her incessant habit of using her tactical cloak to play practical jokes on her friends was sometimes off-putting, and definitely took getting used to. He shook his head and just accepted that, like the many other misfits Shepard seemed to attract like some type of space zookeeper, Kasumi was part of the family. He realized he was being fanciful and getting off track and cleared his throat and sat up straight in the recliner.

"What are you doing here, Kasumi? And why are you cloaked?" He asked the thief.

"I wanted to see her," Kasumi gestured to Shepard, "and I'm not anymore."

Ask a question; get an answer, Kaidan thought, shaking his head. He saw the sober, uncharacteristic look on the thief's pretty face though and he knew there was more here than what she was saying. He sat back to wait her out. Kasumi did things in her own time, her own way, no amount of pressure or questions would rush her.

"She helped me once," Kasumi spoke quietly, almost too low for Kaidan to hear, but her words didn't surprise him. Shepard helped everyone. Kasumi had pulled a device from behind her back, and was showing it to him. "She helped me – acquire – this."

Kaidan studied the object in the thief's hands, not misunderstanding for a moment that 'acquire' in Kasumi meant 'steal' in English and wondered what circumstances would reduce the Shepard he knew to the level of petty theft. Galaxy saving, of course, he thought wryly. Never a slouch with tech, he recognized the graybox for what it was, but he wondered how technology so new and cutting edge fit into the galaxy-saving plan and settled back for what he was sure would be an entertaining story. He nodded at Kasumi, encouraging her to continue.

"It contains all the thoughts and memories of the man I loved," she stated simply.

Kaidan sucked a breath through his teeth. He hadn't expected that. And right now, it cut a little close to the quick.

Kasumi gave him a startled glance, surprised at his reaction, then thought a moment about the way that she had phrased her explanation. "That wasn't the point," she clarified, "just the introduction."

Kaidan accepted her implied apology for her bluntness and relaxed, waiting for her to continue.

"On the shuttle ride back, I couldn't wait to put it on, to see what Keiji had left for me. We plugged it in and discovered that he had encrypted top secret files – none of which matter now - so don't ask," she cut him off before he could question, "and he wanted me to destroy it, to destroy everything, the only thing I had left of him."

Kaidan heard the pain in her voice. Clearly she had loved this man with a depth Kaidan realized he had incorrectly assumed she didn't possess. He was sure Shepard knew though.

Kasumi looked at him, searching his face, and seemed to find the answer she wanted there, she took a breath and continued. "Shep told me if it was important to me, I could keep it. She said I just needed to be prepared to live with the consequences. I didn't know her well then - it was right after we met - so I assumed she was worried about my safety, and I reassured her to that effect."

Kasumi smiled then and he realized, not for the first time, how beautiful she was. "It wasn't until I got to know her, and saw your picture in her cabin, that I realized that she wasn't talking about the encrypted data. She was talking about the memories. I even understand what she meant now. Sometimes, the things we love are the things that hurt us the most too."

Kaidan filed the message under her words away with the heading 'think it about it later' and grasped at the part of her story that surprised him the most. "She kept a _picture_ of me?" he asked her, his surprise coloring his voice.

"Yeah, a really dorky one," Kasumi answered, studying him, "the real thing is much better."

Kaidan had to grin at her easy humor, even as he felt a blush rise, "Why thank you, ma'am," he told her. "But, why?"

"I think it was her own graybox," Kasumi replied softly, "at least it explains why she turned down every male on the ship, even some of the women. Nothing like a suicide mission to get the hormones going," the thief mused, obviously lost in her own memories now, "although Garrus surprised me. I always thought they had this buddy thing going…" she broke off as she saw the man across the room was, well, _spluttering _for lack of a better word, "What?" she asked, surprised.

"Garrus? Vakarian?" he choked out, in case there had been another turian sniper named Garrus on the Normandy in the Cerberus days.

"Yeah, something about reach and flexibility," Kasumi's answer was not enlightening in the least. "The point is, Major, that she rejected all offers and spent most of her nights in her cabin with your picture her only company. Just like I spent all my time in mine with Keiji's graybox. And now you spend all your time sitting here holding her hand. I guess we're all fools for love."

Kaidan couldn't argue with that, although he felt that the fact that his love was _alive alive alive _put a slightly different spin on things. But… Garrus… he shook his head, sighing… That was something to file under heading 'never think about again.' He smiled at Kasumi and gestured for her to take the other seat and they sat to watch over the woman who had touched them both with her love.

He started once again when he felt the pressure – slight, not even close to her usual strength – but Shepard was, without a doubt, squeezing the hand he was holding in his. He couldn't breathe for a full minute, then he felt the squeeze again and looked up at Kasumi. He didn't know his eyes were wide and filled with tears, that he looked as shocked as a man who had seen a ghost. He croaked out, "Kasumi, go get the doctor," and raised the hand that was once again squeezing his, even stronger now, and kissed it. _Alive alive alive alive_


	14. Surfacing

_A/N ok, so I was planning on holding off uploading until I heard back from any of you wonderful people, and blackmail is a great plan, until you realize you've written another good ten thousand words, and you see the hit counter rising, and you hope that there are people waiting to see where this goes as much as you are dying to share it. So, I give you the next installment – a short one, but I hope you'll like it anyway! More to come tonight, in any case _

* * *

This time, even the team of doctors which Kaidan had come to think of as the most negative people in the galaxy couldn't deny this was a positive sign. Judging by the smile wreathed on Dr. Chakwas' face when she finished her consultation with them, it was a _very_ positive sign. Kaidan still held the hand that squeezed his back, not constantly, but every few minutes or so, to his face. He personally had decided that this day was better than any other he could remember, even better than the day they knew the Reapers were finally gone. And Kasumi was his new best friend, just because she had been there when it had happened.

The only cloud on his amazing beautiful horizon was that he would have to leave Shepard for a few hours today to arrange for his mother's housing and transport. Then he'd have to somehow, on this most glorious of days, when his heart wanted to sing with joy and happiness, find the strength and sobriety to comfort the woman who had helped make him the man he was today. He knew that his mother was likely aware that he was in love, she always seemed to have an intuition about him, although he was never one to talk about his affairs. Perhaps she would be able to find comfort in his happiness. Regardless, today he felt he could accomplish anything, he'd find a way to help his mother.

He was so deep in his thoughts he nearly missed it. It was so subtle anyway, it took repetition for it to truly sink in, but once he confirmed that no, his eyes were not playing tricks, he leaned closer, staring at the face of the woman he loved with his entire soul and watched as her eyes slowly blinked open. When he saw the awareness, the consciousness, the life in them, he knew she was back. He kissed her cheek gently, stroked her forehead, and whispered in a voice husky with the emotions welling in his throat, "Hi."

Her first thought was that he looked tired, but happy, and she was oh-so-glad that her decision to call the Normandy for evac before that final run to the beam had been the right one. He may be tired, but he was sitting here now, safe and whole, and that was the important thing. She realized she must be in a hospital, she could hear the sound of the machines around her and she didn't seem to be able to move, although trying resulted in more pain than she had ever experienced before. She thought that she had either had the worst nightmare of her life or she been on one of the most freaky trips a person could have. Her memories of those final moments, after the run to the beam, didn't seem to want to coalesce. She thought the Illusive Man had been there, and Anderson – her mind shied away from that one, too much pain there for now – and the child from her dreams. What the _fuck_ did he have to do with it, anyway?

She sighed mentally, realizing she was tired, she hurt, and Kaidan - oh god how she loved him - Kaidan was here and with her. That was enough for now, she could rest. She closed her eyes again and slipped into sleep, this time a deep healing sleep.

Kaidan watched the emotions fly through her expressive eyes in those few precious seconds of consciousness. He saw the awareness, the love, the pain, confusion and then peace. He knew that the days ahead would be difficult. Although he had tried to shield himself from the doctor's reports in self-defense, he was aware enough of the struggles that lay ahead for her; the evidence was plain to anyone who had even rudimentary medical knowledge. He knew the fight ahead for Shepard may, in fact, be more difficult than any of her previous ones. Certainly more frustrating to her, if he knew her at all, since there wouldn't be anyone she could fling biotically or gun down with her shotgun in this fight. But he also knew that nothing would keep him from her side, helping her through them, just as he had from the beginning. They were a team – they had paid their dues, had their issues, but they would stand together now no matter what. He refused to consider any other outcome.

He stood up and headed out to let the doctors know of the latest development, thinking along the way that when he talked to his mother later, he needed to let her know that he had found the woman he would spend the rest of his life with. He hoped it would bring a smile to her face, finally.


	15. Caught

_A/N – Another short one, but more to come as soon as I can upload it! _

_In re-reading this, I realized that Kaidan's mom really made an about-face from her last appearance to this chapter. Since I'm the only one in my head, let me clarify that her grief in "Mothers" was due to both being so upset over losing her husband and then hearing that Kaidan was in a trauma center (although she didn't know why). That's not the Mrs. Alenko you will see from here out, she has bounced quite a bit since her son is safe :-)  
_

* * *

She didn't awaken again until two days later. The doctors weren't worried, they said sleep was good for her now, and that she would make her way back when she was ready and able. They had reduced the amount of paraphernalia connected to her to simple monitoring devices, feeding tubes and various IVs. They had also lifted the restrictions on her visitors, although they cautioned that there should be no "rowdiness" and the amount of visitors at a time should be restricted to less than the entire crew. All in all, they were pleased with her recovery – it was still just shy of a month since she had been injured in the final battle – she was making good progress.

Knowing all that didn't keep Kaidan from worrying that she'd fall back into the oblivion that had almost stolen her from him permanently, and he slept less now, if possible, than he had in those first few weeks. He knew it wasn't logical, but that didn't console him. He waited, watching, distracted even during the endless troop of well-wishers though her room, unable to really interact with them now. He knew there was only one person he wanted to speak with, and she was sleeping.

When she finally opened her eyes, groggy but very much Shepard, aware, awake, he wasn't sure what he expected. He held her gaze for a long moment while he watched her focus. She glanced around the room briefly then her eyes held his again, and she spoke for the first time in nearly a month. She was weak and her voice was desperately raspy from disuse so he had to lean over to hear her. With his ear near her lips, he heard her breathe, "Kaidan."

He corrected his earlier reflections and decided that this was now his favorite way she had ever said his name.

He smiled at her and gave her his standard greeting, although he had to swallow before he could get the words out. "Hey there."

She smiled back. It was wobbly and weak, but he saw it, in the slight change of the set of her lips. Then she proved that she was, indeed, still Shepard when the next words out of her mouth, in a bit stronger voice were: "Did we win?"

He barked out a laugh, thinking that this was the woman he loved, ever the soldier. The mission came first, last and everything in between. He wouldn't have her any other way. "Yeah, we did." He answered her, grinning like a fool. "You did it."

"Good," she replied. "Love you." The last was mumbled as she fell asleep again.

Kaidan whispered "I love you, too," although he knew she wouldn't hear him and settled down to watch over her, dozing off in the recliner after just a few minutes.

* * *

His mother found him there about an hour later. She studied the scene before her for a moment from the doorway before she entered the room. She saw her son, looking worn and more rumpled than she had ever known him to be, slumped in a battered recliner holding the hand of the woman lying on the bed, also sleeping. She studied her, _the_ Commander – Captain, she corrected herself – Shepard. To her eyes, she was simply a woman, slight and pale with bright red hair. Oh, she saw the beauty in the face relaxed in sleep, even through the faded bruises. And of course, she had heard the stories, seen the vids. She knew Kaidan had served under her about four years ago, and most recently as well she assumed. He had praised her command in his messages home. But to a mother's eyes, and she certainly didn't miss the significance of her son sitting there, holding his commanding officer's hand, she was a woman. One she obviously needed to get to know asap.

To that end, she moved around the bed and approached her sleeping son. She reached out a hand and tucked the stray hair that had fallen on his forehead back in place and then kissed him on his cheek as if he was still her little boy.

He stirred and opened his eyes to see his mother standing before him, smiling, hands on hips. For a moment, he felt five again, being caught raiding the cookie jar before dinner, but he searched her face and saw mischief, not reprimand, there.

"So," she said, grinning, "is there something you'd like to tell me, son?"

Kaidan grinned back, reached out and pulled her into a warm hug. He was so glad to see the woman who seemed so disconsolate just days before had obviously found the resilience, the bounce, that so defined the strong woman she was. Seeing her broken had nearly torn his heart and seeing her now – just Mom – as he'd always known her - healed it.

"So, it turns out I'm in love with the most wonderful woman in the galaxy," he replied cheekily. Then he realized his gaffe and corrected himself. "Er, the second most wonderful woman in the galaxy."

Marina Alenko laughed softly at her son's backpedal. Ever the gentleman, she thought, with pride. "I think you can be forgiven for thinking her first, Kaidan," she said, settling on the air of his chair, placing her arm around his shoulder. "Now," she said, "why don't you tell me about her?"


	16. Couples

_A/N – and more! Lovely people, please let me know if you're enjoying this... Again, I'm taking a little artistic license here... to my Shepard, Tali is a little sister, and I treat her accordingly~  
_

* * *

She looked more like Shepard than shit Garrus mused as he studied her face when he entered her room, hesitating at the door for a moment until she turned her head and smiled at him. "Garrus," she greeted him softly. He moved toward the bed, mumbling her name with gratitude in his heart but he didn't sit. He left the chair for the quarian that had accompanied him.

"And Tali," Shepard added in a tone that somehow said so much more than just simply her name.

"Keelah, Shepard," Tali breathed softly through her mask, "you had us all so worried."

Garrus saw the slight tightening of Kaidan's mouth – the only indication of stress that seemed to remain on the man's face. He, too, Garrus thought, looked much less shitty. Then he turned his attention back to the woman on the bed who was smiling gently at Tali.

"I'm sorry," Shepard said simply.

Garrus thought he could see the blush on Tali's face even through the purple of her mask as she rushed to correct herself. "I didn't mean…" Tali broke off as she realized Shepard had been teasing her, ever the big sister. He had long ago decided that their relationship fit the role of siblings more than commander and underling or even shipmates. Another reason he liked Shepard as much as he did. She had a way of giving everyone exactly what they needed from her.

"It's so good to see you awake," he told her now, in complete understatement of the relief and happiness he felt.

Shepard took a moment to smile softly at Kaidan when he raised her hand to his mouth and kissed it, and agreed, "It's good to be awake. How have the two of you been?"

Kaidan gave her a short summary of the projects on which they had been involved for the reconstruction efforts and their progress so far. Garrus reflected that he managed to do so as if he were reporting to his commander instead of the woman he was smiling at with such love and admiration, even while still holding her hand to his face. Impressive compartmentalization there, he had to admit.

At the end of Kaidan's report, Tali rushed in to add, "And of course, I've been working on my off hours with other quarian engineers to try to-" A squeeze of Garrus' talons on her shoulder and the look of alarm on Kaidan's face stopped her from continuing to report that they had been trying to reactivate EDI and instead she substituted, somewhat lamely, "increase the production of dextro-based foods."

Garrus wasn't sure their deception worked. Shepard was one of the more intuitive people in the galaxy and he knew she wouldn't be fooled by Tali's assertion that feeding the dextros was a crisis at this point, but he relaxed visibly when he saw she was going to let it lie for now. At least he wouldn't have an angry Major lecturing him later. As much.

In an effort to distract everyone from the near miss, and, he admitted, to satisfy his own curiosity, he turned to the woman on the bed and asked what everyone in the room was thinking but wouldn't say: "So, Shepard, what the hell actually happened on the Citadel?"

He saw Kaidan wince at his bluntness, and realized that the lecture had just gotten longer, but forged ahead anyway. "Can you tell us?"

He watched her face close down, some of the life leave her gaze and the mask the she usually wore during missions was firmly in place when she replied, "I don't remember" in low tones.

He immediately regretted his impetuous query and switched instead to friend mode. "That's ok, it's the result that counts, right? And it's the Reapers sitting in that bar," although he wasn't sure Reapers drank, but whatever, point stands, "instead of us."

She smiled, features relaxing, and nodded at his peace offering, "That they are."

Garrus breathed a sigh of relief that she was apparently feeling generous today. Then her next statement corrected that assumption. She was an evil woman.

"So, Tali," she inquired of the quarian sitting to her left, "still using him for his body?" She smirked when she heard Tali squeak and he suddenly found the view outside the window behind Kaidan required his attention. Trust Shepard to turn the tables on them so effortlessly. Although he and Tali were indeed still um, getting caught on his mandibles, they hadn't yet decided to define their relationship. Neither of them was really good at those kind of talks anyway, so they had continued on, individually deciding that the other would decide when to stop, without really discussing it.

"Oh come on," Shepard continued, enjoying herself entirely too much as far as Garrus was concerned, "I think it's cute."

"Yeah Garrus," Kaidan piped in, "who has the reach, who has the flexibility?"

Garrus started to hear his words, uttered long ago in a moment of embarrassing misinterpretation of his growing feelings for the woman he had come to see as a comrade, a hero, and most of all, his best friend, and turned his gaze to see the smirk on the major's face. He was consoled by the blush spreading across Shepard's face and the small, conciliatory smile she offered him that she didn't hold any grudges over that incident.

Ok, he thought to himself, the war may be over but this is battle, and turnabout is fair play.

"I don't see you making an honest woman out of her, Major," he snarked back to Kaidan, "when is that going to happen?"

Kaidan nodded, not at all surprised by the remark, and turned to the woman on the bed. "Yeah, Shepard, when _is_ that gonna happen?" he asked her.

Garrus decided it was a good thing that Shepard was already lying down.


	17. Proposal

_A/N – this chapter, folks, is once again deserving the M rating and is NSFW. I should also note it is inspired by Kaidan's shipboard banter about Shepard not waking him (which makes me squeal like a schoolgirl everytime I hear it), and although I usually get that banter before the poker scene and finishing up Rannoch, I decided for artistic sake that it happens after. Sue me. Those offended by sexual content, skip the italicized portion and assume that Kaidan and Shepard enjoyed themselves and you won't miss any plot_

* * *

The silence that filled the room after Garrus and Tali suddenly decided they had pressing matters that needed their attention and left as hastily as they could manage without causing property damage was thick. Kaidan wasn't sure what reaction he had expected to his, admittedly clumsy, proposal but he was sure shock and sadness weren't on the list.

He squeezed the hand he still held in his and tried to get her to turn her face to his so he could get more clues on why, exactly, she was so upset. If it were just disappointment at his inelegant phrasing, he'd happily scramble to find the words to make her realize how much she meant to him. If it was something else, he'd need more input before he could begin to guess how to fix it. Either way, she wasn't cooperating, so he tried a gentle questioning "Shepard?" hoping to bring her back to him.

When she did turn to face him finally, his heart skipped a beat and squeezed to see the tears in her eyes, the sadness on her face. The protector in him roared its head, ready to defeat any enemy that had put that look on her face, even if it had been Kaidan himself. "Kat?" he choked, unsure now how to proceed in the wake of her sorrow.

"Why?" she asked him sadly, tears falling slowly down her face.

"Why would I want to marry you?" he clarified her question, thinking that it was the most ridiculous one he'd ever heard. Why wouldn't he?

"Yeah," she replied softly, "why would you want to marry me?" On a tired sigh, she continued, "I'm a soldier, a marine, I kill things, I sometimes save the galaxy. I've died once, almost twice. I may never walk again. I may never use my biotics again. The things that made me who I am – was – may not exist anymore. Your wife? How do I qualify for that?"

Kaidan inhaled with a hiss and realized, once again, that the strongest woman he knew, the woman who had indeed saved the galaxy (again) was, underneath it all, a woman. And he, as the man who loved her, could do no less than find a way to show her how incredible and special that woman – not just the soldier, but the woman – was through the mirror of his own words.

He squeezed her hand and leaned over to kiss her gently, his lips barely brushing her mouth then sat back and surprised her, he saw by the look in her eyes, when he asked softly, "Do you remember the night after Rannoch?"

She wasn't sure how that was an answer to her question, but she nodded, willing to humor him as she let the memory sweep over her.

_She had found him in the lounge, playing poker with Vega of all things, but she had been the one to tell him to distract himself. Her adrenaline was still riding high after the incredible fight. Going toe to toe with a Reaper was certainly one of the highlights of that autobiography Kaidan kept teasing her about, and she couldn't think of a better way to end the chapter than with a hot passionate night with her favorite marine. Vega didn't fit into that scenario in any way shape or form._

_They had teased her about the victory and she had taken the accolades proudly, knowing that the victory was not just hers, but theirs as well. Sharing it with them was the best way she could boost morale, and she set her desires aside for now and slid into the seat beside Kaidan, hooked her arm around his and leaned her head against his shoulder. The uncharacteristic public display prompted a raised brow from Vega, but she stuck her tongue out at him and he went back to dealing without comment. She knew everyone onboard was aware of their relationship but she didn't usually acknowledge it so openly. War or not, she was Alliance to the core and so was Kaidan. They did their best to at least maintain the appearance of propriety. Tonight, though, she didn't care. She felt – invincible – hopeful for the first time that they may actually win this thing._

_Vega took pity on them and wandered off after a few more hands, mumbling about getting some crunches in before rack time. She smiled after him, thinking he had become a good friend, then turned her attention back to the man beside her. She found the desire she had banked earlier rush back to her in spades and she grabbed Kaidan, mashing her lips to his with none of their usual finesse._

"_Hey," he said when they finally had to breathe, "what's this?"_

"_If you don't know by now, Major," she muttered, planting kisses along his jaw, moving to his sensitive ears, "you haven't been paying attention."_

_He chuckled softly and pulled her back for another deep kiss, their tongues met and warred in the eternal dance of lovers. "Should we take this somewhere more private?" he questioned her when he realized she already had her hands in his pants and was fisting him in a tight grip._

_Shepard groaned, bit out "Can't wait," as she shifted to try to position them more comfortably to continue her ministrations, she raised her voice and gave the orders, "EDI, lock the door, privacy mode engage," and somehow managed to not gasp as she felt Kaidan's mouth close over the nipple he had just bared before she heard the AI's reply of "Acknowledged."_

_Kaidan shifted, getting up from the seat and held out a hand to pull her up to him. She took it and found herself wrapped in his arms a moment later as they made their way to the bank of couches on the far side of the room, lips never separating._

_They took a moment to divest each other of remaining clothes before she pushed him back on the couch. He landed in a mostly sitting position and drew her down on his lap. His face was level with her breasts now, and his clever mouth took advantage, kissing and licking every inch, while she shifted, opening her legs around his hips, so that his hardness was where she needed it, flush against her moist heat. She rolled her hips against him, pleasing them both, and was rewarded with a deep moan from her lover and smiled that she could still illicit that reaction, even after all this time._

_Kaidan moved his hands from her hips, stroking her center to ensure she was ready for him, and, finding she was slick and wet, positioned himself to enter her. The frantic pace stilled in that moment, each of them giving the impact of the next move its proper weight. They stared into each other's eyes for a heartbeat before she sank down on him, taking him fully inside her and breathing out a slow deep breath of relief. Here, once again, they were one, they were whole, they were alive. His hands came up to capture her breasts as she began to dance above him. The frenetic pace slowed, of their own accord, they savored these precious moments when they were joined in the most intimate way two people could be._

_Of course the heat building in her stomach, traveling down to where they were joined didn't want slow, it gripped her, dominated her and she began to buck, driving herself down on him. He seemed to agree, moving his strong hands to her hips and assisting her motions, pulling her down hard with each downstroke, allowing her to nearly release him on each up. Shepard saw his eyes start to lose focus and drift shut, signaling how close he was, and moaned, giving in to the fire. She brought herself down hard, once, twice, then shuddered as the orgasm ripped through her, breathing out his name in testament to the pleasure she found in their love, hearing him groan as he joined her._

_They lay like that, sprawled on the leather couch, with her slumped over him, head buried in his neck, he stroking her back slowly, gently, until they could breathe normally again. She sat up enough to kiss him on the chin, then resumed her previous position. "That was…" she trailed off trying to find the right word to do it justice and chuckled when he added "hot" to finished her sentence. That'll do, she thought._

_They stood up a few minutes later and retrieved their clothes, dressing in companionable silence, then walked out of the room to the elevator, hand in hand. When they reached her suite, they undressed again and fell into bed, wrapped around each other._

She came out of her reverie to see that Kaidan had been replaying the scene in his head as well. She gave him a moment to focus on her, and then said, "I don't understand, what does that have to do with this?"

Kaidan sighed, thinking that perhaps he should have written out a speech beforehand, and once again cursed his inability to find the right thing to say at the right time. "It doesn't really," he admitted, "except that I had planned to ask you then. But we got – distracted – then we fell asleep and you left the next morning without waking me."

Shepard couldn't have looked more stunned if a wave of husks had suddenly appeared behind him. "You were gonna ask me to marry you that night?"

He nodded. "It seemed like a good time," he told her, "you were so happy, so filled with hope. We had just had a huge win. And I thought I couldn't let another moment go by without making sure you knew how much I loved you, how much I wanted to wake up beside you every morning for the rest of my life."

Her eyes filled with tears again, but this time, he noted, they weren't sad tears. "You still want to marry me?" she questioned him, stubbornly sticking to her original point, Shepard to the end, "that woman doesn't exist anymore."

"She's right in front of me," Kaidan replied softly. "It was never the soldier I wanted to marry, Kat. It's the woman. I don't care if you never hold a gun again, although I pity anyone who tries to tell you that you won't, I don't need that. I need the woman I watched grow and shape herself in face of overwhelming odds and tremendous victory and even staggering defeat over the past four years. I need _you_, Kat. Will you marry me?"

How could she deny him anything when he was looking at her like that? she thought to herself wryly and gave him the only reply she could, "Yes."


	18. Vega

_A/N – I wanted to take a moment to explore the relationship between my Shepard and Vega. Hopefully, I did a decent job of explaining how they came to be where they were at the beginning of ME3 and what he means to her. If you're not aware, the story of Anderson hand picking him to escort/guard Shepard is canon, it was published in the comic Mass Effect: Convictions_

* * *

She was bored. Restless. She wished that there was something she could kill, some mission to accomplish, she thought, sighing, staring out the window. She found it the height of irony that Commander (Captain, she corrected herself with an inward wince) Shepard could save the galaxy – twice – but be defeated by such a simple thing as boredom. She shifted restlessly on the hard hospital bed, wincing again as she was reminded of the myriad of injuries that were now making themselves known and closed her eyes. Maybe she could sleep for a few hours until Kaidan was done with his updates and reports. She sighed again. God she was bored.

Lt. James Vega entered the room and saw her shifting restlessly a few minutes later, frown lines between her eyes, and decided he had picked a good time for a visit. She looked like she needed some company. He entered the room and approached her bed greeting her with a cheerful, "Hey, Lola, you look like you could use something to hit."

She chuckled and he was pleased to see the warmth and welcome come over her face and he planted himself in the chair next to her bed.

"I don't think I'm up for a dance today, James," she drawled out, in their typical banter, "not even pull-ups for that matter."

He remembered now her doggedly refusing quit on that pullup bar until she had broken his "record" and decided he would never tell her that he had deliberately doubled his number thinking she would never top it. That she had served as another reminder of why no one should ever underestimate this woman.

"Oh yeah?" he replied, smirking, "I'm up to 185 now." A deliberate challenge presented with a raised eyebrow.

"Give me another month," she sallied back, and he believed her. "Although, don't tell Kaidan please? He had to drag me out of the hot tub after the last time."

Vega laughed as a comical image of the major, soaking wet and supporting a too-sore-to-move Shepard flashed through his head, then he sobered and leaned forward, steepled his hands on his lap and spoke quietly to the woman he had come to respect above any soldier he had ever met before. "You did it, Shepard, you really did it."

"Looks that way," she replied softly turning her head to look out the window on the far side of the room. "How are things out there?" She inclined her chin towards the view then turned to face him, mask of command in place.

He gave her the honest truth, though he realized it might be hard for her to hear. "Rough, there's still a lot of work to do." That was only a small understatement but she knew him well enough to hear the whole truth. "But it wouldn't be there at all without you," he reminded her.

Shepard nodded once, accepting that statement as the fact it was, then sighed. "I wish we had been able to get here sooner."

James wondered if she ever gave herself the credit she was due, or the break to which she was often entitled, and was reminded, not for the first time, why he had promised himself to become the soldier she was. "No one could have done it better, or faster, Lola. Hell, you mobilized the largest fleet in history after ending not just one but two wars, and you did it all in a few months. I'd say that was plenty soon."

He saw the truth of the words sink in and she relaxed against her pillows and he was glad that she looked so much more like the Shepard he knew than the times he had seen her when she was in the coma. He'd never forget the sick feeling of fear that had gripped him when he realized that he may never again be able to tease and mock her, never again be inspired by the example she had forged for him. Men like him weren't used to helplessness – there was nothing he'd met so scary that he couldn't kill it – but seeing her like that had given him his first acquaintance with the emotion. He wasn't planning on continuing the association.

"So the major has been keeping us busy," he informed her, knowing she'd want to hear updates of the work being done, even if she wasn't up to joining just yet.

"Yeah?" she replied, the question encouraging him to continue.

"Yeah," he affirmed, musing, "he's really taken charge of the whole crew, has us all working on separate projects, things we'd each be good at. He's got a real knack for it. He's not you, of course," another smirk, "but I guess I never realized that he's a good leader. Tough but fair. Not soft, but he always knows when to push and when to back off." James was surprised, even as he heard his own words, to note that this was the first time he'd ever voiced the growing respect he'd found for Kaidan Alenko. He'd always seen the major as more of an accessory to Shepard, but the man had proved over the past month that he deserved every one of the promotions and accolades he'd received on his own merit.

Shepard smiled, appreciating the picture she'd just been painted of Kaidan through another soldier's eyes. She'd always known, of course, that Kaidan was a competent and confident leader, she'd just been too busy commanding him herself to give him the chance to show that side to others. And, she knew now, he had grown and changed in the time they'd been apart, the struggles they had endured, perhaps as a result of them. She made a mental note to tell him later how much she admired the man he had become.

"He's a good man," she told James with a smile. "He asked me to marry him."

James cocked an eyebrow although the news didn't surprise him. The major was a traditional man. "And what did you say Lola? Kick his ass?"

She chuckled softly, thinking he'd be stunned if he knew her actual reaction, and answered, "not quite, I said yes. Eventually."

James laughed at that, typical Shepard, and thought it was a story he'd likely never hear. All the better. Teasing aside, thoughts of his commanding officer in any type of emotional or, worse, sexual, situation were not ones he was willing to entertain.

"Well, congratulations, Lola." He saluted her jauntily.

"That's Mrs. Lola to you now, Lieutenant," was her immediate comeback.

He laughed then lowered his hand and stared down a moment, sobering. "Listen, Lola – Shepard," he corrected himself, "there's something I wanted to say to you. Something I should have said before."

She gazed at him, confused by his sudden sobriety and motioned for him to continue, "Alright, James, let's hear it."

"I wanted to say I'm sorry," he made the confession softly, staring at her face.

"Sorry?" a hint of surprise, even alarm tinged her voice now, "For what?"

"For ever doubting you," he replied. "When we were leaving Earth, I got in your face, questioned you. I shouldn't have done that."

He saw her gather herself visibly, straightening her shoulders, her posture resembling military correct as much as she could accomplish from a hospital bed and she barked out in a commanding and even somewhat angry tone, "Apology not accepted."

His heart sank to think that he may have permanently marred their friendship with those careless and impetuous words, thrown at her in anger, not at her really but at the futile situation, before her next words reassured him.

"I don't expect my officers to follow my orders blindly, James," she told him quietly. "That's not how I run my ship. And you had every right to question. Hell, you were just voicing the doubt we both felt. You don't have to apologize for that."

He gave a sigh of relief before he saw her eyes tighten and knew there was more she had to say.

"You're lucky that only Kaidan saw it." She informed him. "Questions are fine. Disrespect before a subordinate would not have been."

James grinned, accepting the truth of that. That was Shepard to a T. "Noted, ma'am," he snapped her another salute.

He saw her pause for a moment, seeming to come to a decision, then she stunned him with her next words. "I'm glad it was you, James."

"Huh?" he asked, genuinely confused.

"I'm glad you were the one assigned to be my guard, to escort me to Earth, to be there during those six months." She sighed, remembering, and gave mental thanks to Anderson for picking so well.

He had told her, about a month after they returned when she was going crazy in detention, the story of him dragging Vega out of a barfight on Omega . She had questioned her mentor then, wondering why Vega, of all marines. He hadn't given her an answer other than he thought they'd fit, but she saw now, in retrospect, how careful he had been with his choice. How typically insightful and protective he was of her.

Vega's unflappable cheer and teasing had saved her sanity during those months of inaction. That he refused to treat her as a prisoner, continued to show the respect and deference to the rank she no longer held had at first confused her, then pissed her off, then she had finally accepted it as just who he was. They had eventually formed a strong bond and by the time the Reapers had attacked Earth she had come to think of him as a cocky, somewhat annoying, but lovable younger brother. His time on the Normandy during the last months had shown her he was also a talented and fierce soldier, and she had added respect to the list of feelings she had for him. She didn't know if Anderson had been precognitive or just knew them both so well, but it was just another reason she would miss him so much. She sighed, knowing that the ache in her heart would be a long time in healing.

James' reply brought her back to the present. "It was an honor, ma'am," he told her softly.


	19. Inspection

_A/N I couldn't resist the image of Shepard, fearless as she may be, being intimidated by the thought of meeting Kaidan's mother. So, in true evil author fashion, I wrote it!_

* * *

She awoke slowly that evening from a fitful nap, the voice of her nightmare child, strangely inhuman, still echoing in her ears and his transparent image giving her a chill she felt to her bones. She turned her head and was startled to see not Kaidan in the chair to her right but a small quiet woman. Her visitor was engrossed in the datapad she held so Kat took a moment to observe undetected. She took in the diminutive figure, the straight posture, the black hair threaded with gray piled in a bun on the woman's head. She noted the jawline and cheekbones and hairline she'd recognize anywhere and after just a few quiet seconds, she identified her visitor. Kaidan's mother.

Kat had never considered herself a coward but she had to ask herself since her immediate reaction to seeing the mother of the man she loved sitting calmly at her bedside had been 'where are the Reapers when you need them?' if that made her one now. She glanced around the dark quiet room surreptitiously and realized she'd have no backup for this encounter, they were alone. When the eyes that met hers were a clear whiskey brown, Kat was not surprised, and her identity was confirmed.

She saw a gentle and somewhat familiar smile come over her visitor's face, then heard the woman's soft gentle voice say, "Well, there you are, awake finally." Mrs. Alenko shifted, placing the datapad on the bedside table and leaned closer to Kat. "I hope you don't mind that I asked Kaidan to give us some time alone," she continued in her quiet tones, "I thought we should meet."

Kat mused that Kaidan's future wellbeing depended heavily on the result of the next few minutes and tried to find something to say that wouldn't make her sound as out of her element as she felt. "Mrs. Alenko?" was what came out, despite the fact that it sounded inane even to her own ears.

The other woman didn't seem to notice, instead, she laughed softly and replied, "Got it in one, but please, dear, call me Marina. I think we have too much between us to stand on formality."

Kat nodded, repeating, "Marina," dutifully. "I'm Shep- er, Kat," she told the woman.

"Yes, I know," Marina nodded. "Savior of the galaxy, decorated war hero, and the woman my son is going to marry. It's really only the last that I came to meet today, although I will say thank you from myself and on behalf of all the people you have saved. You are a remarkable woman, Kat, we owe you a debt."

Kat found herself coloring at the earnest gratitude. She didn't take praise well, and hearing it from Kaidan's mother was too strange a situation for her to process. She squirmed a bit, trying to think of a reply and again, eloquence failed, "Uh…" was the only thing she could vocalize. Great, she thought, she's gonna think I'm a moron.

Instead, Marina smiled warmly, and nodded as if Kat had just recited epic poetry. "Just so," she said, almost to herself, "Kaidan would never have fallen for a prideful woman. But you, my dear, should probably accustom yourself to hearing those words. I expect you will have people lining up outside your door to tell you soon."

Marina sat back, comfortable in Kaidan's recliner and studied Kat for another moment. She's beautiful, she thought to herself, but she doesn't know it. Not modest – I'm sure if someone asked her, she'd happily list her weapon's qualifications and combat achievements with pride. But her looks, Marina mused, were not something she'd ever think to consider an asset. She also noted the strength of character in that face, the set of the shoulders. She wasn't unaware that she had made Kat uncomfortable, she regretted it, but she had wanted to assess the woman for herself, so she had brought the full weight of a mother's guilt to bear and chased Kaidan from the room earlier. She was impressed that Kat had not backed down from it, but rather still sat meeting her eyes, waiting for Marina's point.

This woman, Marina realized, was her son's equal in every sense and her heart lifted, happy that she could not only approve of her son's choice in mates but revel in it. She knew they'd likely never have a peaceful relationship, and she was glad for it. Peace was boring. No, these two would have passion and fierce love, and yes, they'd fight, but they'd always find their way together. It was the most any loving mother could ask from the woman her son would marry.

She took Kat's hand in her own and looked into her wide emerald eyes and smiled again. "I can see why he loves you so much," she told the woman who became the daughter of her heart in that moment.

Kat smiled and squeezed the other woman's hand back gratefully. "How could I not love him when he's so much like his mother?" she queried softly.

Kaidan found them sitting like that when he returned to the room ten minutes later, laughing together and sharing what he guessed to be, with some trepidation, stories of him from his childhood. He paused for a moment to give thanks that the two women he loved most were well on their way to a firm friendship and walked in to join them, grinning like a fool.


	20. Whole

_A/N – FYI, my Shepard is a Vanguard, and I think she and Kaidan bond over their biotics from the first moment they meet  
_

* * *

Kaidan had always liked and respected Karin Chakwas. He thought the doctor was not only brilliant in her field but also her no-nonsense nature and quiet compassion had always appealed to him on a deeper level. At this moment, however, he found himself wanting to throw the good doctor across the room with his flaring biotics. "It's too dangerous," he bit out, not for the first time in this discussion, and with more temper than he usually allowed displayed, at least publicly.

Chakwas looked at him calmly and repeated the information he'd already heard and processed, then rejected in a panic. "It's no more dangerous than any brain surgery. And I'll admit, Major, that brain surgery is still a risky business, but if we ever hope to restore the Captain's biotic functionality, we need to replace her implant now. She's made large strides in her recovery, and she's neurologically stable. The time to implant is now so that her nervous system has time to reintegrate before she's ready to begin physical therapy." She finished her report and stood her ground, unruffled, her clear blue gaze meeting his in silent standoff.

"Um, maybe you should ask the person whose brain is involved," came a dry laconic comment from the woman between them on the bed.

"Finally," Kaidan replied, "some sanity." He turned to Shepard, fully expecting her to back him up and end this standoff with the doctor.

"I want to do it," were her next words and Kaidan stared at her, mouth agape in shock. "When can we schedule it?" she asked Dr. Chakwas, receiving a "tomorrow morning" in reply. Shepard nodded once, in agreement and dismissed the doctor to make her preparations.

Kaidan sank to the recliner beside the bed, still in disbelief that she had agreed, head in his hands, and muttered, "Why? How could you even _think_ about this now?"

Kat felt a moment of pity that her decision was causing him more distress. By all accounts, he had been nearly out of his mind with worry while she lay peacefully in a coma and she hated to add to the stress, but she couldn't allow her feelings for him to change her mind. She was determined to make a full recovery, despite the doubts of the team of doctors, perhaps because of them. As she saw it, this was the first step, and a logical one. That was the command decision. Now, the woman in her needed to somehow reach the man she loved and make him see the importance of it.

She took a deep breath and steeled herself for what she knew would not be an easy conversation.

"Kaidan," she began, in a thoughtful but loving tone of voice, gentle with him out of respect to the reason for his disagreement – his infinite desire to keep her safe, to protect her – "when was the first time you used your biotics?"

Kaidan looked up, startled, surprised at her question, and took a moment to think back. "I think I was about five," he reflected, "and I was playing with some other children in a dirt pile near our house. We had these toy mechs, dirt movers, and we were pretending that we were construction crews, working on a large excavation. There was an older boy, 8 or 9, I think, and he was bigger than the rest of us. He decided he wanted all the toys to himself and started taking them from us. I didn't think, I just looked at him and knew I couldn't get my toy back, he was too big, then the next minute, it was in my hands. I had pulled it out of his hands from three meters away." He shook his head, chuckling, "I don't know who was more surprised – me or him."

Kat laughed softly, thinking of the boy he must have been then, before tough lessons had taught him reserve and control. She loved him with all her heart but she thought she'd love him more to see him as unreserved and open as he must have been on that day. Still, she reflected, there were moments that he dropped that reserve with her, and they were all the more precious for their rarity, so perhaps she wouldn't change a thing about him.

She smiled at her fiancé – that was gonna take even more adjustment than Captain – and nodded. "For me, it was after my father died. I was 8. And a terror." She was sure her mother would call that an understatement. "I had so much anger. I had never seen death, not up close anyway. My parents did their best to shield me, even telling me that people under their command who had died were 'transferred' so I didn't have to know. I don't blame them, I'd likely have done the same thing in their shoes. But when my father died, I had no frame of reference, no filter, no idea how to deal."

He pulled her hand into his, placing his other arm on her shoulder in quiet support and comfort for the child she had been and sat for a moment as she gathered herself to continue her story.

"I was in the cargo hold, alone, sitting there, feeling the bitterness, the anger in the pit of my stomach, not knowing how to release it." Even as she retold it, all these years later, the bitterness still colored her tone. "Maybe if I had been able to cry, I would have been ok, but I couldn't. I was lost and alone and so angry and I pushed my hands away from myself like I was trying to release the feelings, somehow, someway. The crates across the bay almost imploded with the force of my push, then traveled all the way to the back wall and smashed into it with a huge crashing sound. I sat back down, shocked, and then, finally, rolled over and sobbed. My mom found me there later, curled up, sound asleep. She didn't even ground me for the damage to the bay," she finished with a chuckle.

"Ok. Good." He replied, thinking how much he'd have liked to hold that child, to comfort her. Still, he mused, he got to hold the woman she'd become and that was enough.

"My point, Kaidan, is that to us, biotics are like breathing." Kat said quietly. "They've become a part of us, of who we are. Losing mine would be like losing a limb. That's why I need to do this. I need to be whole again. Please let me do this?" Her eyes begged him for understanding.

Kaidan sighed, knowing that he could deny her nothing when she looked at him like that, and, perhaps more importantly, followed her reasoning and understood her point. "Ok," he said with a nod, hoping that he wouldn't come to regret this, "let's do it."


	21. Daughter

_A/N - It took me til the last playthrough (my fourth) for me to fully define my feelings towards Samara. Oh, I loved her from moment one, but I couldn't figure out how to classify her in the family that Shepard builds. It struck me on my last time that she had become a mentor, a role model, someone Shepard holds in the highest regard, so why not a mother figure? *shrug* I'm running with it._

* * *

They took her into surgery at 0600 the next morning, and Chakwas had warned Kaidan that it was likely to be a lengthy procedure. Chances of scar tissue at the implant site would complicate matters and make the surgery not necessarily more dangerous, but longer. Kaidan knew he couldn't spend the hours sitting in her room, staring at an empty bed, but he was too distracted to work, so he walked past his office to the glassed in waiting area, thinking he may find some solitude there. He had deliberately given the crew assignments that would keep them out of the hospital during the hours of the surgery, knowing that they'd suffer less with something to distract them. He wished he had that luxury.

He was so deep in thought he almost didn't see the asari justicar sitting in front of the east window in a lotus position. She appeared to be meditating, her open palms rested on her knees and a ball of energy floated between them. He turned to go, not wanting to disturb her, but she surprised him by saying, in her calm and quiet tone, "Major Alenko."

He moved further into the room, and she dispersed the glowing white ball and stood, looking out the window. He joined her there.

"You are worried." She stated simply. It wasn't a question, really, but an observation made with her typical quiet candor. He supposed if you lived nearly a thousand years you didn't find much need to question, at least not the emotions or motivations of the people around you. Still, he responded as if it had been, feeling he owed her the respect of a reply.

"Yes." He said simply.

She nodded, and looked at him then, and he felt the quiet serenity of her astonishing face flow over him. She had a way, he had noticed before, of making you feel at peace. She was always so still and calm, it was like she centered you, brought you into that quiet with her. It was one of the reasons he had always felt drawn to her. She achieved the reserve and control for which he had fought so hard seemingly without effort. He envied it.

Her gaze seemed far away now, looking at him, but not really seeing him. Although she maintained the aura of peaceful calm, he thought he detected a few cracks in the façade. He wondered if she, too, had been drawn to this quiet place to try to stave off worry.

She refocused and seeing him standing there, patiently studying her, seemed to realize she had been ignoring him. "I apologize, Major, my thoughts were in the past. You were at the monastery that day, correct? With Falere, and Rila." He heard the sadness in her voice when she spoke her daughter's names.

"Yes," he replied, patiently waiting for her to continue.

"Watching a person I held so dear die is the most painful thing I have experienced in this life. Not even my Code, comfort to me as it has been, could protect me from that agony." She smiled then, serenely, in reassurance, he thought. Her next words confirmed it. "That will not be today's outcome. I do not need the Code to tell me that. I know Shepard will win this fight, just as she has every other one she has undertaken. Tell me, Major, did she ever tell you about me? About our time on the Normandy before you were reunited?"

Kaidan shook his head. There hadn't been time, nor, did he think, even if there had been time, would Shepard reveal this woman's secrets. He knew the respect she had for the asari justicar. They had spoken of her, briefly, a few times. He had questioned her after returning to the Normandy about how she had learned Reave. That had surprised him; he himself had spent years developing the technique so to see her pop out from behind those crates on the Mars mission and throw it at the Cerberus agents below them had nearly made him drop his rifle. She had told him that she had trained and meditated with an asari justicar during her Cerberus days, and he remembered wishing he'd had that luxury himself. Then, after the Lessus mission, they had spoken briefly while cuddled in bed, mostly of Shepard's relief that Samara had seen reason and been spared. He thought, at the time, that the loss of another dear friend might prove to be a breaking point for her, and had been grateful, for his own reasons, that Samara still lived.

Samara continued after seeing his negative reply. "The day that Rila died was not the first time I had to watch a child of mine die. The first time, Shepard helped me kill Morinth, my eldest daughter."

Kaidan stared at her, shocked, sure that he couldn't have heard her correctly.

Samara nodded, acknowledging his shock. "It is true. Morinth was Ardat-Yakshi, like her sisters, but she had been unable or unwilling to resist the urges. She killed without qualm and in the most cruel ways possible for over four hundred years until Shepard helped me stop her. I have only one regret about that day, Major. I wish I had told Shepard that the pain of losing my child was tempered, just enough to matter, by the joy of finding a new daughter. When she wakes up today, I will make sure I correct that oversight."

Kaidan was touched at the thought that this quiet and reserved woman shared the depth of her bond with Shepard, solely in the interest of giving him comfort. "I know she will be honored, ma'am," he told her.

They passed the remaining hours of Shepard's surgery there together, until the doctors came to inform them that all was well.


	22. Marriage

_A/N – for those of you who don't play the spacer background, you may not realize how little Bioware gives us fanfic writers to work with regarding Shepard's parents and their character. I decided I needed to do a bit of extrapolation working from the end result – my Katriona Shepard as I see her – and work backwards to flesh out who the people who had made her were and what her background would have been. Therefore, very little of the chapters dealing with Hannah are canon, per se, but rather the products of my fertile imagination. I hope they don't conflict too much with your perceptions._

_I'd like to give a special thank you to jena, my first reviewer. You, too, made my day, thank you so much! This new chapter is dedicated especially to you_

* * *

She came out of the anesthesia to see her mother sitting beside her, holding her hand and looking at her calmly. She decided that the fact that she was seeing her mother and that she didn't look overly worried were good signs that her surgery had gone well.

Hannah smiled at her daughter when she opened her eyes and breathed a silent sigh of relief. The doctors had told her all was well, but seeing the proof before her was much better than their reports. She reached out and stroked Kat's hair back from her forehead, grateful that she had managed to carve out some time so she could be here when she woke. Kaidan would return from his dinner break soon and she would have to return to the _Kilimanjaro_.

"Mom," Kat said then cleared her throat when she heard how husky it was, "did it work?"

Hannah nodded, "Everything is fine, they said, and by the time you're ready to test them, your biotics should be fully functional again. No crates this time," she said pointing a finger at her daughter, remembering the destruction in her cargo hold all those years ago.

Kat laughed quietly. "I told Kaidan that story only yesterday," she said to her mother. "I also told him you didn't ground me."

Hannah chuckled. "You were lucky I didn't, but the sight of you curled up, so small, tears drying on your cheeks got to me. I couldn't bear to punish you."

"Thanks, Mom," Kat said. They sat in companionable quiet for a moment, each lost to their own thoughts before Kat spoke again. "Mom?" she opened on a questioning note.

"Kat? What's wrong?" Hannah replied, alarm filling her tone. Perhaps something had gone wrong, or there were complications.

"How did you do it?" Kat asked her mother. "I mean, being married to Dad. How did it work?"

Hannah relaxed, seeing that the emergency at hand wasn't medical in nature and took a moment to frame her answer. "It was difficult, I won't lie. When we met, we were both on shore leave, so it was outside the military setting. That helped. We spent a week together and your father, well, he swept me off my feet. By the time it was over and we had to return to our postings, the thought that he was a superior officer didn't really matter to me. We weren't posted together anyway, so fraternization regs weren't in question."

Kat winced, she knew her mother didn't mean it as a criticism, just a statement of fact, but the Alliance in her still gave her a few twinges of guilt over breaking regs as blatantly as she and Kaidan had. It had been a first for both of them, and although the tables had been turned in this most recent stint on the Normandy – with him technically the superior officer - she wasn't exactly a subordinate to him. Still, in strict terms, their entire relationship, save for her time with Cerberus, was against fraternization regs. And what little they had of relationship while she was working with Cerberus was against different regs. Nothing between them had been easy either.

Hannah continued her story, "We didn't see each other for nearly six months after that first shore leave. At least, not in person. We wrote, frequently, and once or twice managed a holo conference. By the time we made plans to be together in the same place at the same time again, I knew I loved your father. Michael, well, he might have taken a bit more convincing," Hannah had a smile on her face now that Kat was sure she knew the cause of, and didn't want to think about, and she nodded as her mother continued. "By the end of that leave – we had two weeks that time – he asked me to marry him. I don't think I let him finish the entire question before I jumped in his arms and said yes."

Kat grinned at the picture of her parents so young and in love. It was something she had almost never had a chance to witness herself since she had spent her childhood being shuffled between their individual postings with only two weeks a year spent together as a family. "Was it worth it? Did you ever regret it?" she asked.

Hannah looked startled at the question then sighed and gave her daughter the truth she deserved. "I did." She saw surprise flicker on Kat's face and clarified, "for about six months after your father died I wished everyday that I had retired and had just been his wife and your mother. But, Kat, the truth is, we wouldn't have seen each other anymore than we did as things played out. I would have been settled somewhere planetside with you, waiting for your dad whenever he could steal time away from his ship. And I would have been miserable. So, eventually, I came to terms with it and life moved on. But was it worth it? Oh yes, every moment I had with him was the best of my life. And he gave me you, honey. That alone was worth it."

Kat saw the tears streaming down her mother's cheeks and gripped her hand, offering what little comfort she could. "Kaidan asked me to marry him," she told her. "I said yes."

"Oh honey," Hannah breathed, "that's wonderful! He's such a _good_ man. And you will make it work. I know there are a lot of questions and decisions ahead of you, but I also know how much he loves you. I saw it every day we sat here, watching, waiting. And I don't doubt you love him just as much. The soldier I raised would never break regs for just any man."

Kat laughed, thinking that her mother had just managed to criticize in the nicest way possible. Admiral first, mother second, she thought, shaking her head.

"Yeah, Mom, we will make it work. We deserve it," she replied, feeling much more at peace with the thought. She'd have to let her _fiancé_ - ok it **was** getting easier - know that they had her mom's blessing as soon as he got back.


	23. Forgiveness

_A/N – I decided that Joker needed more love, and that there were things I needed to say to him so I blatantly hijacked Shepard to do it. *grin* maybe I can finally stop feeling guilty._

_I am a huge Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan and this chapter is inspired by a quote from that show. Those who know the show will understand the correlation better, but I think the quote stands on its own regardless:_

_"To forgive is an act of compassion, Buffy. It's, it's not done because people deserve it. It's done because they need it." - Giles (I don't own this quote any more than I own the Mass Effect world and characters I so blatantly abuse in this fiction, and I thank Joss Whedon for it just as I thank Bioware for ME)  
_

_I have also, you will note, broken my own rules a bit in this chapter by reiterating a part of the game as it was presented. I couldn't see another way to show the process Kat is enduring without it, but it won't be a common occurrence._

_This is the last of my content for tonight, although I have the next few chapters planned and I'll post them as soon as I'm able. Warning, there is angst ahead for Shenko, but nothing they can't weather!_

_jena – I love you, my dear, and I hope I don't ruin your night by stopping for now, but sleep calls!_

* * *

Joker figured he was taking his life into his own hands, waking her up. He'd known Shepard for a long time now, and he had seen her on enough mornings, to know that her mood usually varied between cranky (on the good days) to downright bitchy (the really bad days.) He wasn't sure which kind of day this one would be, but since it wouldn't take more than a casual swipe of her arm, especially the one still encased in a cast, to break him in two, it was risky. Still, he knew that they needed to talk. His conversation with Kaidan the week before had helped, but he knew the only person that could truly give him peace was currently sleeping in the bed next to where he stood. He noticed, before he reached out to touch her shoulder to shake her gently, that she didn't seem to be sleeping peacefully and winced, hoping that wasn't a bad sign.

Shepard was dreaming. She had always had vivid dreams, even as a child, but in the past four years her dreams had gone from vivid to high definition Technicolor and although on the few times her dreams had starred Kaidan, she had reveled in the realism, most of the time it just plain sucked. It seemed like since her brain had been scrambled and filled with visions from the Prothean beacon, dream was synonymous with nightmare. This was one of the worst.

_She saw the gruesome bodies piled in the corners, smelled them too. She felt the pain of her injuries, taking her breath away, making it hard for her to move. She heard Anderson's voice over the com and wondered now, as she had in that moment, how it was still working when it appeared that all her other tech had failed. She knew the shield gen in her hardsuit was gone, hell, most of the hardsuit was gone, and the medigel delivery system had failed when she tried it. She stumbled, then righted herself, moving toward the exit at the end of the passage, updating Anderson on her slow painful progress. _

_The dream shifted, she saw the Illusive Man now, sneering at her in the flesh, finally, and she saw the pistol in her hand. She watched in paralyzed horror as she brought her arm up and shot Anderson, helpless to resist the compulsion the asshole had pressed on her. She watched in satisfaction as the words she and Anderson flung at TIM finally penetrated and he brought the pistol to his own temple and pulled the trigger. _

_She cried slow tears reliving Anderson's death._

_Then she saw the child, again, speaking in echoes, words she couldn't quite hear in the dream, she wanted to ask him to repeat himself, to make her understand, but she was shaking and…_

She came awake with a gasp, startled to see Joker's face leaning over hers, calling her name. She took a deep shaky breath and tried to let go of the vestiges of the nightmare. Her consciousness shied away from allowing the thought that it had been a memory not a nightmare to surface. She cleared her throat and tried a smile, realizing it was likely to be an incredibly weak attempt. "Hey, Joker," she greeted her pilot and friend.

"You ok, Commander?" Joker said, alarmed to see her so pale and trembling. She looked weak and shaky, and he had second and third guesses about the wisdom of visiting her today. He watched her gather herself, take a deep breath and the smile she offered him now looked much more like the Shepard he knew. He sat gingerly in the chair behind him, remembering its discomfort from his previous visit.

Trust Joker to still call her 'Commander' she thought with affection. She doubted he'd change his form of address if she made it to the rank of Admiral – perish the thought - and she loved him for it. Joker had been one of the few constants in her life over the past four years and as much as she had thought him a pain in the ass at times, she also knew he was one of the best friends she had in the world. Loyalty, she thought, was an attribute that many aspired to, but few achieved on the level this man had. She'd be grateful for the rest of her days that she was lucky enough to inspire it in him.

"I'm good, Joker, thanks," she replied to his inquiry, shaking off the remnants of her dream. "How are you? Haven't seen you here much."

Joker nodded, "Been busy," he replied, "there's tons of use for a good pilot these days so I've spent the last month pretty much in the cockpit."

She nodded. That made sense.

"Plus," Joker continued, and he seemed to hesitate a bit, which wasn't like him, Shepard thought, "I've been putting this off."

She was surprised. Joker had never been one to back down, even when he should, nor did he seem the type to be put off by what she was sure had been the gruesome sight of her laying in a coma. "Ok. Why?" she questioned him, confused.

"Well, at first I was so angry," he mused, "then I felt guilty for being angry, even after Kaidan helped me see I was being an ass, and then I guess I was just – putting it off."

There were so many parts of that explanation that she didn't follow that she wasn't sure where to start so she grabbed on to the one thing that stood out most prominently to her. "Kaidan helped you see you were being an ass?" She repeated, as a question this time.

"Yeah, we had a – well, I guess you'd call it a confrontation – when I came in here, all angry about you killing EDI…" he trailed off, alarmed, to see her pale again, she went sheet white, and looked shocked and shaky again. He wondered if he should call for a doctor or Kaidan then he saw her color return, this time in red flags of anger. Oh boy, this wasn't going well…

"I **killed** EDI?" she hissed out in shock and disbelief, "What the **fuck** are you talking about?"

Joker realized that perhaps he should have made sure she knew the aftereffects of the energy wave that had destroyed the Reapers before he came in here to talk to her about it. Too late now, he shrugged and hastened to inform her, "It wasn't on purpose – at least I don't think – was it? Anyway, when you fired the Crucible, it emitted this strange red energy wave. It was massive, traveled galaxy-wide from what I hear, so sick job there, but afterwards, EDI just – stopped. And then when we got back to the Fleet, they told us that the same thing happened to the Geth, and other AIs. So we knew it had something to do with the Crucible." He finished his explanation with a flourish of his hands and realized she wasn't looking well again.

Shepard was not digesting the news well. She knew the last moments on the Citadel were still locked in her memory and she hadn't managed to access them yet. She was having a hard time reconciling herself to the fact that she may have consciously made a decision that wiped out an entire race of people that she had declared sentient just a few months prior, and a person – because yes, that was how she'd seen EDI – that she had considered a good friend. She wondered if the wave of guilt that washed over her now would ever recede or if it would remain there, haunting and lurking, like her decision to leave Ash behind on Virmire still did. She figured this would be worse.

"God, Joker," she croaked out, "I didn't know. I'm so sorry. My memories, I'm not sure…" she trailed off, at a complete loss of what to say to this man – her friend.

"Shit, Shepard," Joker sat forward, "I thought you remembered or that they would have told you. I didn't realize. Look, I'm sorry, I made a mistake coming here." He started to get up to leave.

"No, wait," Kat said, motioning with her good arm for him to sit again. She waited until he complied then she continued, "I don't know what to say. I just know that I wouldn't have done it if there had been any other choice. When you came in, I was dreaming, remembering, I think, but I woke up before the end… I can't ever seem to finish it. But, Jeff, I loved her too. I'm so sorry."

Joker realized that he had forgiven her some time ago, moments after Kaidan had opened his eyes to the fact that his anger at her had been not only selfish but entirely misplaced. But he, thought, she needed to say it, and she needed to have him give her absolution. "I forgive you," he replied softly, reaching out to touch her shoulder again.

She smiled at him, there was still pain there, he could see, but, he hoped, they'd be ok after this. It was enough for now.


	24. Conflict

_A/N – I am fully prepared to duck rotten fruit after this chapter, but take heart, loyal readers. This chapter is brutal – it was very, very hard to write – but I refuse to leave things like this, so I will be uploading all four chapters in this angsty arc tonight. Please forgive me, Shenko fans, I promise this won't last!_

_Before I leave you to it, a quick thank you to everyone reading and reviewing – I am so glad to see/hear that my story has kept you interested and entertained. It gives me the fuel I need to continue this journey of healing until our ME has said what they have needed to say and will finally leave me in happy peace~_

* * *

He thought she was sleeping. When Kaidan entered Shepard's room a few moments after Joker left, he took a moment to pause and survey her, as was his custom. She was lying silent and still, face turned away from the door, and he initially took the lack of motion to indicate sleep. Then he noticed the subtle signs – the set of her shoulders, the tightness of her jaw, the slight hitch in her light breathing – that told him he was wrong. Not asleep. Kaidan took a deep breath and walked to his chair, ready to confront whatever new enemy had caused his love the stress her body posture was telegraphing so eloquently to the person that knew her best. He greeted her with his standard "hey there" as he sat down and was more than a little alarmed when she didn't acknowledge him. In fact, nothing in her manner indicated that she had even heard him.

He leaned forward to take her hand and tried again. "Hey, Shepard, what's up?"

He saw it in her eyes when she opened them and looked into his. She was pissed. The angry that smoldered in the deep green pools had him inhaling sharply in surprise. "What's wrong?" he questioned her.

"What's _wrong_?" she repeated in a low bitter tone, spitting his words back at him like she would lob a grenade in a fight. "How could you keep this from me? How could you fail to mention that the Savior of the Galaxy is also a person who committed brutal genocide and murdered her friend? What part of our plan to do things better this time around allowed you to abuse our relationship that way?"

Kaidan winced at the accusations, although he knew that in strict definition, everything she said was true. The problem was that her vitriol had reduced things to fact with no context to temper the harsh reality. He was a firm believer in context. He'd had to learn that truth in a very harsh lesson on Horizon two years ago. He sighed and tried to think of an explanation that wouldn't make the situation worse.

"I didn't abuse anything, Shepard," he told her, refusing to rise to her anger, deliberately keeping his voice calm and level, "I did what I did to protect you. I love you. That gives me the right to want to protect you, doesn't it?"

"At least you're not denying it, not lying about it," she bit out in a growl. "But did you forget who I am? Kaidan, I don't need you or anyone else to protect me!" She was breathing rapidly now, and her voice was beginning to rise in anger. She wasn't shouting – yet – but he was sure their argument could be heard by anyone passing outside the room.

"When you love someone, Shepard," he replied, still in a quiet tone, "you don't protect them because they need it. You do it because it's as instinctual as breathing. So sue me if my first thought upon you wakening wasn't 'gee, I should tell her about EDI and the geth' instead of 'thank every god I've prayed to for three weeks for giving her back to me.' Forgive me if the thought of losing you again, even on an emotional level, had me scrambling to shield you from the more painful aspects of your victory." On her flinch, he continued, still in a level tone, but beginning to feel some of her anger rising within him, "And most of all, forgive me for being so shortsighted that I see it as a victory, despite the cost. I know you, Shepard, I know you wouldn't have done things the way you had if you had even one other viable option."

She stared at him, still vibrating with anger, but there was surprise there now, as well. He wondered if her surprise was due to his speech or the fact that he was unwilling, for once, to back down from what he believed, even for this woman. He would maintain his belief that she had done what was necessary, even if she herself wasn't willing to see it.

She sighed, angry, stubborn. "You shouldn't have done it. You were wrong."

"I'd do it again, exactly the same way." He replied.

"What if you're wrong, Kaidan?" she flung the words at him in accusation. "What if I did have choices and that was the one I picked anyway? You still love me then?"

He looked at her, sharply, trying to read her face, trying to figure out where she was going. Other choices? What did she mean? He wasn't sure and he knew she was in no mood to enlighten him. Still, her question deserved an answer. He gave her the only one he could, "Yes. When you love someone, you believe in them, and you respect their choices and decisions, even when you don't agree with them." This, he felt, was the heart of the matter. Perhaps she didn't agree with his decision to keep the harsher facts from her, but he had done it out of love, and she damn well would respect his reasons.

Shepard seemed to have understood the double meaning behind his last words, if her weary, resigned sigh was any indication. Still, she wouldn't be Shepard if she surrendered peacefully so he wasn't surprised when she came back on the attack. "Like you did for me after Virmire? Or on Horizon?"

That, he thought, wincing, was a direct hit. Trust Shepard to know how to wound him deepest.

"I can't say I've always done or said the right thing, Shepard," he told her quietly, in a pained tone. "But I can say that I've learned from my mistakes and I refuse to keep repeating them."

"Strange," she flung back, but in a lower tone now, more depressed and resigned than angry, "you're still here."

Kaidan figured there was only one response he could give to that. He stood up and quietly left her room.


	25. Math

_A/N – if you don't hate me and you're still reading, a quick clarification for this chapter. I realize only the vanilla game tells you that Shepard will die or likely die with the destroy ending, but I decided to keep it that way, for the sake of drama. More to come, I promise with less unhappy Shenko~_

* * *

Garrus watched the man walking down the hall and figured the term 'walking wounded' couldn't have a more apt illustration than Kaidan Alenko in that moment. He hadn't heard the entire argument, he had arrived just shortly before Kaidan walked out, but he had heard enough to know that there was trouble in paradise. He figured 'fix this' fell solidly in the top ten of his duties as Shepard's best friend, and so he squared his shoulders and walked in her room preparing to do his duty.

He seriously reconsidered his plans – just for a panicked heartbeat – a moment later when he saw his best friend, Savior of the Galaxy, fearless combatant, hero to everyone she knew, crying quietly in her hospital bed. She looked, to his eyes, more like a child than a soldier, and she seemed _broken_. If he didn't like and respect Kaidan as much as he did, didn't consider himself 'Team Alenko' as far back as the original Normandy, he'd happily grab his Widow and put a bullet between the man's eyes for leaving her like this. Instead, he mustered as much courage as he could find and walked to Shepard's bedside and sat. Thank the Spirits turian females didn't cry. Although, quarian ones did so he was seriously screwed no matter what, he reflected.

He knew she was aware of his presence, but she kept her head turned, staring out the window. He also knew she wasn't seeing anything of the view, rather, her thoughts were turned inward, likely replaying the fight with Kaidan. He waited a moment to give her a chance to gather herself, then he broke the silence.

"Hey, Shepard," he opened, pitching his voice low, "do you want to tell me what that was about?"

She sighed and turned her tear-streaked face to him and he inhaled sharply when he saw the pain in her eyes. It wasn't too late for Plan Widow…

"That was me lashing out at the person who loves me best. I'm an ass, Garrus," she spoke quietly, bitterness and self-deprecation colored her voice.

He wondered where he would find the courage to tell her that even Commander Shepard was an ass some days, but then he figured insult to injury wasn't the best idea here.

"Wanna talk about it?" he asked her with a cringe. He wasn't sure he wanted to hear the romantic woes of his best friend, but, he supposed, it came with the territory.

"I found out earlier today about the geth," she began, her voice breaking, "and EDI…" She trailed off and turned her head away again.

Garrus nodded to himself. A part of him had suspected that had been the cause of their argument. He, personally, had supported Kaidan's decision to keep the truth from her as long as possible. He wondered how she'd feel if he told her that. He never lacked for courage, in fact, sometimes he had more courage than brains, he thought, but he plunged ahead anyway.

"Yeah, we figured that might be too much for you to handle right away."

She whipped her face back to him and stared him down, green eyes pinned on him, "You, too? Why? How could you keep this from me?"

He took a moment to be glad he would live through this encounter – he was almost sure – since he was certain that no one else who had stared down that look had lived to describe it. Spirits, the woman was truly intimidating, even from her hospital bed.

"We were trying to do what was best for you, Shepard," he was fairly sure Kaidan had tried to make that point too, and had obviously failed. He wondered if she knew how many people held her in love and gratitude and realized it was unlikely.

Shepard sighed, resigned, "So I've been told." She visibly relaxed and continued, in a softer tone, "I guess I'm used to being the one protecting, not needing to be protected."

Garrus nodded. It made sense that she would have no experience with the flip side of that coin. For four years, she had placed her ass on the line for family, friends, galaxy, even her enemies at times, and he doubted a single one had thought of the cost to her. Present company and Kaidan excluded of course.

"We weren't trying to hurt you, Shepard, and we would have told you soon. We just didn't think you were ready." Garrus informed her.

"Yeah, I get that," she admitted quietly. "I'm not sure I was ready for it now, based on my reaction." She gave a self-deprecating laugh. She was quiet and still for a moment, thinking, then she continued. "Do you remember telling me about the ruthless calculus of war?"

Garrus remembered the conversation well, it had been a brutal and painful one. "Yeah," he replied.

"What do you do if the math doesn't add up for you?" she asked him quietly. "How do you deal with that?"

His first inclination was to deflect her with humor, but when he studied her face, he realized there was something she was holding back, something she needed to get out. Humor wouldn't give her the courage to face it.

"I dunno, Shepard," he told her quietly, "in the end, you do the only thing you can. You survive, you move on."

She took a deep breath and told him what she had remembered during her conversation with Joker, what had plagued her through her fight with Kaidan, the memory that her mind had locked away, protecting herself just as much as the people she had lashed out for doing much the same. "I had other choices. I deliberately made the one that killed EDI."

His first reaction was shock, since what she said contradicted everything he knew about Shepard, then he realized that she had given him no context. "What were the other choices?" he inquired.

"Well, I could complete the Illusive Man's master plan and control the Reapers as some type of god-like consciousness or I could meld all organics and synthetics into one new super race. I couldn't see how either option would work, even if I believed they were true. I took the third option, destroying the Reapers, knowing that it would kill all synthetic life, and…" her voice broke here, but she took a breath and continued, "…me. I was supposed to _die_, Garrus. Why am I still here?"

For a moment, he cursed the Spirits for having placed her, once again, in a position no person should ever be. Asking her to play god with the destiny of all life at her hands was too big an ask, even for Commander Shepard. That she had made the wrong decision never occurred to him. He knew he wasn't a great thinker, but even to his simple understanding, destruction was the only real choice. It was the end that she had spent four years taking every breath, every heartbeat, every fight to achieve. To turn back from that, for some grandiose alternate plan that may not even be real - as she had mentioned - at the last moment would be the last thing Shepard would do. Still, if there was anything he had learned, painfully, over the years, there were consequences to every decision, even the right ones. And those consequences were resting heavily on her shoulders now.

"I don't know, Shepard," he told her, "but I know a hell of a lot of people that are glad that you are. Don't you think it's time to add your name to that list?" She looked up, surprised. "We don't need a martyr. We need our friend, our leader, our hero." He told her softly.

He could see her processing his words, saw when she accepted them. She laid back, closed her eyes, and sighed. "I guess I should talk to Kaidan," she said quietly.

"I'd say that's the best choice you've made today," he agreed. He got up and walked out, leaving her to rest in peace. Duty fulfilled. Now where was that bar…


	26. Scars

_A/N – third of four chapters I'm posting tonight. This one, folks, made me cry when writing it, so tissue warning ahead, especially if you're a huge fan of Thane, as I am. You've been warned!_

* * *

When Kaidan walked out of Shepard's room, he was pretty sure a part of him had died. He had sincerely thought that they had left the recriminations and accusations of the past behind them and had moved on and learned to treat each other better. Clearly, he had been a fool. Still, he wished she could understand that his decision to keep the more painful facts from her – temporarily – hadn't been made out of malice, but love. He wished she would let him love her the way she deserved. The one thing he knew was that he wasn't going to let this fester, let it lie. He considered his leaving just now nothing more than a tactical retreat. He would give her some time to calm down, to think, and he would try again later. And if that didn't work, he'd keep trying if he had to beat sense into her thick head with her own shotgun. He paused outside the door to his office to reflect that perhaps, he too should calm down a bit. Contemplating bodily harm to the woman he had protected out of love seemed counterproductive to his goal.

He shook his head, deciding to put the argument behind him and get some work done, he entered his office, to see Liara sitting at his desk, watching him.

"Liara," he said, "I was just going to…"

Liara looked at him, sympathy clear in her gaze, and he realized that someone had obviously contacted her when they heard the fireworks explode in the room down the hall. He sighed, a bit weary, thinking that he was neither going to be able to put the argument behind him nor was he going to get any work done, and faced his friend in resignation.

"Kaidan," she opened, speaking softly, searching his face, "Garrus told me you might need to talk."

Ah, so it was Vakarian he had to thank. Although the way he felt right now, he wasn't sure gratitude was the primary emotion. Still, the asari had been nothing but a good friend to him over the years and they had grown even closer in those days between diversion and return to Earth, both commiserating over their potential loss while refusing to leave hope behind. He owed her a chance. Maybe she could help him get his head back in order so that he could somehow face Shepard, Round Two.

"Liara," he said on a sigh, "I hurt her. I didn't mean to, but she's hurt and pissed and I'm not sure how to fix it."

Liara reached out and placed a comforting hand on his arm, telegraphing her sympathy with the set of her body, even if he didn't read it plainly in her face. "You didn't hurt her, Kaidan. You did what you thought was best – we all did – and she will see that, eventually. I think, if I know her at all, she's more angry at herself right now than at you. Perhaps you're too close to her to see that?"

Her words struck a chord within Kaidan and he felt foolish for not seeing the heart of the matter. Shepard was acting true to form. He had just been too blind, and yes, even angry to see it. He sighed again, thinking that perhaps he should take the shotgun to himself instead. Better plan.

"You're right," he told Liara, "and I didn't see it."

She smiled a bit at him then, in a gentle voice, she added, "The one thing that hurt the most to watch during this horrific war even amongst all its atrocities was her reaction every time she had to say goodbye to a friend. She'd stand at the memorial wall, do her duty as captain and say a few words, then add their name to the list and dismiss us. That was for show. More than once, I'd see her standing there later, stoic and still, but with this look…" Liara let out a painful sigh at the memory, "… she looked like she had been punched, like thinking about the dead was a physical pain to her."

Kaidan knew that was an apt description. He had his own memories of Shepard at the memorial wall, immediately after he had rejoined the Normandy.

_He was settling in to Starboard Obs, unpacking the very few belongings he had brought with him - nothing more than a few changes of clothes and simple toiletries really, and the bottle of Peruvian whiskey he intended to open with Shepard if he could convince her to sit down and relax. Still, he tried his best to make the space his. He was glad to be back on the Normandy, glad to be fighting the important fight again, glad to be with her… This room was such an upgrade from his sleeping pod and small workstation aboard the original Normandy it was ridiculous. But the fact that she had designated it for him, wanted him to be comfortable, he thought was a good sign that things may be headed where he wanted them to go._

_He was lost in those thoughts still when he heard the announcement. A female voice; its electronic tones signified its nature as the shipboard VI, but strangely, did nothing to mask the sexy feminine smokiness of its sound; called out "all hands not on duty report to Deck 3 Elevator." He shook his head, wondering how many more surprises this new Normandy would have in store for him and rushed to comply with the order._

_When he opened the door and walked down the hall, he saw Shepard was already there, standing at parade rest, a piece of silver metal in her hands. He knew, with a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach, what this was. He had heard about the assassin, Thane Krios', death immediately following the failed coup, had even tried to question Shepard about it in decon after their talk in the airlock. _

_He had noted, even while talking to her about the aftermath of the crew and hoping she would accept his request to rejoin her crew, that she had been more emotional than usual. She was pale and if he looked closely, he could see tears dried on her cheeks and the slight redness in her eyes. In retrospect, perhaps he had waited until later to confront her, maybe messaged her and arranged to meet, but he didn't realize until he saw her and he had been committed at that point. When he tried to question her in decon, she had just shrugged him off._

_Now, he saw, she was going to memorialize another lost friend, and she was going to do it in typical Shepard fashion – with the strength of character her crew expected. He loved her more than he could ever say._

_The group had filled out now, as many as would be able to attend, and with a simple quiet grace that defined her every movement, he watched as she spoke about the sacrifice Thane had made. He cast his eyes down for a moment, lost in his own sorrow. He had liked and respected the drell, considered him a good man, and had spent many hours during his hospital visit in quiet talks with him. It had taken until the third talk to know that Thane had been part of her Cerberus crew – caution was a characteristic that Thane embodied – but once their common association was known, Shepard had often been part of their discussions. Neither man had shared anything personal, rather just war stories between two men that had served under Commander Shepard, but it had been a source of solace to him. He was grateful that he had known the man._

_When he glanced up again, he realized that the ceremony had finished while he was lost in his own thoughts, the crew had dispersed. Shepard still stood there, a solitary figure testifying to the grief of the moment. He knew she was deep in thought as well, but did not doubt for a second that she was aware of his presence. She reached out to trace Krios' name, now memorialized on the wall that held Jenkins and Pressly and Ash… his heart broke for her in that moment._

_She spoke quietly, almost inaudibly, but it startled him nonetheless. He hadn't expected it. He had intended to turn and walk away when she did._

"_I asked him to watch over you," she told him, "I knew I could trust him."_

_It was such a simple statement, he thought, just a repetition of fact. But he heard everything she said beneath it. "I was scared, couldn't protect you myself, couldn't watch you die. Thane was a good man, someone I let inside, trusted. I knew he would watch over you as well as I would if I could be there. I miss him." _

_He knew in that moment that his love for her had never abated, not even with her death, and he knew, perhaps more importantly, that her love for him was also still alive and well. This wasn't their time, though, that would come. He looked again at the newest name on the wall -Thane Krios, immortal now in their memories - and in a voice as soft as hers had been, he said, "Thank you." He was speaking to both of them._

Kaidan realized Liara was watching him closely, carefully, waiting for a response to her words. "Every death was a new wound, a new scar, to her," he agreed softly. He knew now what the argument earlier had said without actually saying it – the latest deaths were a scar Shepard was afraid would never fade, that she would bear, not with pride or acceptance like she did the rest, but with sorrow and shame. He wondered if he would be able to make her see, once again, that those scars didn't mar her to him, rather made her all the more beautiful. He would do his damndest to try.

He hugged Liara, thanking her without words for being his friend, and turned to walk back down the hall.


	27. Resolution

_A/N - finally we're back to the Shenko. I told you I'd fix it! I'm not married to the title of this chapter, I had planned it as simply the counterpoint to "Conflict" but now, don't think it fits. But, I wasn't going to torture any of you, making you wait, while I tried to think of a better one. If you have any suggestions, drop me a line~_

* * *

She seemed to be sleeping when he reached her room a moment later; her eyes were closed and she was breathing deeply. She opened as soon as she heard his quiet footfalls on the tile floor and watched him as he made his way to the recliner by her bed and seated himself. Only after the short journey was complete did she acknowledge his presence with a quiet, "Kaidan."

He judged, by the soft whisper that she had used, that he wasn't in danger of bodily harm anymore and counted it a victory, albeit small. He searched her face for clues for the span of a breath before he answered her, in equally soft tones, "Kat."

She smirked, for just an instant, before she cockily observed, "Now that introductions are out of the way, maybe we should talk?"

He chuckled a bit, appreciating her ability to deflect with humor, grateful that she was making an effort and answered, "Yeah, I think we should."

It was typical of them, and their relationship, that they both then fell silent, staring at each, neither sure where to begin. Then, nearly simultaneously, they both said, "I'm sorry."

They both laughed, amused at their characteristic synchronicity, both feeling the relief of both saying and hearing the apologies. Then, when he went to speak again, she grabbed his hand and curtailed him with a, "no, wait, let me go first." He nodded, and squeezed her hand, indicating she should continue.

She watched his face closely as she tried to put into words everything that had flown during her head since she had awakened to see Joker staring down at her that morning. The dream memories had coalesced more and more during their talk and the horror of the situation had overwhelmed her. She hadn't wanted to face it, and taken the cowardly way – she was ashamed to admit it, but she wouldn't lie to herself about it – and lashed out at Kaidan. She regretted every word she had flung at him in anger, but she found herself struggling now to find the ones to correct her mistake. Instead, she sighed and said the one thing she thought he needed to hear most right now, "I love you."

Kaidan smiled and immediately returned her words, "I love you, too." But he saw she was still trying to pick her words, so he settled back into patient silence.

"Earlier today," she told him, "some of my memories – ok all of my memories – about the Citadel and the Crucible came back. And, Kaidan," her voice broke, she had to clear her throat to continue, "I chose. There was this AI, it's complicated and not important right now, but it gave me the choice. I picked the option that destroyed EDI and the Geth."

Kaidan sucked in his breath in surprise and wondered what evil power that be had thought that the fate of the galaxy should be determined like making a decision in one of those choose-your-own-ending stories from his childhood and cursed them for placing the weight of that choice on the shoulders of this woman. Had they known that she, more than any other person in that situation, would suffer no matter what choice she had made? Did they care? Still, as much as he railed against the circumstances, bitter recriminations wouldn't help the woman clutching his hand desperately.

"What were the other choices?" he decided that taking her through this logically was going to be the best option here, and he had to admit, he was curious.

She wouldn't have expected anything else from him, she thought. So Kaidan – something he didn't understand, couldn't conquer, he'd think it out, calm and collected, trying to reason his way through things that sometimes didn't make sense. Still, she would tell him, it was important that he know all the facts at hand and she would watch closely for any criticism, any flaw, of her reasoning.

"The first option was to control the Reapers. It told me I would fuse my consciousness to them, I would be dead but exist as some type of omniscient being, able to make sure that they couldn't cause further harm," she gave him the summary as she understood it, didn't color the facts with her interpretation at the time that it was either a pretty fantasy or an outright lie (although her thoughts at the time were much more on the level of 'bullshit').

However, she saw immediately that he had come to the same conclusion and that was confirmed when he drawled out, "Are you sure the AI wasn't the Illusive Man in disguise?"

"No, he was already dead – shot himself in the head – but it did sound too good to be true to me," she answered him, smiling at his joke.

"Ok, so not an option," Kaidan confirmed, "what's next?"

She took a deep breath and forged on, "The other option was something it called synthesis." She couldn't keep the distaste from coloring her voice here as much as she wanted to present a purely factual report, not a persuasion; the bile still rose whenever she thought of making that choice. To have the audacity to change all life in the galaxy permanently, and in a way she couldn't be sure was for the better, well, that wasn't a trait of which she ever wanted to consider herself capable. She tried to present the explanation in the blandest terms she could, "All life – synthetic and organic – would be melded into one race. Every person would be both synthetic and organic. It said it was the final evolution."

Kaidan read between the lines despite the efforts she made to mask it and saw how distasteful she had found that option. Playing god, changing the very DNA of all life in the galaxy? Not something he could ever imagine Shepard considering. Plus, he thought again about what she said and queried, "Didn't you say Reapers were synthetics built with organic building blocks? That they were trying to build a human Reaper on the Collector base?" At her nod, he continued, coming to his point, "So wouldn't the synthesis option mean we'd all become Reapers?"

Shepard stared at him, agape. She was fairly sure that conclusion had been lurking somewhere, beneath the bile and distaste, but it hadn't yet surfaced consciously. Trust Kaidan to make things so clear to her. And he was right. Synthesis would have turned them all into nothing more than Reapers.

She sighed, realizing she needed to finish, and continued, "The final choice – the one I made – would destroy the Reapers, and all synthetic life along with them. I knew when I made that choice that EDI would die, the Geth would be gone. I knew it and I still did it anyway, with a song in my heart."

Kaidan's own heart broke for her then, and he wiped the tears away from her cheeks and kissed it softly. He sat back and sighed, stroking her hand, he told her, "You already know you made the right choice. Thank you."

She looked startled at his quiet words, at his unequivocal support, and he smiled at her. Trust Shepard to blame herself where no one else would.

"Kaidan," she said in a small, uncharacteristically weak voice, "do you remember how I was after Virmire?"

He closed his eyes briefly thinking he would never forget, then he gave her a small nod in reply.

"The thing about my choice on Virmire that has always haunted me is whether I made the right choice for the wrong reasons," she told him softly. "I had every Alliance reg and protocol on my side – you were the clear choice, the only choice as the higher ranking officer and the one in the more strategic position – and I pulled those regs and protocols around me to try to find comfort. But deep inside, I always knew that if your situations had been reversed, I might have made a different choice."

Personally, he doubted that. The Shepard he knew might have hesitated, but she would have, in the end, done her duty. He knew she would have suffered even more for it, but she would have made the right call. He wouldn't have blamed her for an instant.

"Shepard," he told her, "in all the years I've known you one of the things I've come to respect about you the most is that you make the tough calls. I told you that before, and I'll say it again now. Whatever your reasons, you weren't wrong on Virmire, you weren't wrong this time. There's a galaxy out there that has a chance at new life thanks to you and the tough call you made. No matter the cost, no matter the sacrifice, you did the right thing."

He knew she was a long way from acceptance. He just hoped he had been able to make a difference, to set her on that path. They had more to talk about, sure. But they had time. For now, he just sat, quietly holding her hand, until she closed her eyes and slipped into much needed sleep. He watched, prepared to guard her, even from her dreams if necessary.


	28. Gathering

_A/N – hmm, I wasn't gonna post any more tonight, I was emotionally exhausted from the last four chapters, but a wonderful review from Jules Hawk gave me a second wind. This chapter is pure fluff, really, and inspired by the Citadel DLC. However, I tried not to repeat that content, just give homage. Plus, there were many characters that I wanted to include in this fic, but didn't give enough inspiration to center an entire chapter around, so this is more of an ensemble piece. Finally, I felt that we all needed a little love after the angst, and my son (who beta reads all but the smut for me) pointed out that something was missing from the fic so far… so without further ado…_

* * *

"Are you sure about this, Kaidan?" she sounded more like a plaintive child than strong willed soldier he thought with amusement as he tucked the robe around her more firmly. No need to share her assets with the entire crew…

She pushed away his fussing hands and tried again. "A party? Really? I'm in a wheelchair," she gestured at the thing in disgust, "and the planet is still lying in ruins. And Joker – his girlfriend just died, is he really going to want to party? Is that appropriate?"

Kaidan laughed down at her, leaned over to kiss her cheek and told her, "It was Joker's idea, actually," as he began to maneuver the chair out of her room. It was state of the art and she could easily operate it from the controls at her fingertips, but he figured if he waited for her to do it herself, they'd never make the short journey to the waiting room.

"Great, what is it with him? Every time we solve a crisis we throw a party? It's gonna get old fast," she grumbled.

"Think of it as a gathering," he told her, pushing her down the hall past the nurses' station and giving a smile and nod to the two women stationed there. "Everyone wants to see you, especially now that you're sitting up and somewhat mobile and the casts are gone."

That had been a huge deal, and just six weeks to the day after the Crucible firing. The doctors were very pleased with her recovery now and the only reminder was the brace she still wore on her left hand. The bones of that hand had been painstakingly reconstructed days after she was found, they had been completely crushed during the explosion. She would have to wear the brace for another month, at least, they told her, and she may never regain full mobility. Shepard had received the news in typical fashion - she had looked at the poor doctor and snarled, "Watch me."

He pressed the call button for the elevator and leaned over her once again, brushing a kiss against her ear then whispered in it, "If you're good, I'll spring you once everyone has a chance to say hi."

"Promise?" she asked, looking grumpy but resigned now.

* * *

Kaidan figured that he had been right to call it a gathering rather than a party. Everyone was there, and yeah, it looked like they were enjoying themselves, but this wasn't the raucous we-may-die-tomorrow mood of the last party they had thrown. Rather, he thought, there was an air of sobriety, a tinge of mellow to the mood. They were happy, they were celebrating, but they weren't forgetting the toll the war had taken. Entirely appropriate he thought.

He currently sat perched on the edge of a battered leather sofa in the west corner of the room. Seated below and nearby were Miranda Lawson (in a black catsuit which he guessed was her concession to casual gathering attire, but it was still a catsuit for fuck's sake), Steve Cortez, Joker, and Kasumi. He wasn't sure that the strange group had enough in common to support a conversation but it didn't matter anyway. He was surreptitiously stalking Shepard with his eyes, his attention focused on her rather than the conversation of the group around him, or lack thereof.

She had, quite literally, shooed him from her side about ten minutes after they arrived and had been making her way slowly through the assembled family, taking the time to speak with each one, reassure them just by her presence alone. In summary, she was being Shepard.

She was currently deep in conversation with Liara and Tali near the food table, filling a plate with enough food for a krogan – or a human biotic – while she said something that made Tali giggle. He was sure he didn't possess enough estrogen to know what that conversation was about, either, but the sight of Shepard, relaxed and enjoying her family, made him glad that he and Joker had planned this event. He settled back to continue his watch, determined that he would fetch her at the first sign of fatigue or stress.

* * *

Shepard knew his eyes hadn't left her since they arrived, even after she had chased him away for being a mother hen. She didn't mind. She figured she had given him enough reasons over the past six weeks to mother hen her for the rest of their lives, and she wasn't about to chafe against his protective nature again after they had settled their argument three days prior. Kaidan wouldn't be her Kaidan without that sweet urge to protect, and she was feeling generous since he had pushed her to come today. He was right, as usual, and she felt at home and relaxed with the people she loved best, even more so than during their visits to her room.

She continued to study him from across the room, smile on her face, while Liara made Tali giggle by recounting a story about Shepard, Garrus and Liara in the Mako during the original Normandy run. That the joke was told at the expense of her driving, she didn't mind. It had only taken three ground missions for Kaidan to finally get the nerve to say, at the start of the fourth, "Uh, Commander, maybe I should drive?" Then she had stared him down in one of her finer Commander Shepard moments and never heard about it again. Good times.

She moved away from Liara and Tali, steering her chair towards the krogan seated in the corner. She needed somewhere to eat, preferably where she wouldn't have to endure stares of shock or abject horror when people saw how much food she could consume in one setting. Since she figured Wrex and Grunt ate even more than she did, she should be safe with them. Besides, they had been suspiciously missing from her list of visitors since she woke up and she planned to give them shit about it.

She parked her chair between them and nodded to each in her typical greeting. "Wrex, Grunt." A chorus of "Shepard," followed and she figured the ritual had been upheld.

"So, boys," she drawled out once she figured she had consumed enough calories to sustain her for a conversation with her two favorite krogan. Christ, these two could be exhausting. Not that she loved them any less for it. Just, a woman needed to prepare. "How are things? Haven't seen you since returning to the land of the living."

She would have said krogan couldn't blush. She would have been wrong. The two staring at her now were looking decidedly sheepish.

"Yeah, about that Shepard," Wrex started, "sorry." He trailed off in a mumble. Grunt kept his eyes planted on the floor beneath her feet but didn't speak.

She had originally intended to tease them, but she could see now that she had struck a nerve. What the hell? Sensitive krogan? Shepard shook her head, amazed. She never thought she'd see the day.

"What's going on?" she questioned them, trying to figure out what was at the root of this. These were two of the most fearless members of her crew, charging into situations that gave even her pause – and she considered being told that she 'fought like a krogan', which she had heard more than once in her career, high praise.

"Battlemaster," Grunt growled his honorific of her in his typically gravelly voice, "we could not bear to see you brought low."

Well, that was unexpected, she mused, but she understood. The krogan valued strength above all and seeing her weak would have been shocking, to say the least. She smiled, thinking once again how lucky she was to have earned their loyalty and replied, "Aw, guys, that's sweet. But I'm good now, I'll be back to normal in no time." A slight understatement, but she figured she could be forgiven.

"Just don't headbutt any krogan until the doctors say it's ok," Wrex warned, as if that was likely to be a qualification on a human doctor's checklist.

"I'll take that under advisement, Wrex," she told him in her most serious tone before she wheeled herself off in the direction of what looked like a _very_ interesting conversation between James and Traynor. She wondered if she should warn him that he really wasn't Samantha's type, then decided that it would ruin the comedy, and she could use a good laugh.

* * *

Kaidan wondered just how he got himself in these situations. Refereeing a dispute between Jack and Jacob Taylor over shockwave versus barrier – offense versus defense in non-biotic terms he realized – had not been on his agenda for the evening. The fact that it looked like the participants in this debate were about to take it to the demonstration level was starting to give him a headache. He put his fingers to his mouth and gave his best sharp whistle. That got their attention. And everyone else's too, he assumed, but he didn't care.

"Look, you're both right, ok," he told Jack and Jacob, "that's why I can do both barrier and reave."

They both looked at him, mouths agape for a second before they shut them with audible snaps and moved off in opposite directions. Guess that was one way to end an argument, he thought, heading off to find himself a beer.

* * *

She wheeled around the guests about an hour later, stopping to hear Javik's comments about his cycle and steering very wide of Jacob and Brynn in the corner in what looked like a personal conversation. She thought she heard Jacob drawl the word 'prize' as she passed, turning it into a three syllable word and she decided she didn't want to know what _that_ was about. Her destination was the marine sitting quietly on a stool with his back to the bar, nursing a beer.

She took a minute to study him, pleased to see that he looked relaxed and rested, and was peacefully studying the room around him. She rolled up next to him and drawled cheekily, "Hey, sailor, come here often?"

Kaidan looked down at Shepard, smirk in place, and bantered back, "Only when my fiancee is out of town."

Shepard laughed, grabbed the beer out of his hands, swatted at him when he tried to retrieve it, and took a long swig. God, she missed beer.

"Guess we better make sure she doesn't find out then, huh?" she said as she handed the beer back.

Kaidan laughed softly, and leaned over to whisper against her ear, "I don't know, she's pretty scary."

Shepard shivered with delight as his warm breath tickled her neck and she turned her head so that her lips were close enough to his to be touching but not quite there. "Too bad, I have a nice private room and everything…" she trailed off and smiled at him.

He gladly took the invitation she extended, capturing her lips with his in a gentle, sweet kiss. When she opened her mouth under his and licked the seam of his lips with her tongue, he groaned and sank into her, bringing his hand up behind her head to hold her in place. He proceeded to kiss her thoroughly for the first time since she'd woken.

They broke apart a few moments later, startled, when they realized the entire room was watching them. The reactions varying from amused applause to cheers to catcalls. Kaidan leaned over to whisper in her ear again, "About that room?" She smiled at him and nodded, and he steered her back to her room.

They spent the next two hours necking like teenagers then cuddled together in his recliner, Kaidan cradling her to his chest, her head resting on his shoulder. His last thought before drifting off was 'I'm the luckiest man alive.'


	29. Cranky

_A/N – I'm starting a new arc here, one that will hopefully resolve, for me, one of the more interesting non-Shenko questions I had post-destroy. This should be one of the last two arcs of this fic, unless, when I consult with the crew next, they decide they have more issues to resolve. *grin* Therefore, we are marching to the end, more quickly than I'd prefer, perhaps, but I'm pleased with the journey. I sincerely hope you don't think that Shepard is OOC here, I spent much time with my inner muse debating how she would act/react. If you disagree (or agree) drop me a line and let me know. Oh, and fair warning, Shepard swears like the marine she is in this chapter… oh and if your name happens to be Jenny, I'm so sorry in advance. I have nothing against you, its all Shepard!  
_

_(FYI, there are four chapters in this arc - one of which is pure unadulterated smut - and I have three of four complete at the moment. I decided to upload tonight so that all you lovely people out there who keep making the hit counter rise could get your daily dose. If I can finish struggling with 4/4 before sleep claims, I'll upload that as well, but, right now, its kicking my ass)_

* * *

Shepard was cranky. Really cranky. She figured she had plenty of reasons though. She hated physical therapy. She loved exercise and she had always been very fit. But that was when her muscles did what she asked them to, even when she was asking them to stretched beyond their limits. Struggling to lift her legs with just a five pound weight strapped to her ankle was both frustrating and humiliating. And having a way-too-perky buxom blonde try to make her do it fifty times over while speaking to Shepard as if she were a five year child rather than a fucking N7 marine exceeded any previous definition of suck. She hated her physical therapist too, yet another reason to be cranky. Fucking Jenny. What adult female walked around with that name?

Then there was Shepard's fiancé. Who was more than happy to kiss and snuggle with her, totally unwilling to take it any further. In the week since the party, she swore she'd felt more sexual frustration than all the months they'd chased each other on the original Normandy combined. Gah. Stupid man had decided she was made of glass and was gonna treat her like she'd break. If she didn't get laid soon, she would be breaking… all of his fingers, slowly. Cranky!

She was so cranky, she almost bit Tali's head off when she walked in Shepard's room after fucking Jenny had finally ceased her torture. At least for today. When the quarian knocked on her doorframe, Shepard was still stewing, and barked out an angry "what?" without looking up.

"Shepard, is this a bad time?" Tali'Zorah vas Normandy entered the room with some trepidation.

Shepard sighed and decided that perhaps she was being a bit of a bitch, then pasted on her best sorry-I'm –a-bitch smile and answered, "Not at all, Tali, sorry about that. Therapy put me in a bit of a temper."

Tali nodded, accepting the explanation and apology and moved to sit on the edge of the bed, since Shepard was currently occupying the recliner. "I need to ask you something, Shepard," Tali informed her friend.

"If it's about Garrus," Shepard replied, "I'm not sure but Mordin may have left some pamphlets lying around…"

Tali laughed, appreciating the teasing, then hastened to reassure, "No, we have that quite figured out. No pamphlets needed."

"Good," Shepard answered, "So what's up then?"

"It's about the Geth," Tali informed her, wincing a bit when she saw the look of surprise and pain on Shepard's face. She had known it was likely to still be a sore subject, but she didn't know of a better person to advise her on her current situation. "The Fleet is divided. Severely. There are large, vocal members who want to increase efforts to restore the Geth, or failing that, rebuild them. There is an equally large, equally vocal contingent that won't hear of it, saying they refuse to repeat history."

Shepard nodded, she could fully appreciate both sides of the conflict since she had been the one to resolve the war between quarians and the Geth after they spent 300 years killing each other. What she didn't understand is why any of this concerned her. She turned to the person she had come to see as a little sister, and asked, "Ok, so what are you asking?"

Tali sighed, it always sounded strange through the breathing filter of her face mask. "I believe that the Geth were a sentient race. Legion taught me that. You taught me that. I believe we owe them, as their creators, any chance we can give that they may live again. But I'm not sure how to make the other side see that. And as long as the Admiralty Board is deadlocked over the issue, no progress can be made."

Shepard sucked a breath through her teeth and thought for a moment. She could see where this was headed and she honestly was sick of quarian politics. Any politics. Right then, she'd rather have fucking Jenny back. But this was Tali. Her friend. Her sister. Her loyal-from-start-to-finish crewmate. Shepard believed in loyalty. She respected it. And she always returned it in kind.

"So you want me to talk to them?" she asked Tali.

"Well," Tali replied, "I would have settled for telling me what to say, but, yes, that would be ideal."

"Have you considered that I may not be the most logical person to ask since I'm the reason the problem exists in the first place?" Shepard inquired patiently. "After all, it's because of me that the Geth are dead – not functioning – whatever." She finished with a wave of her hand. Synthetic metaphysics was not a subject in which she was fluent.

Tali thought for a moment about how to phrase her reply. She had known it was a risky proposition coming here, that Shepard may find her request anything from painful to tedious. She just knew that she had to try, she owed it to Legion and the rest of the Geth that had given the quarians back their homeworld. Once they could get to it again. She firmly believed that the Geth could be instrumental in those efforts, too, as well as once they did finally reach Rannoch again. It was a win for everyone. She just needed to convince the woman sitting across from her to help.

"I think it's because of that fact that you're the best candidate. As you said, the Geth don't exist anymore because of you, if you speak in favor of correcting that, they'd have to see reason," Tali implored, "they'd have to listen to you."

Shepard nodded - it did make a certain kind of sense. If she could make the Admirals see that the Geth were nothing more than collateral damage, inadvertent victims of the wave that destroyed the Reapers, perhaps they could see that it was only a fluke that had destroyed them. One that should be corrected. More, she could certainly remind them that their own evidence had shown the Geth to be sentient and appeal to their better natures. There was only one problem with the plan.

"Tali, what if I didn't want the Geth restored?" she asked her friend.

Tali froze, shocked. Of all the responses she had expected, that hadn't made the list. She knew Shepard saw the Geth as individual sentient beings. She knew that Shepard had sat with her on the soil of Rannoch, tears in her eyes, mourning Legion. She knew that Shepard had been suffering in guilt since she had found out the results of the Crucible firing. She had no frame of reference for a Shepard that wouldn't want the Geth back.

"You don't?" Tali asked, astonishment in her tone.

"I don't know," Shepard answered, giving Tali the only truth she could right now. Her feelings over the Geth were still very painful and she hadn't dissected them yet, but she also saw the bigger picture. Creating the Geth had resulted in a centuries-long war the first time. And she didn't believe that the quarians had become more trusting since. More importantly, the nightmare child's warnings about synthetics rising again and the cycle continuing rang in her ears. Reactivating the Geth was something she wanted to think about before she could give Tali her support. She regretted it, but she couldn't jump without looking this time.

"I need some time to think about it, Tali," she told the quarian sadly. "I hope you understand."

Tali nodded. She knew that the woman in front of her had been through hell in the past two months – which had only piled on top of four years of hell. She supposed the things Shepard had endured, the things that she had done, would shape and change her in those shoes as well. The least she could was give her friend the time and space to think about what was such a complicated issue even her race couldn't come to terms with it.

"Ok, Shepard," Tali replied, "you'll let me know when you decide?"

Shepard nodded. "Of course, I promise to get back to you soon." She turned troubled eyes to her friend and placed a hand on Tali's shoulder, "I'm sorry, Tali."

"Keelah, Shepard," Tali hastened to reassure, "you have nothing to apologize for. Quarian politics give me a headache. And I'm a quarian. A quarian Admiral." Tali laughed, then sobered, "I'll abide by whatever decision you make."

Shepard inhaled sharply. "That's not what I'm asking, Tali," she told her, "You don't need to change your opinion based on mine."

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy stood and placed a hand on her captain's shoulder. "Yes, I do, Shepard," she said quietly. "I will honor your decision because of all the people in this galaxy; you have the most right to make it." Then she walked out of the room to head back to her duties with the Fleet.

"Well, shit," Shepard growled to the empty room, "now I'm **really** cranky."


	30. Relief

_A/N – and now I give you some serious Shenko smut, this time live, not in flashback form. This chapter is flaming hot, involves no plot whatsoever, is shamelessly rated M and 100%, start to finish, NSFW. Those of you who would rather not read about our intrepid heroes getting it on, skip this chapter (but seriously, who are you?) *grin* j/k_

_Should I be worried that my longest chapters seem to involve smut? No? ok, good, just checking  
_

_A huge thank you to Jules Hawk and StoneburntHeart for pre-reading this for me and allaying my fears... The wet, naked Kaidan is dedicated to you, ladies~  
_

* * *

She was still cranky – and still thinking – when she entered the hospital's indoor pool area later that night. She had been given unrestricted access by the staff, who knew that an N7 marine needed no one to babysit her in a swimming pool, and was encouraged to take advantage of it by fucking Jenny, who told her hydrotherapy was 'very very good for your poor muscles right now, Captain Shepard.'

Shepard preferred to use the pool at times when it would be deserted. She liked to slide through the water – it was the only time her body still felt like her own anymore – and lose herself to the solitude and darkness. Tonight, though, her crankiness was compounded when she reached the edge of the pool, preparing to make the tricky maneuver from chair to water, and she realized she wasn't alone. There was a swimmer sliding through the water on the far side of the pool, his powerful strokes showing him to be a strong excellent swimmer. She watched in admiration as he made a smooth turn at the end of the pool and began to progress effortlessly back to her.

He was about halfway there when she sat up straighter in the chair, more than simple appreciation of his athleticism on her mind now. When he reached the end of the lane, right under where she was sitting, and threw his arms over the side of the pool, she was treated to the absolutely mouth-watering sight of Kaidan Alenko, soaking wet, and smiling up at her.

"You coming in, Shepard?" he asked her, grinning.

As if she would turn that invitation down, she thought, having serious issues tearing her gaze from his chest. She really wanted to lick the drops of water she saw rolling down those pecs and – she broke off her thoughts when she realized he was still speaking to her, "Huh?" she asked in a husky voice.

He laughed softly, enjoying that she had been distracted by him as much as he appreciated the sight of her in just her swimsuit. Alliance issue one piece tank or not, it hugged every curve and left nothing to the imagination. Not that he had to imagine anyway, only play back some very incredible memories.

"I asked if you needed help," he repeated the inquiry that had fallen on deaf ears while she stared at his chest.

"Oh, no," she replied, blushing. For fuck's sake, he made her blush. Still. "I can do it," she stated, waving a hand, then made good on her word immediately after, sliding into the water beside him in a less-than-graceful but entirely solo motion.

He wrapped his arms around her for support so that she wouldn't have to rely on her weakened arms to hold her up against the side of the pool or her unsteady legs to tread water. He pulled her flush against him in a parody of a lover's embrace and tilted his head to capture her lips.

Kat moaned against him, squirming at bit, trying to climb even closer in his arms and wrapped her arms around his neck. She returned the kiss, dove into it, forced him to deepen it. They ate at each other's mouths ferociously, while she tunneled hands through his hair, until they had to break apart, gasping for breath. They leaned into each other, touching foreheads, as he reached beneath the water and pulled her legs around his waist. His hands formed a shelf to support her bottom and she clung to him with her arms still around his neck. It was a little awkward maintaining the position – the ledge at the lip of the pool, the only place the water was shallow enough for him to stand, was narrow – but Kaidan figured he could handle it unless they got too crazy. He leaned in to capture her lips again, giving her soft gentle kisses, pulling back before it got too heated, resisting her efforts to chase him. He moved his mouth across her jaw, tasting as he went, then wrapped his lips around her sensitive earlobe and sucked gently. She moaned and dug her nails into his shoulder. He grinned, and kissed the spot she loved, right behind her ear.

"Kaidan," she muttered, groaned, "I need you." She demonstrated her point by rubbing her center more firmly against his lower belly. He could feel her heat, even through the suit and the chill of the water.

Kaidan took a moment to ponder whether he could comply with her request in their current position and discarded the idea. Too likely one or the other would drown. Too much paperwork and awkward explanations down that path. He turned his thoughts towards how to get them somewhere safer without her doing him bodily harm in the process, either out of inadvertent clumsiness or sheer frustration. He decided on lifting her out of the pool as the first step and with a surge of muscles put thought to action.

That left Kat sprawled on the pool edge above him, legs parted and partially reclining. Hmm, this had possibilities beyond what he had thought. He moved closer, forcing her to part her legs wider to accommodate the width of his shoulders between them, and couldn't prevent himself from glancing up to check her face for any signs she was uncomfortable or in pain. What he saw was that he had better do something other than look soon, or he was gonna have one pissed off marine on his hands.

He brought his hands up slowly, stroking her from where her feet still dipped in the water, all the way up her legs and skipped over her center for now. Instead, he continued sliding his hands up over her stomach to her breasts. He cupped them over the slick wet material of her suit and gave a gentle squeeze. Kat leaned her head back, arched her back and rested her weight on her elbows. She looked so beautiful like that, he thought, eyes closed, mouth slightly open, tongue darting out to lick her lips.

He knew he didn't have much leeway here, he wasn't blind to her recent frustration, he'd even shared it himself. He just wanted to be careful, to not do anything that would risk hurting her or aggravating her injuries. But, he realized, the road to hell is paved with good intentions, and they'd both been in hell for the past week. Time to dive back in, so to speak.

On that thought, Kaidan stretched as far up her body as he could reach from his current position and just managed to grab the fastener for her suit. He began to open the garment, peeling it off her slowly, enjoying the view of every inch of flesh he revealed along the way. When he had opened it as far as it went, to her bellybutton, he leaned over and planted a kiss there then moved his hands back up to her breasts, parting the opened material completely to expose them. He continued to tickle her stomach with feathery kisses while his hands played on her breasts, stroking, kneading, and then pinching her nipples while she moaned in response.

He helped her sit back up so he could draw the swimsuit off her shoulders and let it fall open to the waist. He pulled her down to him and kissed her, once, hard, then returned to her breasts, repeating his attentions, this time with lips, teeth and tongue. She had wrapped her legs around his chest and he was surprised at her grip. He knew she was still weak from her injuries and coma, but she had obviously regained some of her former strength already. He was pleased to see another indication that Kat was well on her way back.

Kaidan kissed her again, taking her mouth and possessing it completely, his tongue warring with hers for dominance in a battle they both won. He broke the kiss and pulled himself out the water to sit beside her, then drew her into him so her naked breasts were flush with his bare chest, and went back to kissing the breath from her. He moved his hands to her hips, pushing the suit down as far as he could, and then delved beneath it with one hand to find her warm and wet for him. He stroked her with his fingers in the rhythm of his tongue in her mouth and she gasped. He swallowed it in his kiss.

He brought his other hand up to her breast and pinched a nipple, firmly but not painfully, while his fingers stayed busy between her legs. Her increased breathing and small moans indicated that she was close, so he swiped a finger over her clit then pressed in hard and she exploded around him, breaking their kiss to give one long moan then she gulped huge breaths as if she had run a mile. He brought her down slowly, eyes locked on her face, filing this memory away in his growing databank of favorite Kat moments.

When she could breathe again normally, Kat grinned at Kaidan and brought her hand up to stroke his cheek. She gave him a quick peck on the lips and threw him a cocky, "That was more like it."

She saw him grin in reply, and he reached out to stroke stroked her hair, then, surprising her, he yanked it lightly and growled, "Were we done?"

She laughed, and kissed him again, still playing but this time, a little deeper. "Not hardly, soldier, this is just the interlude." Then she pushed him until he was lying flat on his back on the tile and leaned over him. She kissed him, tongue darting in his mouth just enough to tease, not enough to satisfy and moved her mouth down before he could capture her.

"Kat," bit off on a groan, then sucked his breath in as her mouth moved its way down his chest and took one of his nipples. She sucked hard then flicked her tongue around it and he groaned again.

Kat looked up at him, impishly, and asked, "Like that, do you, soldier?" As if she didn't know. She turned her attention to the other nipple, while she stroked her hand slowly up his thighs in an echo of the motions he had used on her just a few minutes ago. She however, wasn't as much of a tease as he was, so she didn't skip over anything. She traced her hand lightly over the hard bulge his swimtrunks did nothing to hide, eliciting another groan. She smiled against his chest and traced him gently with her nails, knowing how much he liked it.

She tugged on the waistband of his trunks until she was able to release him and he sprang hot and hard into her palm. She fisted him, slowly moving her hand up and down his length, squeezing gently as she went. When she reached the tip, she rubbed her thumb over him lightly, then moved her fist back down.

She kept the rhythm of her strokes light and teasing for now as she starting kissing her way down his chest to his belly. She paused at his bellybutton long enough to tease it with her tongue then she continued her way down, kissing his skin, until she reached her destination. She slid him into to her mouth, took him as far as she could, until he was near the back of her throat. She squeezed her mouth around him, giving him pressure and a little suction and rolled her tongue over the flesh in her mouth.

Kaidan's hands came up to rest in her hair, stroking, encouraging but not pushing and she heard him say her name, even though it was almost an inaudible whisper. She took those as good signs that she was pleasing him and went back to her task at hand. She slid him in and out of her mouth in a slow torturous pace, giving him plenty of suction and tongue action as she went. She kicked the speed of her strokes up a bit when she heard him start to breathe hard. She knew she was driving him close to the edge and reached down to gently cup his balls to drive him even more insane. She didn't expect him to reach down and tug on her hips, pulling them back so that they would be in line with his head, but she complied regardless.

Kaidan tugged her suit off completely her and drew her on top of him, then brought her delicious wetness down to meet his hungry mouth. He traced her with his tongue then found her clit and sucked it into his mouth. He nursed at her while she continued to drive him crazy, sucking him just enough to keep him on the edge, not enough to send him over. Since he planned to come only when he was buried deep inside her, he didn't mind. But as for her…

Kat felt him bring his hand up, stroke around her hip, then he slid two fingers inside her, pumping them slowly. She gasped around him, losing her pace, entirely distracted by those fingers sliding in and out of her and the incredible things he was doing to her with his mouth and tongue. Ok then, this was a battle apparently, and he wasn't gonna follow the rules of engagement. She would win anyway. She resumed her attentions, this time increasing the pace and the suction, but she realized, when he hooked his fingers inside her and made her come in a rush, the enemy knew her too well. She gasped her orgasm, moaning around him, trying to stay on track, bring him with her.

Kaidan reached down and gently pulled her up to him, kissing her deeply and distracting her again. In his most inner thoughts, he glowed with male pride at having reduced the indomitable woman in his arms to nothing more than a quivering mass of satisfied female. He planned to do it again at the next available opportunity.

He slid her off his chest and to her side and spooned himself behind her. He gave a moment's worry over the hard tile beneath them but figured she wouldn't care, he certainly didn't. He reached down and slid his hand between her thighs enough to lift and part her to give him access and slid into her, moving his hand to her hip to pull her firmly back against him. He was thrilled to find her hot and wet and tight, still quivering from her orgasm around him. He started a slow gentle pace at first, while his hand traveled again, this time down her stomach, between her legs, and to her hard little clit. He rested his finger there, allowing his strokes into her from behind to do the work, so that each time he entered her, he pressed her into his finger. She threw her head back onto his shoulder and moaned, "Kaidan."

God, he knew her body so well, he played her like an instrument. Kat wouldn't have thought she'd have been able to come again after the last orgasm he had given her, but the pressure was mounting again, coming from both his strokes deep inside her and that clever finger just where she needed it. She squeezed her inner muscles down on him on each stroke, trying to give back some of the pleasure he was offering her and was rewarded with a more frenetic pace and his moan against her throat. Good, it was working. She pushed back against him with every stroke, working towards her pleasure as much as his, and then the pressure built and exploded between one breath and the next. She screamed, unable to restrain it, as the biggest and hardest orgasm of the night ripped through her.

Kaidan felt her come before he heard her scream, she clamped down on him like a vice, and he pressed her clit hard to add to the pleasure as much as he could. He moved quickly now, unable to hold back, pushing himself in and out in shallow then deep strokes till the pressure finally broke and he spilled himself inside her, kissing her throat and moaning her name against it. He closed his eyes and let out a long deep sigh of relief, apparently they both had needed that.

Kat decided, much later when she was drifting off to sleep in his arms, that she was much less cranky. She fell asleep with a smile on her face.


	31. Hope

_A/N – I had originally planned to write this chapter from Shepard's perspective, but Kaidan gave me that look and took over… like I could say no to him… _

_Ah, and Javik… he needed his moment, no matter how brief_

* * *

Kaidan wondered if the Reapers had returned. If the Geth had suddenly reanimated their empty shells and decided all organics must die. If another _Blasto_ movie was currently being filmed. Judging from the sounds coming from his fiancée's room as he quickly made his way down the hall from his office, he figured any of those options were likely, although he found himself in the strange position of hoping it was only the latter. What we didn't expect to see, when he entered the room, was Shepard, biotics flaring (which he mused was another sign that she was healing nicely, although she had been told to keep them on ice until the doctors cleared her) in an angry confrontation with the last remaining Prothean.

Javik had remained on Earth, unable to complete his plans to find the graves of his lost comrades and join them until the relays were repaired. To that end, he had been assigned to the team working on that project, despite his mutterings that he was a soldier not a scientist. He had fulfilled every request made of him during the reconstruction efforts, however, even if he commonly did so with a sneer. To Kaidan's mind, any help was welcome, even if it came with attitude.

Shepard and Javik had not always had an easy relationship, Kaidan knew. They had, more than once, ended up on opposite sides of debates, and they were both as stubborn as the other. They were more alike than the other wanted to admit, he had often thought – entirely to himself, since he figured sharing that observation with either of them would shorten his lifespan dramatically. But what Kaidan knew, to his bones, was that they each recognized the warrior in their counterpart and despite their differing points of view, they respected each other. Which is why he was so surprised to see them hurling angry words at each other now.

"Commander, if you make this mistake, commit this atrocity," Javik was speaking quietly, but anger tinged his tone, "you will not live to regret it."

For her part, Shepard was glaring at the Prothean, glowing blue and practically vibrating with her anger. "It's not your call to make, Javik. I'm not even sure it should be mine. But humans have the right to complete their own cycle as they see fit, not following the path of a civilization that died 50,000 years ago!" Her voice rose with frustrated anger on the last. Kaidan figured that he should break this up, in the interest of protecting not just the two people in the room, but everyone in the hospital and the vicinity. If Shepard's biotics were functional again, there was enough power between them to resemble a small nuclear explosion if unleashed.

Kaidan took a moment to raise his barrier, figuring caution was his friend here, and stepped up to the two. "What's going on here?" he asked.

That Shepard's face showed surprise that he was there - just for an instant before she masked it - told Kaidan that she was seriously off her game. Whatever the argument had been about, it had gotten to her. He repeated his query, this time more forcefully, "What's this about?"

Javik apparently decided that the confrontation was over and succinctly bit out a "Commander," on his way out the door. All the better, Kaidan figured, he really only wanted to have to sort out the emotions of one hotheaded warrior. He dropped his barrier and turned to the woman in question, brow raised, waiting for a response.

"Kaidan," she said in that tone that indicated she was trying to deflect him, to retreat. He saw the dark energy of her flared biotics disperse, to his relief, and she turned away from him to face the window.

He grabbed her arm, gently – he wasn't willing to stop protecting her, even from herself – and turned her back to face him. "Don't Kaidan me, Shepard," he flung the words at her as he had that day on Mars, "I deserve to know why my fiancée, who is still recovering from life threatening injuries, nearly came to blows with a member of her crew. Using the biotics she's been told to keep a lid on until the doctors think it's safe. What's. Going. On?"

For a moment, she looked every inch the Commander Shepard she had always been. No matter her new rank, that name was more of a description than an honorific and it fit the look she gave him more than any other could. Then he saw her relax visibly and take a deep breath.

"Tali asked me to convince the Admiralty Board that they should support reactivating the Geth." She said quietly. To anyone that didn't know her well, it might seem a non-sequitur but he spoke fluent Shepard and immediately did the math. Given his dislike and suspicion of synthetics, Javik apparently decided to make his views on the Geth issue clear.

Kaidan sighed and used the grip he still had on her arm to pull her closer to him. Gently. Then he wrapped his arms around her and hugged her. He pulled back and looked down at her face. She was looking rather downcast, he reflected, and very un-Shepard. Apparently there was more here than even his quick calculations had determined. "Ok," he spoke evenly, calmly, "so Javik didn't approve, I take it?"

Though he already knew the answer to his question, he also knew that questioning her indirectly would get her to open up and tell him the real issue. He had known for the past few days that she was struggling with something; even when they had made love in the pool room, he had sensed her distraction. Before, and after. But he figured that he owed her the space to come to him when she was ready, and that they had come far enough in their relationship that she would trust him to do when she was. Shepard was too accustomed to leading to be easily led herself, and no amount of pulling at her would change that. He accepted that. It was one of the downsides of a relationship between two alphas – someone always had to bend. He loved her enough to be that one usually, but, he thought, in this case, he wasn't bending till he got the truth out of her.

Shepard grimaced in response to his query and gave a wry laugh, "That would be an understatement. He's so tied to his past, his cycle… I guess it's a bit like me, when I came back," she was now lost in her own thoughts and he took a moment to grimace over the casual mention of her death and resurrection, "he's still in his present, but everyone else has moved on around him. But he has to be willing to adapt, to change. I did."

Kaidan nodded, knowing that they weren't there yet, but that Shepard was working her way around it, in her own time. He stood quietly holding her, offering her silent support, and patiently waited for her to continue.

"Kaidan, I don't know what to do," she spoke quietly, standing passively in his arms with her eyes cast down, "I don't know what's right." She stopped there, as if she had actually given him something to work with, and he took a moment to wonder if she thought he actually could hear her thoughts, rather than just being very good at guessing them. Apparently, this was going to take more work than he had originally thought.

"Kat," he said gently, using his fingers under her chin to lift her face up to him so he could look her in the eyes, "whatever's wrong, no matter how bad, you can tell me. I'm your soft place to land, remember? Let me help."

He watched the struggle in her eyes, the indecision then she nodded, just once and very slight. Finally, he thought. "I told Tali I didn't know, I wasn't sure," as she paused, he looked a question at her, needing more clarification, "I don't know if the Geth should be reactivated."

Kaidan was stunned. This was not a view he expected from Shepard. The woman he knew supported life in all its iterations, took up arms in defense of any cause she found remotely worthy, and, for fuck's sake, even cried over dead fish. He knew full well that she considered Geth to be sentient life, and he wondered, not for the first time, how much her experience with that AI during the Crucible firing had changed her, in both blatant and subtle ways. Still, this was not just the woman he loved with every fiber of his being, this was the hero he had followed through thick and thin since he had met her. If she had doubts, he would honor her with the respect she had earned.

"Why," he asked her simply, probing once again to try to reach the center of this struggle.

"Wouldn't we be doing it all over again? Repeating the same mistakes?" she questioned him, doubt clear in her voice. "The child – AI – whatever – said that if we created synthetics again, the cycle would be doomed to repeat. I can't be responsible for that. It sucks that I killed the Geth," here, he saw clear confirmation that she had and still did consider the Geth to be 'alive,' "but plenty of other species have become extinct throughout history. Life moved on. What if reactivating the Geth eventually killed all life?"

Trust her to be worried about people who wouldn't be born for 50,000 years he thought. But, although he saw her point, he also saw the flaws in her logic. He knew if she wasn't recovering from massive trauma and suffering from a serious case of survivor's guilt, she would see them herself. But events had tempered her, caused her to doubt herself. It would be up to him to help her find the way now. He reached deep inside for the strength to say the things he was about to, knowing that it would wound both of them to think about, but he needed the hurt to make her see.

"Shepard," Kaidan began, his tone gentle but firm, "you died." He saw the shock in her eyes at his bald statement, and he too felt the pain and regret, "What would this world be like now if Cerberus hadn't brought you back?" A question he didn't think there was enough alcohol in the galaxy for him to truly ponder at length. "My point is, if you had stayed dead, none of us would be standing here now. And yes, Cerberus brought you back for a specific mission, but look at what you have accomplished since you defeated the Collectors. The peace you have brought, the enemies you have defeated. Would any of that have happened if you hadn't come back?" Kaidan raised a hand when he saw she would interrupt, "No, we don't know if someone else would have stepped in," although he sincerely doubted it, "but isn't that another point? We don't know."

He paused for a moment to lean down and gently kiss her, needing to reassure himself after talking about her death that she was, indeed standing before him, whole and alive. Then he continued, still in the soft and gentle tone he had used from the beginning.

"Do you know why we haven't buried my father yet?" he inquired softly. This too, would be a painful subject, but he'd gladly drag his pain out and display it if it would only help her.

She shook her head, pain on her face now, too, in sympathy for him, bringing her hand up to stroke his cheek. "We don't know - he's not dead," she said quietly, trying to offer him what comfort she could, even in the middle of her own crisis.

Kaidan smiled sadly, and told her, "We don't know he is. But the chances that he will be found alive after over 10 months MIA are slim. We both know that. But, we have hope. So we won't 'bury' him, won't declare him dead, until there is no hope remaining."

She nodded, understanding the truth of that. Still, she kept her hand on his cheek in comfort.

Kaidan turned his head and placed a soft kiss on her palm. "That's what makes us human. We have hope. That's what no AI, no matter how advanced, could be able to comprehend. That's why the child was wrong. Hope was not something it could calculate."

She looked at him, startled, and realized that she herself had tried to make that point when speaking to the AI child. This, then, was the crux of the matter. If she had hope, there was only one right solution.

He saw the change come over her gradually, as she processed his words, followed his logic. He saw the moment his Commander Shepard stood before him, tall and proud, and figured the Admirals were in for quite an earful. He couldn't wait to see it.


	32. Politics

_A/N – ok, here it is, my nemesis… this chapter was exceedingly difficult to write, probably because it involves politics and conflicts not thoughts and emotions. I'm much better with emotions, I think! Still, I felt it was an important part of my Shepard's story and I wanted to wrap up the 'reactivate the Geth' arc in this way. Hopefully you'll be pleased… I'd also like to clarify that I'm aware that Admiral Koris is a long time Geth sympathizer and I hope, based on how he explains himself in the chapter, you won't consider him OOC._

_On another note, while I was stumbling over writing this, my mind wandered and the second paragraph inspired another shameless Shenko smut chapter. Since I don't think it's necessary to the fic, nor do I want this to become wall-to-wall smut out of respect for the readers that don't prefer that, I have decided not to post it as a regular chapter. However, since I enjoyed the heck out of writing it and I think those of you that appreciate that type of thing would enjoy reading it, I'll offer it to you as a standalone. If you'd like to read it, click on my profile to find it! Fear not, its PWP so if you don't read, you won't miss anything crucial~_

* * *

Shepard fussed with the buttons of her dress blues, now sporting insignia of her new rank, and told herself, not for the first time that day, that she only had herself to blame for her current predicament. That she was on her way to face down a group of angry quarian Admirals – again – was a direct result of her own decision to support Tali's efforts to reactivate the Geth. That this confrontation was unlikely to result in her having to dodge live rounds from the quarians or punching one of them – again – was little consolation. Despite appearances, Shepard _hated_ politics. Even more than hanar Spectres. Which was a lot.

She turned to see Kaidan walking through her door, also decked out in dress blues. Well now, the day just got a lot brighter, she thought. Wonder if we could skip the Admirals and go play 'an officer and an officer' somewhere she mused. She sighed and realized with great regret that it was unlikely. Although… maybe she could convince him to keep the uniform on later. Until she peeled it off him. Possibilities.

She gave him a smile that didn't quite hide her thoughts, and saluted smartly, as best she could from her position seated in the wheelchair. She hated the thing but since her legs still weren't strong enough to support her on their own, she figured it was the lesser of two evils. She'd rather sit proud when she faced the Admirals than stand weak and supported. She still bemoaned the psychological disadvantage she felt it gave her though.

"Kaidan," she greeted the man standing before, after he had returned her salute – military correct – then leaned over to take her mouth in a quick hot kiss – fiancé correct.

He gave her a warm smile and she thought she saw appreciation in his eyes, as well. Her plans for later were definitely looking more likely… Then he asked her, quietly, "Are you ready?"

She knew he'd do anything to shield her from stress, but she figured asking him to take her place before the quarian Admirals was too big an ask, even for him. She sighed, resigned, and nodded, "Let's go."

She allowed him to push her chair. She didn't need him to do it - she could operate it with the controls on the arm, under her hand - but she knew he enjoyed it. She didn't feel like analyzing why that was just then so instead she sat back and tried to relax while he navigated them to the third floor conference room which had been reserved for this holo conference. She had used every trick in her very vast Commander Shepard arsenal to try to convince the doctors to allow her take a shuttle to the _Neema_ for this conference. She had suffered one of the few defeats in her career and now had to settle for staring down the Admirals via holo. Not ideal.

She studied the room around her, trying to gather her thoughts, taking in her surroundings. The room was sparse, just a large table in the center with chairs around it, and a credenza in the corner. One end of the room, opposite where she sat, was taken up by floor to ceiling windows. She supposed it was as good a place as any to do this. She looked up from her perusal to see Tali enter the room and rush to her side. Tali was the only member of the Admiralty Board that would be planetside for this meeting, the rest would link in from their ships in orbit.

"Shepard," Tali breathed, "I want to thank you again for doing this."

Shepard looked at her friend and gave the quarian the answer she wished she had the first time they talked, "It's the right thing to do, Tali." Then she took a breath and gestured to Tali to sit, next to Kaidan and across from her chair.

"Tell me what we're up against," she requested, command tone in place. She would treat this like any other mission briefing.

Tali nodded and began her report, "Well, Admiral Xen is the most clearly in our corner at the moment, although I suspect her motives lie more in scientific study than in the interests of the Geth." Shepard nodded, she had never been impressed with Xen's interest in science above all else. Tali continued, "Admiral Koris and Admiral Gerrel are both staunchly against, each for their own reasons. Admiral Gerrel is concerned from the military standpoint, while Admiral Koris worries on behalf of the civilizations on the liveships. Either way, they have been very vocal about their objections. And Admiral Raan…"

Tali broke off and sighed and Shepard digested the information until she continued. "She refuses to take a stand one way or another. I have spoken to her privately and she told me she believes in the Geth's sentience, their right to live even, but she has seen too much, suffered too many losses, to be willing to actively support them now."

Shepard heard the sadness coloring Tali's tone and wasn't surprised. She knew that Tali was closest to Admiral Raan, considered her family. She felt a twinge of sympathy for the young quarian that her family had disappointed her once again. She nodded, the situation was not surprising, and completely what she would have predicted really, but it didn't make it any easier to resolve. "So," she said, "we convince Raan, we win the vote?"

Tali nodded. "Yes," she replied, "but that's easier said than done."

Privately, Shepard agreed. But she had committed herself, she'd do her best. She saw Kaidan give her a nod and smile of support out of the corner of her eye and she braced herself for combat and said to Tali, "Ok, let's get the Admirals."

After a few moments of coordination between Kaidan and Tali, they stood before her, ghostly in their holo form. Admiral Han'Gerrel vas Neema, Admiral Zaal'Koris vas Qwib-Qwib, Admiral Shala'Raan vas Tonbay and Admiral Daro'Xen vas Moreh, who - along with Admiral Tali'Zorah vas Normandy who currently stood to Shepard's left - made up the governing body for the quarian people. She sincerely hoped this was the final time she'd have to butt heads with these stubborn people.

She took a deep breath and began, "Admirals I have asked you here today to appeal to you to support Admiral Zorah's effort to reactivate the Geth people." She used that term pointedly, hoping against hope that would see that they were dooming a race to extinction, not arguing over machines.

"Captain Shepard," she heard the derisive tone of Admiral Gerrel and winced inwardly, "do you not think your appeal is rather ironic, since we understand that we have you to thank for ridding us of the Geth?"

"Admiral Gerrel," she said from behind clenched teeth, "it is because of the _military_ decision that I was forced to make, due to a change in _mission parameters_," the last said with a tinge of sarcasm, "that I appeal to you today. I made the choice that I did in the interests of the galaxy at large, to achieve our objective of destroying the Reapers. I sincerely regret that the Geth were innocent casualties of that decision. It is my understanding that Admiral Zorah and Admiral Xen believe that there's a chance that they can reverse the damage I inadvertently caused. I believe that the Geth deserve that chance."

"So we may find ourselves in bloody battle, throwing our own civilians against them again?" This from Admiral Koris.

Shepard spoke directly to him, "Admiral Koris, it was your civilians that began aggressions against the Geth, the Migrant Fleet that started the war. The Geth just wanted to live, same as any civilian under your protection." She saw him give a slow nod.

"What if the price is too high, the cost too much," came the quiet reflective tones of Admiral Raan, "there has been so much destruction on both sides. Isn't it better to leave things as they lie, not risk going down a dangerous road again?" she seemed to be more uncertain of the answer than posing a real objection.

"Admiral Raan," Shepard said softly, "we cannot live our lives in fear of the unknown. The quarians have suffered, yes, as have every other race in this war, even the Geth. But the thing that defines us as not just human or quarian is that we can learn from that suffering and grow. I believe the quarians are a better people now than they were before this war. I believe they will learn from the mistakes of the past, and do things better. Don't you owe your people that belief as well?"

Admiral Raan seemed to stare at her in shock for a moment, then she visibly gathered herself, and turned to her omni-tool, saying, "We will vote now, Captain Shepard, please give us a moment."

Shepard sat quietly, patiently waiting, noting Tali entering her vote on her own omni-tool. After a short time, Admiral Raan spoke again.

"Captain Shepard, we thank you once again for your aid. You have proven a true friend to the quarian people over the years and once again you have helped us – me – to see the error of our ways. The Admiralty Board votes in favor of Admiral Zorah and Admiral Xen's efforts. All available resources will be dedicated to their cause." Her voice rang with the authority of her rank, but then she continued, more softly, "Shepard, I wish you the peace and happiness you have earned. Thank you for your service. Keelah se'lai."

Shepard nodded in respect to the Admiral and returned her, "Keelah se'lai." Then the holos blinked out and she was wrapped in a tight hug by Tali. Sometimes politics didn't suck.


	33. Roadblock

_A/N – We are quickly nearing the end of our journey and each word I write is bittersweet. I have enjoyed this so much… _

_Anyway, just a quick note to say that I love Kaidan more every scene I write. Bioware is pure genius!  
_

_I should have clarified when I originally posted this chapter, fixing my oversight now, the scene where Kaidan gives Shepard her engagement ring is in my stand-alone outtake "Officers" - if you don't prefer to read smut, skip down to the last five paragraphs, after "After they had redressed..." and you're go to go, nothing but Shenko fluff from there~_

_Huge thanks to StoneburntHeart for helping me name this chapter, and for her awesome feedback and encouragement along the way - you're the best~_

* * *

Shepard stared down the woman who had perfected the Commander Shepard stare – a little known fact – although it was more appropriately termed the "Admiral Shepard" stare. She figured her chances of winning the staring contest were slim to none, but hope reigned supreme so green eyes met blue, both narrowed and stubbornly refusing to look away. Shepard – the younger – finally sighed and looked away. Dammit. Still, she wasn't giving in, even if she couldn't make her mother go away with a look. "No," she repeated, for what seemed like the tenth time in this discussion.

Marina Alenko decided that perhaps cooler heads – or at least ones not named Shepard – might prevail, and stepped between the two other women. In a soft but nonetheless firm voice that had never failed to persuade her son she asked, "But, Shepard, why?" She looked at the woman in question in confusion, "I thought you loved Kaidan, had agreed to marry him. Why the reluctance now?"

Hannah nodded, deciding that perhaps a softer approach may be the more strategic one, and followed Marina's lead, "Yes, Kat, why are you resisting all of our attempts to help you plan the wedding? Marina and I," she inclined her chin at the other woman in a gesture of motherly solidarity, "figured that you would be glad to have help. Especially since we know you're better at planning battles than social events." This elicited a snicker from her daughter, despite the fact that the stubborn look remained firmly in place on Kat's face, "Help us understand why, please, honey? Did something happen?"

Kat looked up, startled, as if the thought had never occurred to her. "No, Mom," she hastened to reassure, "nothing happened. Kaidan and me…. We're good," the last was said with a soft smile as she twisted the ring he had placed on her right hand just days before. She traced over the stones, remembering how happy she had been in that moment.

She wished she could make the women questioning her understand, but she was afraid to voice the thoughts that swirled in her head, churned her stomach. Afraid that if she voiced them aloud, they might prove to be fact rather than truth. She sighed, not for the first time since the mothers – as she privately referred to them – had descended on her, wedding-related datapads in hands. She repeated the only thing she was willing to admit, no matter how ineffective and incomplete, "I'm just not ready. Not now."

Hannah shook her head and threw her hands up in frustration. "Fine," she said, "I can see we're not going to get anywhere with you. Curse the fates that saddled me with a daughter as stubborn as you, Katriona Shepard." She tossed the datapads she had still held on to the bed and stalked out the door.

"You mean a daughter as stubborn as you, Mom," Kat tossed at her mother's retreating back, then turned to the woman who remained, looking at her with patience shining out of eyes that so resembled Kaidan's. Kat had to swallow before she took the other woman's hand in hers and said softly, "Marina, I love your son with all my heart – I always have – but I'm just not ready to plan our wedding. I'm sorry."

Marina nodded, accepting that what Kat was saying was the truth, but not the whole truth. She patted Kat's hand and decided that Hannah's strategic retreat was the appropriate move. "It's ok, Kat," she told Shepard, "we'll wait until you're ready." With that, she too got up and left the room. She hadn't lied -she was willing to wait until Kat was ready. What she hadn't said was that she didn't plan to wait some nebulous undetermined length of time for Kat to **get** ready. She turned down to walk down the hall to enlist the aid of the one person she knew could get to the bottom of this, determination showing in her stride.

* * *

When Kaidan entered Shepard's room a few minutes later, he still wasn't sure what the crisis that had sent his mother to him was. She had been cryptic, muttering something about two stubborn people deserving each other and informed him that he should speak with his fiancée asap and 'fix things.' He responded in the only way a dutiful son could – he'd hugged her and promised that he would. Now, as he stood quietly watching the woman he loved from the door, trying to assess the situation, he saw that Shepard was clearly unhappy. She was sitting on the edge of her bed, face cast down, twisting the engagement ring he had given her and lost in thought. He took a deep breath and entered the room greeting her with a "Hey, Shepard, what's up?"

"Kaidan," she replied with a small smile, returning his kiss of greeting, "I guess the mothers sent you in as reinforcements." She gave a self deprecating laugh. "I should have seen that coming."

Kaidan took a moment to settle himself in the recliner opposite where she was sitting, then reached for her hand, taking it in his. He could see, now, that clearly there was an issue that required his intervention and braced himself for the process of coaxing it out of his fiancée, who was looking rather – forlorn – he thought. Something had clearly upset her, and he wondered if he was going to have to have a long discussion with his mother. He sincerely hoped not, he loved his mother very much, but if she had caused the downcast attitude Shepard was currently displaying, he would – lovingly – intercede.

"Kat," he began, "why don't you tell me what's wrong?" Maybe a direct question would yield positive results this time. Worth a try at least.

Kat looked at him with utter misery in her eyes, and he worried that some major crisis – another one – had developed in the few short hours that he had been in his office working. Then he was sure his jaw dropped to the floor – literally – when his fierce warrior woman, Savior of the Galaxy, confessed in a small voice, "I can't plan our wedding."

Ok, not what he had expected to hear. His heart clenched a moment until his brain reminded him that she hadn't said 'I can't marry you', and he tried to decipher what she was trying to say without actually saying it. "Ok, I assume that's why our mothers were here?" he questioned her.

"Yeah," she admitted, "they brought datapads and stuff. But Kaidan, I just can't."

This was going nowhere fast, Kaidan thought. And although he was sure he was the last person in the galaxy to consult on such things, he bravely offered, "Do you want me to help?"

Shepard looked at him with frustration plain on her face. "No. I want everyone to stop asking about it!" she nearly shouted at him.

Ok, so it wasn't the wedding or marrying him that was behind this, he now realized. Still, maybe **she** didn't realize it yet, or – more likely – she wasn't willing to admit it. Despite the anger and frustration she still displayed, he took a chance and drew her onto his lap. She didn't come easily, but she acceded, finally resting her head on his chest and sighing. She was quiet a moment and he saw that her gaze was still fixed on her engagement ring. He waited her out.

"How can I think about marrying you – about planning our wedding – when I'm still like _this_?" she finally asked, bitterness in her tone and with a frustrated wave of her hand at her own body. "How can I marry you if I can't even walk down the aisle to you?" She was near tears now.

His heart squeezed when the full impact and meaning of her words struck him. She wasn't doubting him, nor even them, but rather, she doubted herself. Doubted that she would ever fully be that woman, as she defined herself, again. He stroked her hair gently in silent comfort and gave her the words of his heart, "Kat, I would still marry you if you had to crawl up the aisle. I would marry you sitting right here with you in my arms. I would marry you in any circumstances I could have you. But if you want to wait until you can walk down that aisle on your own, I'll honor that, and I'll wait with you. But, Kat, never think, for one moment, that I need you to walk to love you more." He placed a gentle kiss on her cheek, continuing, "I know you will do it. And I'll be there, every step of the way, helping. And then I'll be there, smiling proudly, to watch you walk down the aisle and marry me."

She smiled at him, and he saw that the crisis had passed, once again. She kissed him softly and said with a soft laugh, "I guess I've been a bit of a bitch about this. I should apologize to our mothers."

Kaidan smiled and laughed with her, then told her, "They're tough women, they can take it."

"Yeah," she replied, "but I need them on my side so that I don't end up wearing some ugly monstrosity of a wedding dress."

Kaidan saw the wisdom in that and kept the thought that he wouldn't care what she wore – even her N7 armor – as long as she was marrying him - to himself. Some thoughts were better left unsaid, in the interest of his personal safety. He held the woman who was going to become his wife – _wife_ – in his arms, silently thanking the powers that be that she was his.


	34. Future

_A/N – we are marching forward to the end, just three (well, two and an epilogue) more chapters after this one. This is a minor – seriously minor – cliffhanger which is why I'm posting this one and the rest together! That's how much I love you all, I refuse to let you suffer! *hugs*_

* * *

Shepard _was_ walking, albeit it with the aid of a cane, when she made her way across the raised dais to become the first ever recipient of the Admiral David Anderson Medal for Meritorious Conduct a month later. The warm Vancouver sun glinted off her engagement ring as she saluted Admiral Hackett then shook his hand with a strong grip. She and the Normandy crew had traveled here when she was released from the hospital a week ago and the long delayed ceremony to award her the Anderson Medal was taking place outside the newly rebuilt Alliance headquarters. She stepped up to the podium Admiral Hackett had just vacated and stared out in to the crowd before her, scanning for family, friends, crew, before her gaze came to rest on Kaidan, front and center in the first row, watching her with pride. She took a deep breath and gathered herself before she began to speak.

"A little over a year ago, I was here, in Vancouver, at these headquarters on another bright and sunny day," she waved her hand to indicate the building behind her. "It was a day that none of us will ever forget. The day that we had to defend ourselves, our planet, from a ruthless and ingenious enemy. An enemy that would not respond to reason, that seemed overwhelming in force." She paused as she saw the memories flicker over the faces of the people in the crowd. It was a painful memory, one that would not easily be forgotten. "We have returned today, victorious," a cheer rang out on that word and she nodded, "largely due to the efforts of Admiral David Anderson. Admiral Anderson led the resistance forces here on Earth and kept the fight and pressure against our enemy despite overwhelming odds. He was a leader, a mentor, a hero." Here she had to stop and swallow as emotion threatened to overcome her. "His loss is one that will be felt by all of us as a people, none more than me. To be standing here today, presented with a medal bearing his name is the highest honor I have received in my career. I will carry it with pride, as I carry Admiral Anderson in my heart with gratitude." With that she nodded and made her way off the dais, leaning on her cane.

Kaidan met her at the bottom of the ramp, placed his arm through hers, and searched her eyes. "Great speech," he told her quietly, with pride coloring his voice.

Shepard gave him a small smile, and leaned on his arm, grateful for the support and spoke quietly as they walked towards the front entrance of HQ. "I didn't want this day to be about me. It should be about him. He earned it more than I did." She saw Kaidan's small smile and knew that he didn't agree, so she continued, "He gave his life. That's the ultimate sacrifice."

Kaidan nodded, accepting her point, although he knew that sacrifice took many forms and the woman walking beside him had made her share too. Still, he wouldn't continue the debate. "Admiral Hackett has asked to see us both in his office after the reception," he told her quietly.

"Wonder what that's about?" Shepard mused as they reached the front entrance and prepared to mingle with the guests gathered for the small reception.

* * *

Two hours later, they found themselves seated in the anteroom of the Admiral's office, waiting until his busy and officious assistant ushered them in to see him. They sat stiff and correct, their formal military posture not betraying their relationship or their impatience. After five long minutes of silence, the assistant finally looked up from her terminal and informed them, "The Admiral will see you now." They stood together and headed through the double doors to the inner office.

They exchanged the formalities of salutes and greetings and then the Admiral gestured them both to chairs in front of his desk and took his own seat. "Major, Captain, I have called you here today to discuss your future plans," he told them in his typically gruff and efficient voice.

"Sir?" Shepard asked, question in her voice.

"It is my understanding, according to the final reports I received from your doctors upon your release, Captain Shepard," the Admiral continued, "that they feel you will eventually make a full recovery and will be able to be certified for combat in a few months."

Shepard nodded. The jargon that they had used was longer and much more difficult to decipher, but that was the gist. Even now, she only needed the cane for long times standing or walking and had chosen to use it today out of caution. She had wanted to take no chances of falling on her face in front of a large crowd.

Admiral Hackett turned his gaze to Kaidan. "And you, Major Alenko. I commend you on your efforts on the reconstruction for the months you were stationed in London. As always, your work was efficient, organized and exemplary."

Kaidan flushed a bit and responded, "Thank you, sir."

"Which brings us here, to the present." Hackett nodded to them both. "As you are aware, you have both remained active during the process of Captain Shepard's recovery. It is my understanding that you are planning to be married next month." At their nods of confirmation Hackett spoke again, "I believe the Alliance owes you a debt, Captain Shepard, and you as well, Major Alenko. But the Alliance is what it is and I cannot ignore regulations out of gratitude. If you chose to remain in active service, you would be assigned to separate ships, despite the fact that your ranks are equal. On a starship, there is only one person in command, and Alliance fraternization regulations are clear about having two people with emotional involvement in the same chain of command."

Shepard's heart sank. Although she had expected something like this, to have it blatantly presented in such succinct terms made the situation seem impossible. Still, her parents had made it work somehow, and as much as her heart sank to think of being parted from Kaidan, she was Alliance to her core, if that's how things had to be, she would learn to deal with it. She nodded at the Admiral in resignation.

Kaidan, however, heard the 'but' in the Admiral's words and clung to it. He knew Shepard would accept the decision, but spending the majority of their marriage apart wasn't an option he would easily embrace. He turned a questioning glance to the Admiral and said, "Sir, you said if… What are our other options?"

Hackett nodded, not surprised that the Major had caught his meaning. Kaidan had always been a thinker, a strategist. It's what made him so valuable. Although Hackett would never consider himself a romantic, he liked this couple, thought they were good together, and he'd help them if he could. He presented the options he had carefully considered once he had received the reports from Shepard's doctors.

"Just so, Major. If you chose to remain in active service, shipboard, that would be the Alliance's response. However, you can both - or one or the other - choose to retire from active service." He raised a hand as he saw that Shepard was about to object, "I am aware, Captain, that it is unlikely, but I wanted to present all your options today."

"The final choice would be for both of you to take postings groundside. I called you here today to offer you those postings. There's an instructor position available at the Interplanetary Combatives Academy in Rio for which I think you would be ideal, Captain. As for you, Major, the Alliance is reforming the Special Biotics Operatives, and they have decided to establish a sister training facility at the Villa, with the intent of identifying, developing, and training promising young biotic soldiers. Your name has been the only one mentioned for leading this program, Major. If you decline, the Alliance would have to work hard to find a candidate with half your qualifications."

Shepard and Kaidan sat stunned, both for their own reasons. To Kaidan, this was an amazing gift, a chance to do something he had found he really enjoyed and had talent with, while still being on the same base as Shepard. They could have a real marriage, maybe a family down the road.

For her part, Shepard was stunned that anyone would consider grounding her. She knew next to nothing about teaching, and her six months in detention had been the most consecutive time she'd spent planetside in all her life. How did that qualify her to turn out new N7s?

"I realize this is an important decision, and one that you'd like to discuss with each other as well," Hackett concluded. "I'll give you a week's leave to make up your minds, then I expect you here to inform me of the results. Dismissed."

They turned and left the office together, each lost in their own thoughts.


	35. Normal

_A/N – One last angsty moment for our happy couple – my inner drama queen couldn't resist – then nothing but smooth sailing ahead I promise!_

* * *

They walked together in silence, in unspoken accord, until they had entered the temporary housing they had been sharing since returning to Vancouver and closed the door behind them. They turned to each other, each still lost in their own thoughts, and almost simultaneously they both started to speak, "Kaidan…", "Shepard…"

Kaidan smiled a bit at their synchronicity, even now, then nodded at the woman he loved and told her, "You go first." He expected to hear her echo his own feelings – that she was happy, and amazed at how generous the Admiral had been with them. To say that he was shocked at what she really said would be an understatement.

"Kaidan," she began again, near misery in her voice, "I can't do this. How can he even think to suggest it after everything I've done?" She began pacing in nervous agitation, "How could he want to **ground** me? Didn't everything I accomplished mean **anything**?"

Ok - not the reaction he was expecting. Nor the one he had hoped to hear. But, he realized, as her words sank into his shocked brain, a totally Shepard way to look at things. Of course she would latch on to the bad, blind herself to the good. She had spent four years being saddled with the worst possible outcomes. Of course she would fail to see the silver lining in this one. He would just have to help her see it.

"Shepard," he said to the woman stalking around the small room in tight circles, "I don't think the Admiral was grounding you," he raised a hand to silence her when she would disagree, "I think he was giving us an acceptable compromise. You heard what he said. If we stay on ships, we'll be separated. Is that how you want to conduct our marriage? Because I know it's not how I want to."

"So you want me to give the Normandy up too?" She flung at him in hurt. "How can you say that? Do you know me at all?"

"Kat," he replied gently, grabbing her arm to still her, taking her face in his hands, "I don't want to take anything from you, and neither does the Admiral. We want to give you a normal life – as much as two soldiers can manage anyway. Is that so bad? That I want to fall asleep with my wife in my arms every night and wake up with her there the next morning? That I want to know that you'll be safe?"

She looked into his whiskey brown eyes and saw the quiet sincerity of his words reflected there. She sighed and tried to find the words to voice the frustration, the doubt that had swirled within her since they had left Admiral Hackett's office. "Kaidan, I'm Commander fucking Shepard, I don't do normal."

Kaidan nodded, realizing he should have expected this reaction. The woman he knew had been forged in fire, had come to define herself with the struggles she faced, had spent so long in fight-or-flight mode that now - when faced with the prospect of peace - she wouldn't know how to deal. He reached inside himself, into the well of patience he had often needed through their relationship – she would never be an easy person to love – and tried again. "Kat, isn't it time you did do normal?"

She felt sorry for hurting him. That had been the last thing she wanted – now or ever. Still, she couldn't easily relinquish the panic that the thought of a future groundside - without the quiet murmur of the Normandy's engines lulling her to sleep, without the adrenaline rush of the next ground mission looming on the horizon, without the undeniable knowledge that she was fighting the fight that humanity needed her to – raised in her heart. She loved this man with all her being, but Jacob Taylor had once told her that the Normandy was her first love. She greatly feared now, as she had then, that Jacob was right. What was she without it?

"Kaidan," she said on a sigh, "I don't know. It's too much. I'm afraid…" Her voice trailed off, unsure how to put the feelings to words, unwilling to make things worse between them. She looked down at the floor, fixing her eyes on a spot of carpet somewhere behind him. She couldn't face the guilt that she knew that she'd feel if she saw hurt in those wonderful whiskey eyes.

Kaidan knew she was avoiding him, trying to protect herself. Because he loved her so much, knew her so well, he gave her a moment of space, allowed her to run away. He knew that he could point out that her new position wouldn't be completely grounded – that, in fact N2 through N6 trials were traditionally held off planet, with N6 involving combat – that she would still need to command the Normandy for those trials was implied. He knew that he could point that out, but the stubborn part inside of her already knew. She was just having a hard time facing a future with no evil looming in it. She was doubting herself again – as she often did – doubting that she could be the same Shepard without the sharp edge of evil to hone herself against. He knew differently. He knew the woman beneath the mask. It was time to reacquaint her with that woman.

He gently tipped her chin up to meet his eyes again. When he spoke, it was with quiet confidence, not impatience or hurt. He did not for one moment show any weakness, any pain, knowing that it would only serve to wound her, not further his cause. He told her quietly, with love and certainty ringing in his voice, "Kat, you don't need the Normandy to be the woman I love. I love the Normandy as much as you – it's been our home for the most part of the last four years – but she's just a tool. A tool we needed once, but not now. The war is over. You won. Our home is _us_ now. Together. Kat, you… you're my hero – you, not the captain of the Normandy – and the woman I love. And yeah, it's going to take adjustment. But we'll figure this out. Together. Haven't we earned that?"

Shepard thought, not for the first time and likely not the last, how lucky she was to have the love of this man. How much she returned that love. He was her true equal, her perfect mate, her counterpart in every way. She may be his hero, but he was hers. And when she saw him looking at her with such adoration, heard the plea that was heartfelt and sincere, she realized she could – once again – not deny him. In the depths of her heart, she knew he was only asking her to have the courage to admit that she wanted the same things too. He was just brave enough to voice it. She would honor his courage with her own. She nodded slightly then reached up to kiss him softly. "Ok, Kaidan, let's do this – let's be normal."

He kissed her again, then took her hand and led her to their bedroom. He figured they could start practicing the benefits of normal now. They had a week's leave after all.


	36. Bonds

_A/N – last real chapter, and I hope it pleases you as much as it does me to see our Shenko get the happy-ever-after Bioware denied us. Thank God for fanfic, right? _

* * *

One month later, Shepard stood, pacing her cabin on the Normandy, trying to walk off the nerves that threatened to have her stomach empty its sparse contents over the simple, elegant – _beautiful_ – white gown she wore. She stared around the room that had become her haven. Her quiet place to retreat when things got too difficult, when she felt she would break, and felt disappointment that it was failing her today, of all days. She had done everything she could to take her mind off things. She had fed the fish – twice – she had poked at her hamster, Boo, until he refused to come out and squeak at her anymore, she had toyed with Petrovsky's chess set, activated the gruesomely silly husk head she had acquired from Bryson's lab. None of her usual distractions were working. This was, she thought grimly, her most challenging mission so far. Waiting until Garrus came to collect her for her wedding. _Wedding_, she thought again, her stomach flipping. She sincerely hoped she didn't puke on the groom.

The decision to hold the ceremony on the Normandy had been the one detail about her wedding on which she had stubbornly refused to budge. The mothers had tried to convince her that a simple, elegant chapel near Alliance HQ would be more appropriate and easier for the guests to access. Shepard had put her best stare in place and - this time - she had won. In the end, being married here, on the ship where it had all begun – or at least a reasonable copy of that ship – had appealed to the mothers' romanticism and they had seen the poetry of it. Shepard just wanted familiar surroundings for this most unfamiliar of events.

She looked up now, the butterflies in her stomach threatening to become large birds, as she heard the door to her cabin open. She expected Garrus, finally coming to say it was time for him to escort her to the shuttle bay (the only area large enough for the ceremony and guests.) She was surprised to see her mother instead.

Hannah took a moment to study her daughter. She knew her well enough to see the nerves just beneath the cool surface Kat was trying to project. She knew that the nerves were just that – normal bridal jitters, not the panic or fear of a woman unsure of what she was doing. She nodded in approval as she took in the simple, elegant gown she and Marina had finally decided upon. A simple white sheath of the finest silk – a material that was rare but still timeless in its elegance – fell from a strapless bodice and hugged her daughter's toned figure before flaring out slightly below her knees. It had few embellishments, just some understated embroidery around the waist and on the small train that flowed out behind it. It was, she decided, the perfect gown for her daughter. It enhanced the woman she was, instead of masking her.

Hannah stepped towards Kat now, carrying her gifts. She took a moment to set her packages on the couch then placed both hands on her daughter's shoulders and kissed her on the cheek. "You look beautiful, honey," she told her, "Kaidan is going to be so thrilled."

Kat smiled at the woman who had been not just her mother, but her role model, for all her life. She knew that she would have to work hard to live up to the example that Hannah set for her, but she didn't plan to fail. "Mom," she said quietly, relieved to have her there so she wasn't alone in these last moments, "you look beautiful too."

Hannah reflected that it was the first time she had ever been called beautiful in uniform. She had, in typical Admiral Shepard fashion, eschewed the mother-of-the-bride tradition and chosen to wear her dress blues - adorned with her many medals and commendations - to her daughter's wedding. She knew Kat would expect nothing different.

"I hope you don't mind that I wanted to take a moment with you before I have to hand you off to your groom," Hannah said, "but I have some things for you." She reached behind her and retrieved the first of the two packages. "The first is necessary – a bridal tradition." She handed the box to Kat and watched the pleasure come over her daughters face when she opened it to see the simple clutch of white roses – live ones – that she had chosen for her daughter's bouquet. "Good, I'm glad you like it."

Kat nodded, confirming her mother's statement. "It's beautiful, perfect." She brought the bouquet up to her face and inhaled the gentle scent of the fresh roses.

Hannah extended the other box, a smaller one, with trembling hands. She took a deep breath and forced back the tears that wanted to come, not willing to mar the perfection of this day with sadness. "This one is for sentimental reasons," she told Kat, "because I felt there was a person who couldn't be here today, but needed to be represented." She watched as Kat opened the box, to find her father's dog tags, given to Hannah all those years ago after his death, nestled inside. Kat looked up at her, tears welling in her eyes. "I thought we could wrap them around your bouquet, so that you carried a part of your father with you today."

Kat nodded, and watched as her mother made good on her words, tears falling now, trailing down her cheeks. Hannah gently wiped the tears from her daughters face, and looked her in her eyes – so like her father's. "Hush now, honey, don't cry. Your father would be as proud of you as I am today. Give a smile for him."

Kat smiled as requested, albeit a trembling one, and hugged her mother. "I love you, Mom." They broke apart as they heard a knock on the cabin door. It was time.

* * *

Shepard noted, as she stood at the end of the aisle that started just off the elevator, on the arms of her escorts – her mother on her left, and her best friend, Garrus Vakarian on her right – that they had done a damn fine job of turning a simple shuttle bay into a festive wedding venue. She had no idea how the mothers had accomplished it, but if she had learned one thing in the time since the women first met - over her hospital bed months ago - when they teamed up, they were unstoppable. A fact to file away in case she ever found herself on the wrong end of an argument with the team in the future.

She raised her chin proudly and began the short, slow walk towards her groom. Kaidan looked amazing, she saw, in a simple elegant tuxedo. She knew that he could have chosen to wear his dress blues for the ceremony – it would even be expected of an Alliance officer – in the same way that she could have worn hers. But he had told her, in a quiet moment when they had talked about wedding plans, that this day was for them, not the Alliance, and he would dress accordingly. She appreciated the love and sentimentality that the gesture indicated.

As she reached her destination and her mother and Garrus both kissed her cheeks and took their individual places – her mother in the front row of seats behind her and Garrus beside Joker, who was standing as Kaidan's best man – and she glanced to her left and saw Liara and Tali standing in their places as her attendants, she reflected that her walk down the aisle had been just the final steps in a long journey, one that had brought her here today to be joined with the man looking at her with such love and devotion. She took a deep breath, and his hand, and turned to Kaidan to begin the ancient and traditional ceremony that would join them in a bond that they had felt from nearly the first moment they met, all those years ago. A good ride indeed, she thought to herself, the best.


	37. Epilogue

_A/N – here it is - the final part of Reflections. I want to thank all of you for taking time out of your busy lives and joining me on this journey and for your love and encouragement along the way… And I want to take a moment to say thank you to all the lovely people of Bioware for giving us such a rich wonderful world to play in and write about~ oh, and I hope Buffy fans will forgive me for blatantly stealing one my favorite lines - it just fit so well...  
_

_A special thank you to the people who have followed, favorited, reviewed and beta-read me, your efforts are greatly appreciated. I'd also like to thank my middle son, who is just as much as an ME fan as me and got so tired of hearing me tell him about how "my Shepard" would do things he finally said "Mom you should just write that." You have him to thank for Reflections :-)_

_ A very special thank you to StoneburstHeart for your time and help, and most of all, for finding a new friend in an unexpected place… this lovely Shenko moment is dedicated to you!_

* * *

_One year later_

Kaidan glanced up, distracted by the reports he was perusing, unhappy with the results of some of his underclassmen on their first assessments, to see his wife enter the front door, still dressed in dirty armor that looked like it had seen combat just moments before. Old habit – and memories – had panic rising in his chest until his eyes studied her for any injury and found none. He breathed a sigh of relief. He was surprised to see her, he hadn't expected her back on planet until the day after tomorrow, and if he knew her at all, she wasn't in a good mood. In fact, she was looking decidedly grumpy. Still, he smiled at her warmly; glad to see her in any mood.

She began the long process of removing her armor pieces, right there in the foyer, allowing them to fall where they lay. Still stewing, she didn't even bother to greet him. Kaidan got up, set his datapads aside, and went over to help her. "Wanna talk about it?" he asked her quietly, unbuckling and unstrapping as he did.

"That just sucked," she grumbled, letting him do the work, too tired and grumpy to bother, "beyond the telling of it."

Kaidan raised a brow, wondering what could possibly have put her in this mood. "Something go bad with the assessment?" He questioned, knowing that she had been off planet to lead a promising group of N7 candidates through a relatively simple raid of a rogue Blue Suns' encampment. By her account, before she left, it would be a simple in and out mission, just enough combat to test her students in a live theatre, not enough to pose any real threat, especially not under the command of an experienced vanguard.

"Not really - unless you count the commanding officer - their **instructor** - vomiting on her own armor," Shepard growled, grimacing.

Kaidan took a moment to wonder if she meant the armor he was currently handling, bare handed, and decided that it was a question best not asked. He figured she could pay him back later for conduct above and beyond and continued his work, while questioning her, "You got sick? Are you ok?"

He watched the emotions fly over her face – irritation, frustration, and he thought with surprise, some chagrin – then she cast her eyes down and stared at a spot on the floor. "Kaidan," she said quietly, "when you said you wanted normal, did you mean it?"

Used to her seemingly-out-of-left-field non sequiturs, he didn't pause a moment before he answered the question as she asked it, "Of course, Kat, and it's been good, right?"

She nodded, still refusing to meet his eyes. "Yeah, but what if it changed?"

Kaidan tilted her chin up so he could search her eyes, and finding no clue there; not sure how to interpret what he saw; he queried, "Changed how?"

She took a deep breath and gathered herself to share the news that had been ringing in her ears since Chakwas had relayed it, in her typically cool and crisp doctor's tones, then surprised Kat more than she could remember by following it with a kiss to her cheek, "I'm pregnant."

Kaidan stared, shocked, at his wife. It took him a full minute to decide if he had heard her correctly, then he felt the joy and love wash over him and he touched her cheek in amazement. "You're pregnant? As in with a baby? But… how?" The last he asked in confusion, knowing that she had continued her birth control regimen religiously as she had from the beginning of their relationship. He knew that he wanted children but he hadn't wanted to push her, wanted to give her time to adjust to their new lives together before pressing the issue.

"Yes, that's sincerely what I hope it is, and I'm sure you remember how – you were there," his wife responded to his questions in order.

He smirked at her and gave her a quick kiss then swatted her ass for her cheekiness. "That's not what I meant."

"Apparently they failed to warn me that antibiotics interfere with birth control," she told him with some disgust, "so we can blame the slash Rogers gave me with her omni-blade two months ago. I'm so gonna bust her ass – again – for this," she finished on a growl.

Kaidan smiled, thinking that he would send Rogers a gift basket of her favorite cheeses instead, and studied the woman in his arms again. A thought finally occurred to him and he barked out in surprise before his brain had a chance to filter it, "Wait, you went into **combat** while you're **pregnant**?"

"I didn't know I was pregnant before I went into combat. That fact wasn't revealed until my stomach contents decided to make a repeat appearance," she informed him irritably, "but Chakwas says I'm fine, we're fine. Does that mean you're happy about this? You want this?" she asked him, trepidation clear in her voice.

"Captain Alenko," he said gravely, "I thought on the day you became my wife you had made me the happiest man alive, but you just topped yourself." He smiled and kissed her softly, "I'm thrilled. I know it's unexpected, but I'm completely happy about it."

She smiled at him then, returning his kiss and relaxed in his arms, "Good, Major Alenko, and I hope you remember that when I'm screaming at you in labor."

Kaidan figured it would be just another time to practice the restraint he had worked all his life to perfect, but that since that event was months away yet, he had time to earn enough points to prevent the worst of it. He picked his wife up in his arms and carried her to their bedroom to start earning those points in his favorite way.


End file.
